To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

SIL I understand you have strong feminist views but can you please stop with the running commentary to my daughter? If you choose to have kids yourself then you can choose how to raise them. I should be able to boost my child's confidence and tell her she looks pretty without you interjecting all the time.

OP she’s your daughter and you seem to be doing a great job ! I would hate it if someone is constantly making those kind of comments ! Her ideas are things I agree with , I bake and play football with my son , I encourage my daughter to try everything, I don’t need someone constantly telling me . But I have seen young children tend to copy their parents , my 18 month old loves to wear my jewellery etc . My 5 year old son loves to twin outfits with his dad . What’s wrong with these things ? When they are older they will make their own choices and we will support them
as will you , I can hear that coming from all your posts . You are not being unreasonable.

Personally I would limit time dd spent with sil. She’s 3
she doesn’t all of that around her just yet. Sil is too pushy with her ideas and has overstepped the mark

Well, if everyone is so sure that the OP is giving her dd good messages about gender roles and stereotypes already, there's nothing wrong with the SIL reinforcing them, is there?

You are so right. Especially the point about minimising their efforts. Little awareness of what 3 year olds are like.

I agree with you. 😊

Nothing wrong with SIL messages but it is not her place to keep making comments. Irritating. She is sticking her oar in.
What would annoy me in your place is her assumption that you are not aware of these things and you heed her to point them out. also annoying because it’s provocative passive-aggressive to make comments to your DD when SIL is actually talking to you.
Next time say something like “I do KNOW these things, SIL - (give a little laugh) ‘You don’t have to keep telling me as if I don’t know!’ Try to keep it light.
IMO she should butt out.

Who does she think she is? Totally over stepping boundaries.

Your daughter to parent how you see fit.

Your daughter will grow up surrounded by this woke noise. Woke friends, brought up by woke parents, surrounded by woke teachers.

At least let home be a woke-bs-free zone.

I really wouldn’t want anyone in my family taking an ‘active part’ in my children’s upbringing. Seeing them, spending time with them is one thing but giving permission for them to interfere in their upbringing, no thanks.

Sounds like most of your interlocutors have never met a 3 year old, and haven’t really read what your post says OP.
It’s rude to tell anyone, especially an easily distracted 3 year old that they could be doing something else when they’re in the middle of doing an activity. The correct response is: well done. But remember you could be doing something else minimises their effort.
Telling your 3 year old she doesn’t need to be pretty for any man implies her mommy is doing that, and that it’s wrong, it’s rude towards you and interrupted your bonding time.
Telling a 3 year old that she doesn’t need to change her clothes when she’s half dresses is again just silly, my 2 years old toddler hates clothes, hates nappy change, hates bath time or combing her hair. She’ll happily spend all day naked with no nappy if she could, telling her she doesn’t need clean clothes if I do manage to change her is just silly.
I empathise and understand your frustration op, just call her out for being rude. Say things like “are you implying I’m putting make up to impress a man?” Or “My child is having a good time doing an activity, can you please not minimise her achievement?”

She sound hard work and patronising. Why does she assume you and your dh need to be educated?

I'd just say we dont believe in limiting our daughters choices just to fit in to societal expectations. If she tries to say she's not doing that I'd ask her how telling dd she shouldn't play with a kitchen is any better/different than telling her she shouldn't play with a football. It's all telling girls how to fit in.

What I find very unfeminist is the assumption that traditionally male activities (e.g. football) are somehow better or more worthy than traditionally female activities (e.g. baking). Especially ridiculous seeing as you can very easily go through life without being able to play football, whereas you'd struggle to get through life without being able to cook!

Also, how ridiculous that your SIL thinks playing with a toy kitchen will teach your daughter to cook for a man rather than to cook for, perhaps, herself?!

I always think my niece is a perfect example of a feminist upbringing- she loves Disney films and sparkly skirts, and also loves dinosaurs and is an absolute daredevil. She likes what she likes, with no thought towards whether it is traditionally masculine or feminine.

And for all those attacking the OP for being a SAHM- would you do the same if her husband was a SAHD? I'm a SAHM with a wife who works, so am I a problem too?

Me too, though I think in eg3 I'd encourage clean clothes for occasions, it shows a sign of self worth.

Honestly if this what you think woke is you are completely two dimensional.

definition of woke:

”aware of and actively attentive to important societal facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice)”

The example that would bother me most is the third one. If I was trying to get my child ready and out of the house for an event and someone was saying "oh, you can go like this" in a dirty vest, one sock and PJ bottoms in the middle of winter, that is quite unhelpful. No, she can't go like this because the clothes are dirty and not appropriate for the event or the weather. You've specifically told her to get dressed - no need to distract from getting ready or give a 3yo an opt out from listening to their parent when they are trying to keep to schedule.

That said, it does annoy me when people constantly tell their daughters to look pretty if they don't point out anything else. I don't think you are alone in commenting on your child's looks though. I often tell my sons how cute they are - I don't do it to fixate on their looks, I just sometimes look at them sometimes and think "you are sooooo cute!" so I say it out loud. I'm sure most parents do occasionally! Just make sure it isn't the only thing you comment on and you also focus on her being strong/fast/clever/helpful/kind/funny etc.

Re the football thing, I think your SIL was a bit clumsy and perhaps scored an own goal on the feminism pitch. By rejecting the cookies and telling her she could've gone to watch football instead, your SIL is subtly telling your daughter that football is better than baking and by extension those who play football (usually male) have more worth than those who bake (usually female). Also, your daughter was active in the baking whereas she would've just been a spectator to the football and surely it is better to be doing something you enjoy rather than watching someone else do something they enjoy?

She's Accurate.

SIL is subtly undermining Mum when she says these things. She is imposing her view of the world on a child that is not her own in a way that is making mum feel uncomfortable. She should not be doing this. All those who are supporting SIL just imagine the roles are reversed and it was mum who was the feminist and SIL was the more traditional. Would it be alright then? Mumnetters would come down on SIL like a ton of bricks in those circumstances.

I kind of see where you’re coming from. It sounds like she does cross the line a bit sometimes, though I think her heart is in the right place. I hate it when people who wish to be seen as progressive make an uncalled for judgement about someone else’s behaviour to create a “teachable moment” making themselves look and feel superior in the process. The makeup comment sounds a bit like that - as though you’re a walking stereotype and you’ve said you need to look pretty for men when (apparently) you haven’t. That is very annoying. The outfit change is even worse - very undermining, impractical, and an overstep. Overall she sounds like a decent person but she’s maybe overdoing it a bit. We all have to navigate tricky stereotyping issues, particularly with kids, and it sounds like you’re well aware and on board with that. It would be better if you were in on that together (when it comes to your child) and not in opposition where she’s presented as the ultimate feminist and you as the carrier of oppressive stereotypes. Perhaps a chat would sort that out.

I will add that taking your daughter to watch a boy relative play football and judging therefore that she would not like football herself doesn’t follow. Watching it and playing it are two very different things. I’d be very surprised at any three year old who likes to sit and watch other people play anything, particularly something with a lot of complex rules that aren’t immediately apparent. (I apologise if I misunderstood your comment about how she didn’t enjoy watching her cousin play/therefore has no interest in playing herself)

Absolutely spot on.

well. at 3 years of age, what would be good to hear is 'hey these cookies taste great!' and not an odd message about why she might like to be at football, instead of what she actually is doing. This SIL is transferring her own hang-ups onto a child and making it about herself. SHE is the one sending a message about gender roles.

😆😆😆

it is exactly that.

exactly. She could have said 'hey awesome cookies!' but no, she was a crashing bore instead.

I hope she doesn't. She would try to use them as a statement.