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Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
Torganer · 15/12/2023 15:17

She sounds great. It’s good for your daughter to see people who have different views to you

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:16

I am totally with the SIL. She sounds great. You sound a bit prejudiced with your 'feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme'. If you have beliefs, what's wrong with having them fully? Isn't that best?

RunningFromInsanity · 15/12/2023 15:16

1 and 2 are perfectly reasonable.

As for the rest, obviously we don’t know about your relationship with your daughter but you do seem to mention her looking ‘pretty’ quite a lot. It’s not a bad thing to make a conscious effort to focus less on her appearance. Kids pick up a lot from what you say.

JustTalkToThem · 15/12/2023 15:14

I think reminding young girls that they don't have to be pretty is a great message - she's a little off the mark with the way she's made some of the comments, but there's nothing wrong with them.

Also you're fully unreasonable with your first comment. Heteronormativity is a legit thing that reinforces flawed social structures, and builds shame in people. You assumed boys, and that's wrong.

Skyblue92 · 15/12/2023 15:14

Well first one I don’t see the issue as your DD may very well want to date girls (is this an issue for you)
the others also aren’t really an issue and she’s clearly trying to make sure she isn’t just being placed into following a stereotypical girl way: as others have said it will empower her and allow her to see that girls don’t have to act in a certain way.

however if it’s annoying you then tell your SIL but be prepared for a response you may not like

Namechangeforthis88 · 15/12/2023 15:13

Yeah, does sound like the stereotypes and assumptions are a bit strong in the home and she's offering another point of view.

I have never assumed the gender of DSs future partners. I want him to know there is total acceptance.

AnonnyMouseDave · 15/12/2023 15:12

If you're bringing DD up to be some kind of Disney Princess then I love your SIL and she is doing the right thing. Or if you are a fake tan / make-up always / lip filler type person.

If you're doing a decent job of ensuring that DD can wear nice dresses if she wants, but knows that being a tomboy is equally acceptable, then YANBU and SIL is going a bit OTT.

IMO

Angrycat2768 · 15/12/2023 15:11

I think, she is just trying to empower your DD and messaging to her that she does not need to conform to gender stereotypes. Sometimes it is better that these things come from a 'big sister' cool aunt figure. She may be a bit OTT to a 3 year old, but I don't see why it is harmful if she grows up with these messages from a young age, especially when she will have an avalanche of the opposite from society in general, it can only be a good thing in the long run.

Sapphire387 · 15/12/2023 15:11

I think there's a balance to be had. Have you discussed this with her? She isn't wrong (in my opinion) but this is your daughter and if the comments are grating on you, you need to discuss it with her or ask your DH to.

trickortrickier · 15/12/2023 15:08

Well, I love your SIL and so does your daughter ❤️

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