Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
Silverbirchtwo · 15/12/2023 15:31

I hope SIL is going to buy DD 'boys toys' for Christmas. We did buy our DD toy cars, trainsets, Lego, Scalextric as well as dolls and girly things. She enjoyed playing with all of them.

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:31

HomburgandTrilby · 15/12/2023 15:22

Your SIL is very far from ‘extreme’. In your shoes I’d be focusing on what ideas you’re bringing your young DD up with. You sound quite focused on her looks.

I don't focus on her looks or my looks but SIL comments on her looks a lot in that she should be able to look like a boy or dress like a boy. DD is very much given the option to! She picked out a navy hoodie today previously owned by her boy cousin so that's what she's wearing. But yes for a nice occasion I will give her options consisting of mainly girly, always clean clothes.
Her looks are rarely mentioned but obviously if we're getting dressed they will be because that's literally... part of getting dressed?!

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 15/12/2023 15:31

Sil needs to back off. Dd doesn't need 3 parents...

daisybe · 15/12/2023 15:30

Marblessolveeverything · 15/12/2023 15:19

YABU.why did you limit her to dating boys? Why hasn't she gone to a football match? She isn't going to have choices if you don't expose her and my god I would clamp down on any comments of make your daughter pretty.

I appreciate you are a product of your upbringing but please for your daughters sake widen your lens.

The kid is fekin THREE. Let them be a sodding kid. They'll have the rest of their teen and adult life to navigate today's wokeness when they're old enough to actually understand it. Jeez.

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:27

OP, there’s a lot I could say about this but I’ll just give you one piece of advice.

One day your DD will be 10 years old, like mine is. The world they grow up in is constantly telling girls to be pretty, do girly things, do better, look nice. It MASSIVELY impacts their self esteem. It comes to the point where as a parent, you’re doing damage limitation - I have always talked positively about looks, including about my own looks but my DD is living in a VERY looks-based world and she’s now feeling the effects. Do everything you can to not focus too heavily on looks.

Also she’s right about the sexual orientation thing.

Soontobe60 · 15/12/2023 15:27

There's no indication she is gay or straight. If she ever expresses a preference for either gender, which she's too young to do at the moment, we will deal with it then. On the balance of probability she will prefer boys as most people are straight

If a child turns out to be attracted to people of the same sex, but doesn’t live in a household where the possibility of this is openly talked about ‘unless necessary’, then that could end up with them repressing their sexuality for fear of being seen as different.
We need to normalise homosexuality rather than assuming heterosexuality!

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/12/2023 15:27

I don't see anything extreme about any of those examples honestly. I think it's especially important to be conscious of talking about looks with girls.

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 15:27

lip filler, or duck mouth as I call it

Wow, aren't you just so original and clever?

Trisolaris · 15/12/2023 15:25

I think her intentions are right but she’s coming off a bit strong where she can be either undermining you (saying she doesn’t need to change when you have said she does) or correcting you.

Why don’t you speak to her about it and tell her that it’s great that she wants to empower your daughter but perhaps she can do this by e.g doing some non-girly activities with DD herself and having her own conversations with her rather than correcting yours.

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 15:25

I think they're harmful

Can you give an example of how these comments are harming your child?

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:25

Marblessolveeverything · 15/12/2023 15:19

YABU.why did you limit her to dating boys? Why hasn't she gone to a football match? She isn't going to have choices if you don't expose her and my god I would clamp down on any comments of make your daughter pretty.

I appreciate you are a product of your upbringing but please for your daughters sake widen your lens.

She's gone to a football match (played by her cousin) and asked to leave.

I'm not limiting her to dating anyone, I'm discussing choice of schools and whether she will be with boys (whom she may or may not want to date) or without

OP posts:
Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 15/12/2023 15:23

God she sounds annoying.
I would have taken issue with the "you can go wearing that if you want" as at that point she's undermining you as a parent, it's up to you to tell your daughter to get dressed, and children don't listen at the best of times without an auntie in the background saying they don't have to do what mummy has asked.

Moving forwards I'd pick your battles but ask her not to undermine you if anything like that comes up again.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/12/2023 15:23

Your SIL sounds great to me.

Angrycat2768 · 15/12/2023 15:23

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 15/12/2023 15:19

I sort of see where she’s coming from. Personally I refrain from too many “you’re so pretty” type comments because I just don’t want my daughter thinking her looks matter. I’d rather compliment her on things she has control over.

But she’s your child and your SIL is massively overstepping to actually voice her thoughts, especially in front of the child. If you have offered your daughter a choice of two outfits it’s not for her to step in and offer a “pyjamas and one sock” option - there’s “looking pretty” which isn’t necessary, and there’s “wearing clothes appropriate and respectful for the occasion” which is necessary. She’s undermining you as a parent.

Time for a conversation about what “playing an active part in upbringing” means to you and her and to set down some boundaries. Three is far too young for all these conversations about boys and dating and not changing for a man.

The boys and dating conversation was initiated by her mother!

HomburgandTrilby · 15/12/2023 15:22

Your SIL is very far from ‘extreme’. In your shoes I’d be focusing on what ideas you’re bringing your young DD up with. You sound quite focused on her looks.

OhComeOnFFS · 15/12/2023 15:21

I think she's sort of right but it would irritate me a bit. If my child was wearing dirty clothes and her aunt said that I'd be annoyed. However I do think I would say "boyfriend or girlfriend" if not all the time, then every now and then. But really I'd go by how my child was - if I thought they might be gay then I would definitely say "boyfriend or girlfriend" every time.

My hill to die on is if your SIL decided your daughter might not be female.

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:21

AnonnyMouseDave · 15/12/2023 15:12

If you're bringing DD up to be some kind of Disney Princess then I love your SIL and she is doing the right thing. Or if you are a fake tan / make-up always / lip filler type person.

If you're doing a decent job of ensuring that DD can wear nice dresses if she wants, but knows that being a tomboy is equally acceptable, then YANBU and SIL is going a bit OTT.

IMO

Never had fake tan or lip filler. I wear make up probably once a week. Every day my daughter chooses her own outfit from a wardrobe that contains her boy cousin's hand me downs, very girly dresses, blues, greens, pinks, trackies, glittery tops etc (subject to her outfit choice being weather appropriate obviously)

OP posts:
PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:21

stemmedroses · 15/12/2023 15:19

Or if you are a fake tan / make-up always / lip filler type person

Judgemental much?

OP, I know what your SIL is trying to do and if she is generally good to your DD, I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I would tell her the constant reminders are a bit much.

I happily admit I judge women with lip filler, or duck mouth as I call it. Judge them as fools.

Sundaefraise · 15/12/2023 15:20

trickortrickier · 15/12/2023 15:08

Well, I love your SIL and so does your daughter ❤️

Me too, some of these sound like things I would say. Either way on the scale of annoying things in-laws do this sounds on the mild side.

Marblessolveeverything · 15/12/2023 15:19

YABU.why did you limit her to dating boys? Why hasn't she gone to a football match? She isn't going to have choices if you don't expose her and my god I would clamp down on any comments of make your daughter pretty.

I appreciate you are a product of your upbringing but please for your daughters sake widen your lens.

stemmedroses · 15/12/2023 15:19

Or if you are a fake tan / make-up always / lip filler type person

Judgemental much?

OP, I know what your SIL is trying to do and if she is generally good to your DD, I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I would tell her the constant reminders are a bit much.

Winniespooh · 15/12/2023 15:19

SIL sounds fab! Hope she keeps on fighting the good fight! 💪

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 15/12/2023 15:19

I sort of see where she’s coming from. Personally I refrain from too many “you’re so pretty” type comments because I just don’t want my daughter thinking her looks matter. I’d rather compliment her on things she has control over.

But she’s your child and your SIL is massively overstepping to actually voice her thoughts, especially in front of the child. If you have offered your daughter a choice of two outfits it’s not for her to step in and offer a “pyjamas and one sock” option - there’s “looking pretty” which isn’t necessary, and there’s “wearing clothes appropriate and respectful for the occasion” which is necessary. She’s undermining you as a parent.

Time for a conversation about what “playing an active part in upbringing” means to you and her and to set down some boundaries. Three is far too young for all these conversations about boys and dating and not changing for a man.

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:18

Eg1. There's no indication she is gay or straight. If she ever expresses a preference for either gender, which she's too young to do at the moment, we will deal with it then. On the balance of probability she will prefer boys as most people are straight, so if we're discussing mixed vs single sex schools and I want to take into account that going to a mixed school could result in her being distracted by boys or maybe it's a good thing she learns to socialise with them, then yes we should consider that.

Eg2. I'm all for encouraging her to follow her interests - whether that's baking or football. But if she enjoys baking she shouldn't be constantly reminded that she COULD be doing football. If it was the other way round, say she went to watch football, and someone kept saying "but you know, as a girl, you could bake instead" that would be sexist and inappropriate. So why not let her enjoy what she enjoys without bringing her gender into it? If she ever expressed an interest in football she'd be signed up to classes and she'd go but when watching her cousin play football (my sis's son) she said she didn't want to join and didn't appear to enjoy watching so we left.

  1. Surely I can at least encourage my child to wear clean clothes? Not force. Encourage. Rather than actively give her the option of walking around dirty.
  1. She's just copying mummy. Same way she copies most things I do. And I've never said I'm putting on make up for my husband, I'm putting it on because I enjoy it, it's a form of art to me and I find it confidence boosting.
OP posts:
Notmetoo · 15/12/2023 15:17

I think your SiL sounds great and isn't it good that she is giving your daughter a different perspective. The you don't have to look pretty comments are helpful in my opinion. As is the acknowledgement that she may choose to date girls.

Swipe left for the next trending thread