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Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
chillin12 · 15/12/2023 16:12

Against the grain here, it seems, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Your daughter is still so young. It’s perfectly normal for you to say she will be into boys, majority are straight. There’s no need to infiltrate such a young child with all this extra, regarding gender, stereotypes etc. I’m sure your daughter isn’t even thinking about it, or why she isn’t allowed to play football etc. She seems like she is enjoying the baking activity. I don’t see anything wrong with wearing a nice dress and feeling pretty, either.

35965a · 15/12/2023 16:12

I disagree with most people, SIL doesn’t sound great, she sounds like a dick.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 16:11

@Wellhellooooodear 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 You've put it so, so well

novhange · 15/12/2023 16:11

I am your SIL, but to my sisters' teen and adult daughters. I am always telling them to live for their potential and teaching them about feminism.

We are more like friends/sisters than aunt/niece, and they don't call me aunty.

Their mums will always be their mums, but as you say OP, the more people who love them the better.

I wasn't blessed with great relationshios with my siblings but I lucked out with my nieces, they are amazing and I will always be there for them, and my sisters like that.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 16:11

@PaulaPocket Oh grow up! How do you expect random people on the internet to know 'as if by magic' 🪄 that your MIL is dead?! You knew very well what my point was. It was a bloody example

poetryandwine · 15/12/2023 16:11

I am a STEM academic and strong feminist but I have some mixed feelings here. Some of what your SIL says is great, some of it sounds a bit goady and undermining.

Your DD may grow up to be a beautiful, makeup loving LGBTQ+ Grand Prix driver with a passion for baking. Would you and DH be okay with that, OP? Would SIL?

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 15/12/2023 16:11

RunningFromInsanity · 15/12/2023 15:16

1 and 2 are perfectly reasonable.

As for the rest, obviously we don’t know about your relationship with your daughter but you do seem to mention her looking ‘pretty’ quite a lot. It’s not a bad thing to make a conscious effort to focus less on her appearance. Kids pick up a lot from what you say.

I disagree that example 2 is reasonable because it suggests that OP made her daughter stay home and bake simply because she's a girl. I baked with DD at the weekend and if someone had said "you know, you don't have to bake just because you're a girl" I'd be a bit wtf because she asked to bake, and she baked with DH the weekend before. So the assumption that DD associates baking with being female wouldn't be correct. But the comment suggests criticism of the parenting.

The SIL didn't make an incorrect statement. But I can see why OP found it annoying

Wellhellooooodear · 15/12/2023 16:10

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:59

I think she sounds great! She can come round mine any time.

Show quote history

You and I have different ideas of great. It's not her job to make these comments, it's OPs and it would annoy me no end.

onawave · 15/12/2023 16:09

On the whole I do agree with what she's saying but my god she sounds annoying.
I have a 2 year old who is constantly telling me how nana and granddad tell her how pretty she is so I do understand why she would want your daughter to understand it's not the most important thing in the world though.
If you told her she wasn't allowed to go to football and had to bake because she's a girl that would be one thing but if the kid wants to bake she should be allowed to bake a cake without her aunt making out she's feministing wrong.

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 16:09

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 16:06

@PaulaPocket EVERY SINGLE PARENT has the right to raise their child however they see fit! Whether SIL or Paula on the internet agrees or not! This is OP's DD. Nobody else's. If your MIL started overstepping the mark like this I expect you'd be up in arms

She'd have to rise from the grave to do that. Thanks for reminding me.

horseyhorsey17 · 15/12/2023 16:08

Your SIL sounds great!

Yes you are totally BU.

daisybe · 15/12/2023 16:08

Poorlymumma · 15/12/2023 15:45

I understand why the comments are annoying.
"She could date girls" implies you might be homophobic
"She doesn't have to do baking" implies you've told her that she has to and isn't allowed to play football
"You don't have to wear a dress" implies you're forcing her into dresses

When in reality, you would be fine if she was gay, or wanted to play football. You had a lovely time baking together and just wanted her to get dressed.

She sounds exhausting to me, always having to make a point of everything.

This!

FictionalCharacter · 15/12/2023 16:08

I don't think it's wrong for people to say things like this to kids, but it's a bit much if she jumps in like this all the time. And she shouldn't be contradicting you as DD's parent e.g. when you've already made a decision (with dd) about what she's wearing to a party.

It's fine to tell a girl she doesn't have to always look pretty. But SIL shouldn't be on at her constantly about it. The poor girl could end up feeling that if she wants to look pretty, she's wrong to feel like that, or that it's naff to wear a dress to a party and cool to wear stained pyjamas and one sock because SIL thinks that.

Also I think that for a 3 year old the messages should be less full-on.

I hope that if your DD grows up to be a girly girl with ambitions to be a SAHM of six, your SIL accepts her as she is and doesn't lecture her incessantly about how she "didn't need to" make those choices. It goes both ways.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 16:06

@PaulaPocket EVERY SINGLE PARENT has the right to raise their child however they see fit! Whether SIL or Paula on the internet agrees or not! This is OP's DD. Nobody else's. If your MIL started overstepping the mark like this I expect you'd be up in arms

elizabethdraper · 15/12/2023 16:06

Better than my sister in law who tried to teach my 4 year old how to cry to get what she wanted!!

We are very much on the she will not be going to a single sex school - IMHO they should be banned.

She is in a foot team but also loves baking

We dont talk about looks, we talk about being fablous and confident

NoTouch · 15/12/2023 16:05

Some is ok-ish, although a bit repetitive and one track, but unless you are saying to your dd you are dressing up to impress men there is not need for it.

Tempnamechng · 15/12/2023 16:04

Your sil seems to have a bit of a woke saviour complex with your dd! She sounds well meaning but pushy and ott, and needs to trust that you can raise a well rounded and well adjusted daughter. I actually think it's fine to tell your child they are beautiful, and wanting them to go out well presented does not mean that you are obsessed by looks, it means that you take pride in your appearance. I shouldn't imagine your dh would want to take a 3 yo of either sex to a football match. I also think its strange for her to talk about your 3yo dd's sexuality and to assume you won't be accepting if she chooses to date girls. My dd copied me when she was little, but wouldn't be caught dead wearing make up or girlie clothes as an older teen.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 16:04

@SouthLondonMum22 How OP raises her DC is NONE of your business! How dare you? This is about SIL overstepping the mark not how OP parents. JFC

EarringsandLipstick · 15/12/2023 16:03

@nhd

Geez, some of these answers ... 'I love SIL' etc. Nope I would NOT love her and would almost certainly have had a row with her by now.

She's annoying AF, and totally over-stepping to boot.

You seem to have a really good handle on how to approach your DD - issues with empowerment do not arise because of occasional (or even regular) comments about being pretty or imitating a parent applying makeup. It's much more about the values and ethos of how a family lives their lives, and as much about unstated views as anything else.

It's completely fine for DD to express a desire to be 'pretty' or for you to do so - it doesn't correlate with the mistaken beliefs of some here that this is now subjugating her to a life where she is judged exclusively on her physical appearance.

Above all that though, it's simply not SIL's role to decide what can and cannot be said to your DD, and what messages she needs to hear.

A good aunt (or other extended relative) is there in a benign, engaged role - can be easier-going and relaxed in a way a parent might not always be (as they are not responsible); can be another loving presence that's more a treat (as not there all the time) than a child's own parent is.

If they want to model anything, let them do so in their own lives and actions, that the child will observe - their relationships, priorities, job / education. They don't need to go around heavy-handed, picking up on innocuous comments and thinking they are making some point that a 3 yo picks up. They don't.

But ... as to what you can do ... I'm not sure. You probably don't want to have a row about it or make an issue - I think the MN hard stare / head tilt could be employed, but honestly, if there were enough irritating comments, I would call her out.

I think you sound great OP, btw!

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 16:02

JustTalkToThem · 15/12/2023 15:39

Oh I see - you're not actually interested in other opinions at all! You just wanted everyone to bemoan the wokeness of your SIL.

That's not quite working out for you is it? #TeamSIL

The SIL is undermining OP and overstepping the mark MASSIVELY! How OP parents her child is up to her and her DH/DD's DF. Not SIL or you!

#TeamOP

Pusheen467 · 15/12/2023 16:02

She sounds irritating AF and I think most posters would find it irritating too if they had to put up with every interaction with their child being picked apart.

My DD has always been very girly - loves pink, dresses, dolls etc. I've told her that people can wear what they want, boys can wear pink, men can marry men and women can marry women etc when it's come up naturally in conversation but constant comments like this would piss me off. My MIL was a bit like this except it wasn't because of any beliefs, it was just to try to disagree with me as much as possible ie if I made a joke that baby DD burping wasn't ladylike she'd shriek about how she can be anything she wants to be and if anyone has a problem they can see Grandma about it 🙄So glad we don't speak anymore.

CuteCillian · 15/12/2023 16:02

Getting you used to what life will be like when DD is a teenager!

Lachimolala · 15/12/2023 16:01

Whilst I agree with SIL viewpoint, it’s all a bit much, she’s 3 let the kid enjoy what she enjoys. There’s a balance to be had, not everything needs a retort and reminder. It’s okay to let girls enjoy traditionally ‘girly’ things without it being an issue. When she’s older she’ll come into her own and lean towards what she likes.

CurlewKate · 15/12/2023 16:01

I'm definitely Team SIL! It's never too soon for girls to hear these messages.

caringcarer · 15/12/2023 16:01

I'd find SiL tiresome tbh. I might try to get in first eg go on a date so SiL cannot make a comment about dating girls without sounding stupid.