To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

hmmm she isn't being sensitive and thoughtful to the actual mother by undermining what she says. She needs to butt out.

yeah she needs to butt out. She can have her own kid.

Oh please try to argue your case! It would be such fun to see you try!

It really doesn’t but there is clearly no point arguing with you as you really don’t have a clue.

That isn't what being woke means at all. It means being a crybully who shuts down all discussion with a series of soundbites about patriarchy/white supremacy/whatever the cause du jour is.

Where has she taught her that? She has taught her that if she shows her aunt her baking, she will get a boring lecture about how she should be out playing football. That is the opposite of empowering IMO. It is just as prescriptive as saying that she should be baking and should not be playing football.

Why do people think that being woke is a bad thing? Surely being sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others is something to aspire to not something to be criticised.

Good for your SIL. She sounds awesome. She’s teaching your DD that she can be whoever she wants to be and she doesn’t have to change herself to please people. It’s great that she’s empowering her.

The fact that the SIL was bullied for her looks growing up says it all. She is imposing her psychodrama on her niece, which is potentially damaging. She sounds like a woke crybully and I would be wary being around her or letting your daughter spend too much time with her.

No, she isn't. She is a virtue signalling drone. Nothing 'empowering' in her kind of wokespeak.

it's the constant assumption that I'm not going to bring up my kids to have open minds.

Exactly. And given the OP 's history it's bizarre that her SIL thinks that she's not going to encourage her child to be open to every opportunity, whether classically a female or male interest or field of study.

And of course she's not alone . It seems that the majority of posters have been completely lazy, haven't not bothered reading OP 's posts properly, and think her child lacks a role model.

I still love how blind people also are to the fact that if it was a MIL sticking her beak in and undermining the OP, they'd react totally differently. It's actually bewildering how biased and blinkered so many posters are.

I'm not sure if you'll see this comment (you've had so many!) But this is exactly what it's like with my SIL but I have 2 DS, and honestly it's not the fact that she claims to be a ultra feminist - it's the constant assumption that I'm not going to bring up my kids to have open minds. It's also bringing up topics that I don't want my young ones to focus on - I want them to have a childhood, to choose what they want to play with, and be happy. It's not about dating, looks, pushing preferences etc for a 3 year old, so in my opinion it's too early for these comments, and I would and do get irritated by it.
She once said she's going to teach my kids about same sex couples, like my best friend and her wife won't naturally have this in hand. It can be borderline insulting as a parent sometimes, even if it's not meant that way. I'm definitely going to make the boundaries as clear as I can.

Your SIL may be a bit annoying to you, but she sounds like a wonderful, caring aunt, who has some good points. Be the bigger person and forget about it. It's not harming your child, let's be honest.

Sil overstepping massively

Everybody here praising the sil for her behaviour clearly have no idea of the concept of child agency

I may be the only one but I agree that your SIL is out of order and too woke for my liking. I agree with you that if your daughter wanted to go to football you would have allowed it or let her play with cars if she wanted. It is confusing to say to a little girl that she doesn’t need to look nice for anyone - we should all have pride in our appearance when we go out and it improves our self esteem when we think we look nice.

I’m with your SIL too. I’ve also said the first with my son along the lines of ‘whoever you love in the future’

Not if you’re not getting the chorus of outrage you expected…

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time OP, reading through what you have said I agree with pretty much everything you are doing, it sounds like you are allowing your DD to be who she wants to be. Maybe a few small comments e.g pretty and boys at school, but I don't think that's anything many of us aren't guilty of, non of us are perfect. The main thing is you are being balanced and accepting overall without any extremes.

I was brought up in a similar way, my parents supported any interests I wanted to have. I never played football or been to a football match because I just don't like it and have never understood the appeal, same with all sports! But I know had I wanted to do it I could of, same with all choices in my life. I am really girly in some ways love makeup - same as you the creativity and it's fun and relaxes me, I am always wearing dresses - because I love them, feel most comfortable and I don't have to match anything 😂but I hate cooking and baking, had my nails done once for my wedding and hated them, like gaming and watching streamers and love marvel films etc. I like what I like!

I do agree mostly with the principles of what your SIL is saying, but she's going about it the wrong way and being too extreme in regards to when and how often she's saying these things, as I get the impression this is Everytime she sees DD. If this is true, I do think it has potential to be harmful, she will grow up thinking she needs to change herself to get her aunties acceptance by either showing interest in something she doesn't like or pretending not to like something she does. E.g pretending to like football and not like baking when that's not how she truly feels or feeling conscious about wearing makeup if she enjoys it.

So just to say OP you sound wonderful and you are doing a great job, maybe speak to sister in law and emphasize that you are allowing her to be herself and make choices but do not feel it needs to be mentioned in every conversation.

That was my thought too. Surely the most extreme example would be in the OP?

Holy crap, she's three! She doesn't need any form of ideology being presented to her at this moment in time! She has no concept of sexuality, or being sexually attractive. Tell her she has chosen a pretty dress, let her bake if she wants to without trying to persuade her that it's somehow making a statement about "who she is". I would tell the aunt to back off, and possibly not that politely if she persisted in discussing it with me or her. Let her be a small child, learning how to manage how to function in her world without trying to imply that she is a mini adult, and that her choices now have any bearing on who she will become in time.

I have noticed this a lot tbh with general threads. But I wouldn’t be surprised if OP is being honest about her SIL. Some people are extreme, and I don’t agree with SIL trying to push her own beliefs onto someone else’s child.

Funny how many OP’s always seem to drip in extreme examples later when the lay of the land of replies isn’t looking exactly how they want it to. Happens a lot.

Bloody ek. From @nhd update, the SIL is fucking crazy. She is actively restricting her niece from doing anything remotely linked to feminine activities, with the way she declared she shouldn’t be “allowed” to have a toy kitchen. The child is 3, FFS. So what if she has a toy kitchen, these things are fun to play with, and nothing wrong if a grown woman enjoys cooking, either. SIL’s feminism is basically preventing girls from doing what they might enjoy, and pushing them to do to traditionally boyish activities, even if they DON’T want to. Maybe some women are happy as they are, and don’t want to fit into this new age trend, where they are forced to be like men, for the sake of proving a point, to their own detriment. A corruptive influence.

I wish I'd had an aunt like that. I see no issue with any of that except possibly the stained vest being acceptable for a special occasion and then I'd say a dress isn't necessary.

That said I have the girliest daughter who is into all the things I say she shouldn't have to like just because she's a girl. It goes both ways. Teach a child they can choose and can please themselves not men/society and she may just choose to be girly mothering homemaker

I’m willing to bet the vast majority of team SIL would be mightily pissed off if a family member worked out their underlying prejudices and tried to make sure they didn’t rub off on their kids. Can nobody put themselves in OP’s shoes?

I mean I agree with the SIL’s views, but she’s overstepping and undermining.