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Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
HoHoHoliday · 15/12/2023 16:00

I think your SIL is going to be a wonderful champion and ally in your daughter's life. If she were the parent, those sorts of comments continuously might be a problem. But if she's not living with you and just presenting an alternative way of thinking and being when you see her then I believe she's doing good.
Just on your point about boys, because I read you follow up comment - you thinking the probability is that she will grow up to like boys because that's most common is exactly the problem with the idea! Yes, the majority of people are straight, but that doesn't mean those who are not should consider themselves alternative. Bringing her up to believe she may like boys or girls or both or neither should be presented as the norm until she makes a choice herself.
Likewise with the dressing situation. Yes of course it's fine that you wanted her to get dressed into clean clothes, but you could have encouraged her by saying she needed to get dressed without adding the "because you'll look pretty" comment.
This is what your SIL is trying to balance.

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:59

Wellhellooooodear · 15/12/2023 15:56

She sounds fucking tiresome.

I think she sounds great! She can come round mine any time.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 15/12/2023 15:59

Why are you discussing dating boys with a 3 year old?!

You are both extreme and she is just countering your over the top 1950s attitude.

If you chill, so will she.

Timemysticaltime · 15/12/2023 15:59

I get it OP. I think the message behind all this is fine but she's being a bit heavy handed with it. I have a 4YO DD and she loves getting dressed up and wearing sparkly things and she loves unicorns, pink and purple. She also loves Spiderman and football. But I feel embarrassed she likes all the girly stuff as it now feels like girls shouldn't be girly even if they want to?

I think don't force them into anything, let them choose their own way and all these opinions are quite a lot for such a young kid. Agree with posts up thread to always be conscious of your internalised stereotypes and I'm always careful to say 'people' she might like to date instead of boys etc etc but ultimately if your DD likes stereotypically girly things then good for her!

SIL also seems to be making calls that she shouldn't be making imo. It's not up to her how your daughter looks leaving the house! I wouldn't want my DD going out in just tights and a vest in December either. it's not about how pretty she is.

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:59

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 15:56

She is undermining OP massively and needs to stop overstepping Confused

Show quote history

Well, she is undermining old-fashioned, stone-age views, and that kid is lucky there is someone around to do that. As a child I was badly treated by a parent and I am so glad an aunt 'undermined' that.

Maka21 · 15/12/2023 15:59

I think I would have not minded any of those comments apart from the clothes one.I would have corrected SIL in the moment along the lines of “yes but we want you to be clean and smart don’t we DD” she is only offering an alternative view point. Not everybody’s opinions are always going to match up to yours.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 15/12/2023 15:57

I live my life more like your SIL than you HOWEVER what’s irritating is that your SIL seems to see it as her job to educate her niece differently from her parents; or that she sees her niece as a project she’s entitled to influence.

I have really, really strong views about make up, pink, girly girly stuff (I have a DD and DS). When DD was a baby and toddler, actually right up to the age when people might buy her clothes as a gift, I didn’t hold back in my anti-pink thing. But she was my child, that was my right. If I’d wanted to dress her up as a doll and my SIL had tried to stop me, I’d have been extremely annoyed at her overstepping boundaries like that.

In reality, none of it matters. Your DD will figure it all out for herself soon enough. Neither of you will influence her that much!

Wellhellooooodear · 15/12/2023 15:56

She sounds fucking tiresome.

GabriellaMontez · 15/12/2023 15:56

Would you like to go like this?

This is where she clearly crosses the line. And I would make this very clear.

When your Mum asks you to do something, it's not for your Aunty to pipe up, effectively "you don't have to".

It's undermining.

I recognise some of what your sil is doing. But I think she's disrespectful of you to continue to do it so forcefully and repeatedly. Your daughter is not her social experiment.

Nt1993 · 15/12/2023 15:56

nearlyemptynes · 15/12/2023 15:52

Your SIL has worked out your underlying prejudices and is trying to make sure they don't rub off on DD. Her views are not extreme and you need to get with the times, your daughter will put you right as she grows up.

I felt maybe this could possibly be the issue too! Maybe cool aunt has heard and seen things she doesn’t agree with.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 15:56

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:16

I am totally with the SIL. She sounds great. You sound a bit prejudiced with your 'feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme'. If you have beliefs, what's wrong with having them fully? Isn't that best?

She is undermining OP massively and needs to stop overstepping Confused

AegonT · 15/12/2023 15:56

I would let her say these thing and just smile. Nothing she is saying is harmful and you can insist on dressing smartly for a party.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 15:55

I'm with you for all but the very last example with the mirror. That was just positive reinforcement.

BUT.... She needs to butt the hell out and stay in her lane. She has NO right to undermine you or your parenting.
My mum did this a lot and I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that DC ended up with a major behavioural problem at home as she ended up not believing a word I said as Grandma kept saying the opposite right after/correcting me right in front of DC. It took a long time to fix.

FallingStar21 · 15/12/2023 15:54

greencheetah · 15/12/2023 15:51

I’m another Team SIL.

It is probably good you didn’t enable voting OP 😂

Probably.. because Mumsnet at its Finest is always great at twisting things and piling on the OP's!

Mintyhotchocolate · 15/12/2023 15:54

With the getting dressed for a function example you said you’d told your daughter to get dressed as she’ll look pretty. Why not tell her to finish getting ready so she’s clean and smart? She shouldn’t be told that she needs to be pretty to go out, or that prettiness equates to a stereotypical dress.

nearlyemptynes · 15/12/2023 15:52

Your SIL has worked out your underlying prejudices and is trying to make sure they don't rub off on DD. Her views are not extreme and you need to get with the times, your daughter will put you right as she grows up.

greencheetah · 15/12/2023 15:51

I’m another Team SIL.

It is probably good you didn’t enable voting OP 😂

Mischance · 15/12/2023 15:50

She sounds a right p in the a. It is up to you to say these things as you see fit - you are her parent. Your SIL's task is to support and not undermine your parenting. You need to say to SIL that it is your choice as to how you approach things with her and that, if she has a problem with anything, she sho0uld speak to you in private.

stemmedroses · 15/12/2023 15:46

I happily admit I judge women with lip filler, or duck mouth as I call it. Judge them as fools

And you call the OP prejudiced 😂

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:46

Hobnobswantshernameback · 15/12/2023 15:45

I hate people who use woke as an insult
If being "woke" is having basic empathy and decency and not being a wanker then I'm happy be as woke as you like

👏🏼 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Poorlymumma · 15/12/2023 15:45

I understand why the comments are annoying.
"She could date girls" implies you might be homophobic
"She doesn't have to do baking" implies you've told her that she has to and isn't allowed to play football
"You don't have to wear a dress" implies you're forcing her into dresses

When in reality, you would be fine if she was gay, or wanted to play football. You had a lovely time baking together and just wanted her to get dressed.

She sounds exhausting to me, always having to make a point of everything.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/12/2023 15:45

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:41

@SouthLondonMum22 when have I said she needs to be pretty because she's a girl?

Both of the examples of you using the word pretty enforces the stereotype.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 15/12/2023 15:45

I hate people who use woke as an insult
If being "woke" is having basic empathy and decency and not being a wanker then I'm happy be as woke as you like

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:45

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:41

@SouthLondonMum22 when have I said she needs to be pretty because she's a girl?

Just because you don’t say it outright, it doesn’t mean that’s not the message that comes across

Whatishedoing · 15/12/2023 15:45

Your sil has the right idea