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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
Motnight · 15/12/2023 15:44

I love your SIL!

FallingStar21 · 15/12/2023 15:43

I don't believe all of the people commenting "your SIL is Fab" or "SIL is great" would enjoy constantly being judged and corrected by someone like this!
OP, your DD is 3 years old, she likes baking and wearing dresses. There's no need for your SIL to be constantly in opposition to what she is doing and always turning it into a feminist issue. Your DD is 3, for goodness sake!
Sounds like your SIL has taken upon herself to "educate" your daughter as she doesn't perceive you as feminist/woke enough. She probably enjoys being the modern, "cool" role model. I also suspect that saying such things to your DD may be her passive aggressive way to criticize you about your own taste and choices. It reads like she is indirectly putting you down to be honest.
Try to deal with her in a smart way - she says "oh but you can go to football with daddy", let your DD tell her that she doesn't like football. She says "do you want to go out as you are", you say breezily "No we aren't going covered in stains haha"; and so on... But say things light heartedly without getting into an actual discussion. You can also limit your interactions to a minimum (and only with DH present so he can deal with her).

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:43

Your daughter is three not thirteen. She'll have plenty of years to learn about empowerment

If you are leaving empowerment and equality until they’re 13, then good luck on producing a confident, well rounded daughter

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:41

@SouthLondonMum22 when have I said she needs to be pretty because she's a girl?

OP posts:
LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:40

My DD has always known what gay and straight is. One of my best friends is a lesbian. She asked me the other day how many gay kids were in my school in the 90’s - and was gobsmacked when I said, at the time, 0, and that they all came out after school because homophobia killed the idea of being ‘out’ stone dead. She asked why - I said I’m as clueless as she is but I’m so happy that isn’t the case anymore.

Changes like this start with conversations where you DON’T assume they’ll be straight. It’s not woke. It’s called being a half decent human

bakewellbride · 15/12/2023 15:40

I am definitely going to try to be exactly like your Sil when it comes to make up etc. So refreshing and real.

SkySecret · 15/12/2023 15:40

All the people digging at OP for suggesting she might date boys…. ignoring that SIL said she didn’t need to wear make up “for a man” lol. Double standards, much.

It’s not inappropriate to make an innocent assumption that your very young kid will be heterosexual. The issue would come further down the line if you instilled into them that homosexuality is wrong, or didn’t accept them if they did come out as gay. Relationship and sex ed talk is a long way off for this small child.

JustTalkToThem · 15/12/2023 15:39

Oh I see - you're not actually interested in other opinions at all! You just wanted everyone to bemoan the wokeness of your SIL.

That's not quite working out for you is it? #TeamSIL

bakewellbride · 15/12/2023 15:39

I love your SIL! I wish my kids had someone like her.

daisybe · 15/12/2023 15:39

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:18

Eg1. There's no indication she is gay or straight. If she ever expresses a preference for either gender, which she's too young to do at the moment, we will deal with it then. On the balance of probability she will prefer boys as most people are straight, so if we're discussing mixed vs single sex schools and I want to take into account that going to a mixed school could result in her being distracted by boys or maybe it's a good thing she learns to socialise with them, then yes we should consider that.

Eg2. I'm all for encouraging her to follow her interests - whether that's baking or football. But if she enjoys baking she shouldn't be constantly reminded that she COULD be doing football. If it was the other way round, say she went to watch football, and someone kept saying "but you know, as a girl, you could bake instead" that would be sexist and inappropriate. So why not let her enjoy what she enjoys without bringing her gender into it? If she ever expressed an interest in football she'd be signed up to classes and she'd go but when watching her cousin play football (my sis's son) she said she didn't want to join and didn't appear to enjoy watching so we left.

  1. Surely I can at least encourage my child to wear clean clothes? Not force. Encourage. Rather than actively give her the option of walking around dirty.
  1. She's just copying mummy. Same way she copies most things I do. And I've never said I'm putting on make up for my husband, I'm putting it on because I enjoy it, it's a form of art to me and I find it confidence boosting.

Your child, your rules. She's only three so I don't get all these people agreeing with your, quite frankly ott SIL. Shes clearly got her preferences and they happen to be (god forbid) girly. Your daughter is three not thirteen. She'll have plenty of years to learn about empowerment etc. Im not against what your SIL is trying to get across, not at all, I'm all for it, just not to a three year old and not to a kid who is not yours. Its bad enough kids are forced to grow up much faster generation to generation so focus on enjoying her childhood years. She'll show you her personality as she grows and I'm sure if she decides she likes girls, or prefers football etc you'll support her, (and not because shes been indoctrinated into feeling she HAS to because aunt karen kept saying so) You do you.

TurkeyTrotToXmas · 15/12/2023 15:39

SIL sounds alright

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:39

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 15:27

lip filler, or duck mouth as I call it

Wow, aren't you just so original and clever?

And your point is......?

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/12/2023 15:38

daisybe · 15/12/2023 15:30

The kid is fekin THREE. Let them be a sodding kid. They'll have the rest of their teen and adult life to navigate today's wokeness when they're old enough to actually understand it. Jeez.

Show quote history

She is 3. Yet she is already being taught that she has to be 'pretty' simply because she's a girl.

Let them be kids indeed.

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:38

RedHotAirBalloon · 15/12/2023 15:33

I think your SIL sounds fab.

I wish I had had a positive female role model like that when I was a little girl. My parents, particularly my mother hugely valued prettiness, and rewarded me for being good, quiet, obedient and putting the happiness and wishes of other people before my own.

I'm so glad that at least some little girls are now being brought up differently.

I'd actively discourage her from being quiet, obedient and putting the happiness and wishes of other people before her own.

Not sure why that means SIL needs to encourage her to do activities she enjoys less (football) just because she's a girl. Does DD need to actively go against gender stereotypes even though she prefers the typically more girly activity? Isn't that putting the happiness of others (ie showing the world she's "not like the other girls") before her own?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 15/12/2023 15:37

The only unreasonable one is 3 because it should have been obvious that she wasn't completely dressed. Nothing wrong with any of the others.

Nt1993 · 15/12/2023 15:37

YABU - She sounds like an incredible auntie, just like mine growing up and I thought she was the coolest ever!

If you look at statistics of Gen Z it seems only around 50% are exclusively attracted to the opposite sex. So ensuring your child isn’t pigeonholed into heteronormative stereotypes is super super important! It’s weird to me to think about a gender as a distraction rather than judging how good the school is.

Me and my partner are millennials and have had experiences with the same sex, as have a lot of our friends, oftentimes you don’t hear about it because of judgmental families/friends/peers/neighbours etc. I’m lucky to have lived my 20s in a city centre where it’s so normal and accepted.

I’m not going too much into the other things because me and my partner have agreed not to push colours/clothing items etc on to our baby. She will be wearing exclusively comfy things until she asks for anything different. She’s a baby learning about the world and I don’t want her taste to be altered by what mum and dad see as acceptable for a girl to wear. When she starts expressing her true self that’s all good, whether that be dresses or football t shirts.

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:37

daisybe · 15/12/2023 15:30

The kid is fekin THREE. Let them be a sodding kid. They'll have the rest of their teen and adult life to navigate today's wokeness when they're old enough to actually understand it. Jeez.

Show quote history

Not being straight is woke?

Luxell934 · 15/12/2023 15:36

Your SIL sounds fabulous. You obviously have an issue with her “woke” agenda and are literally looking for things to slate her on.

Indeedindeed24 · 15/12/2023 15:36

The dating girls thing is fine as I think children shouldn't see being gay as anything out of the ordinary.

I hate the baking comment though, it's almost shaming her and is confusing. SIL should crack on and take her to a football match if she wants but shouldn't be making the child feel bad for wanting to stay home and bake.

The party thing would massively piss me off and is totally overstepping boundaries- it's not for auntie to decide what a 3 year old wears and I'd be having a word about that as it's undermining your parenting.

romdowa · 15/12/2023 15:36

Honestly she sounds painful and I'd be telling her she needs to dial it back. Odd things to be saying to a 3 year old in my opinion and if it where my sil I'd be nipping it in the bud. How you raise your child is none of her business and she is massively over stepping.

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:35

Silverbirchtwo · 15/12/2023 15:31

I hope SIL is going to buy DD 'boys toys' for Christmas. We did buy our DD toy cars, trainsets, Lego, Scalextric as well as dolls and girly things. She enjoyed playing with all of them.

Yeah my daughter has more cars than dolls because she prefers them. No issue there with us

OP posts:
Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:35

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:27

OP, there’s a lot I could say about this but I’ll just give you one piece of advice.

One day your DD will be 10 years old, like mine is. The world they grow up in is constantly telling girls to be pretty, do girly things, do better, look nice. It MASSIVELY impacts their self esteem. It comes to the point where as a parent, you’re doing damage limitation - I have always talked positively about looks, including about my own looks but my DD is living in a VERY looks-based world and she’s now feeling the effects. Do everything you can to not focus too heavily on looks.

Also she’s right about the sexual orientation thing.

I rarely mention my looks but quite literally looks are part of life. On the rare occasion that I put on make up I will do it openly rather than go and hide in the bathroom to conduct this secret operation. If we are going to an occasion where people are dressed up then yes I will dress my daughter more smartly.

It's not like I walk around saying "you're a girl, you must wear pink". On the average day it's "here's a few weather appropriate options. What do you want to wear today?" No further mentions of how she looks.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 15/12/2023 15:33

Maybe try and understand your SILs point.
She sounds great

ThomasinaLivesHere · 15/12/2023 15:33

I think the most annoying example is her telling your daughter she can go wearing the clothes she was in when she was going to wear something clean. It’s undermining.

Although I have nothing wrong with the messages she’s giving I’d find some of the interjections annoying and presumptuous. Just because you do something stereotypical like baking doesn’t mean you’re backwards and need someone interjecting comments.

RedHotAirBalloon · 15/12/2023 15:33

I think your SIL sounds fab.

I wish I had had a positive female role model like that when I was a little girl. My parents, particularly my mother hugely valued prettiness, and rewarded me for being good, quiet, obedient and putting the happiness and wishes of other people before my own.

I'm so glad that at least some little girls are now being brought up differently.