To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

"assuming" anyone will grow up to be or is straight is harmfully heteronormative and the sort of thing that makes it necessary for people to have to "come out" to their parents, and worry about how it'll be taken (even if their parents are actually fine with it). Sparing kids this worry is the least you can do and it's hardly challenging to speak about these things in a gender neutral way.

The idea that women need to be "pretty" is equally harmful. Yes, you've internalised it, heck, I've internalised it, but wouldn't it be amazing for it to be otherwise? So why not do what you can to prevent your daughter internalising it, too?

I’m with the SIL. This is also my approach.

Though I aim to leave the house with everyone wearing clean clothes to go to a party.

It takes a village and all that!

Well OP it sounds like you’re already a pretty solid role model of not confirming to societal expectations or girls/women. I really don’t think your dd needs constant performative and grating commentary from her aunt every time she engages in a supposedly feminine past time. Children learn best from being surrounded by positive messages, which they absorb naturally, rather than enduring constant worthy teaching opportunities artificially inserted into their every enjoyable moment. I should think it’s confusing for your dd and often interrupts the natural flow of learning whether or not this is something she enjoys.

You’ve more patience than me because I’d have told her to be quiet long before now!

Perfectly put and exactly what I would do too!

Whilst I agree with SIL's sentiments, I was almost on your side OP with the first post. The more you responded, the more I changed my mind. I'm now with her. I do think (based on your side of the story, and there are always two sides) that she may be irritating if she is constantly nitpicking. But I do wonder if your perception is skewed, and honestly... given some of your responses here I might also be "nit picking" some of your daughters options.

I'm proud to be "that" mother, grandmother and aunt to both boys and girls (including to more than one I have no biological relationship with) and have happily "misled" a whole host of children who have, and continue to, turn out having opinions, options, and an understanding of the fact that there are no limits to who or what they can be.

For some reason I can't see the poll for this thread so I couldn't vote, but no, you are not being unreasonable. Your SIL sounds utterly tiresome. I agree with your SIL's general philosophy, but there's a time and place for everything. It's undermining you as a parent to constantly slip these little "teachable moments" in in response to any thing you say.

I totally subscribe to underlying ideas of SIL but this would drive me nuts 🤣
Probably because she’s overstepping- trying to parent your child instead of you.
plus it’s restrictive ideas
I would immediately counteract to daughter “if you want to look pretty it’s totally okay to want it too”
”Sarah really wanted to bake and is excited about it”
and I would probably have a word with SIL - there are ways to encourage “feminist” interests without crapping on everything else

I was thinking that.

Especially if it's every time Op says something that she feels the need to correct.

I agree that the 3yr old doesn't have to look pretty for anyone & that would be the thing I would try myself to not say.

That would drive me crazy! The constant undermining and commentary! As the parent you have the right to raise your children how you see fit. If it was the other way around and you were commenting and correcting with more traditional values she’d flip her lid! When she has children she can have the perks of raising them how she wants. The constant add ons would drive me crazy.

If OP doesn't want opinions then she is in the wrong place, it's AIBU.

I don't agree that SIL is overstepping.

I think talking about a 3 year old dating boys and looking pretty is a bit much. There's just so much pressure on girls to conform to this stereotype and to have people around you saying, 'You don't have to be this way' is really important.

So many girls are being made deeply unhappy by the way society stereotypes them.

Even when they're little girls are inhibited from physical play/exercise because of their flimsy impractical clothing.

Perhaps just suggest your sister in law takes your daughter to some kind of sporty activity together. Or if you don't like your sister in law, take your daughter yourself.

I agree with all the things SIL is saying but I would find this really irritating. It's the nitpicking almost finding faults with how you're parenting her. A bit performative parenting, but a back seat driver version.
Fwiw you sound like you've got a good attitude towards raising your daughter with her gender and you don't need to make a big song and dance of it with a 3 year old

If that was a mother-in-law the OP would be told to go low contact!

Yes! So true. The majority of threads are demonstrating the usual mumsnet ageist bias: SIL is 'one of us'. MIL is overstepping.

Yes it’s a bit much and would annoy me too. I mean she’s 3 for god sake 🙄. Have a word a tell her to tone it down.

YABU. Your SiL isn't saying anything untoward. You're the one making assumptions about your DD: that she'll conform to feminine stereotypes.

And I wish people wouldn't comment on girls being "pretty" - I never was a pretty child or teenager, and you know what, I noticed, that the adults around me called my sisters pretty, but never me.

I think your SIL is overstepping. While what she’s saying is true, it sounds like she’s mentioning it at every opportunity - and unnecessarily. It’s not her job to mould your DD into her ideal child.

It sounded like she wanted your DD to go to football and was making a big thing of it. That’s not how you do it. You keep everything pretty neutral - ie don’t mention ‘girl things’ and ‘boy things’. Your SIL almost seems to be trying to push your DD to be a tomboy, possibly for her own gratification - ie so she can boast about her - or because she’s doing what she’d do with her own child with yours.

I’ll politely ask her to stop. Say that you’re raising your DD to be a confident, modern women but you’re doing it in your way. If she then makes a similar comment, raise your hand to stop her and say something jokey to your DD to distract from what SIL has said. That will reinforce to your DD that her choices are ok and also stop SIL interfering so much.

In your third example you said 'I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty".'

This is probably what your SIL is picking up on (looking pretty). Of course no one is saying your DD shouldn't wear clean clothes, but as many other posters have said, it's what girls hear over and over again. It's often one of the hardest things I think to stop yourself doing or saying with girls - their clothes often are more interesting and pretty than boys' clothes, and as women we're socialised to compliment each other on our clothes and appearance.

I think SIL is coming from a really well meaning place. She could possibly tone it down if she's effectively saying 'boy stuff' is better - there's nothing wrong with baking, just because it's associated with girls.

Re schools - you've got years to think about it, but girls in single sex schools often do better academically.

These links might be helpful, or might be what SIL has been looking at. (Also, as someone who cared deeply about my young niece before I had children, she's probably also thinking it's very easy to combat stereotypes as she's not yet had to do it day in day out with her own kid!).

https://www.ravishly.com/2015/03/20/why-we-need-stop-devaluing-femininity

https://www.lettoysbetoys.org.uk/resources/raising-children-without-gender-stereotypes/

It's great that your DD has so many people in her life that love her. It's great that she will see they have different ideas and values and can still be a family.

as the same sex parent you are the single greatest role model in your DD's life. SIL's views may be extreme compared to yours and 'full on in their delivery but they are an absolute drop in the ocean compared with the influence you have on her.
Hearing alternative viewpoints from SIL is good. she might well grow up to disagree with her but she is hearing she can make her own choices and that's an excellent message.

I'm no woke warrior but someone posted an article once which say how often we comment on girls' looks relative to boys. And by extension tend to comment on what girls are wearing and what boys like doing.

I have sons not daughters but when I go on FB, it's a fair observation. People post photos of their daughters and most posts are along the lines of "so beautiful" etc. I've taken it on board and try really hard to not do it with my nieces.

So I think your SIL has a point around reinforcing complements that aren't only based on appearance and beauty.

I can see why it's irritating, but I think she is trying to 'redress the balance' as I do think from your comments that you are tipping it the other way.
I am very careful not to talk about 'looking pretty' to my daughter, but rather 'looking smart' or 'looking presentable'.
You might think you are being neutral (though I am not sure you are.... interesting that her choice of clothes to the function was a dress or.... a dress - not trousers), but in fact society as a whole is not.
I remember reading about a study which showed girls were also better at things like reading and art because they were much more likely to be given that type of gift, whereas boys are given things like footballs.
Also - some kids will ask to play football/sport without any encouragement.... but many need to be encouraged and pushed a bit at the beginning. And the difference is that with a boy, parents unconsciously do more of the 'nudging', and as a result more of the boys get into it - whereas with the girls, the parents don't nudge so much (except for ballet), so unless the girl is highly motivated from the start, she will do less.

It is possible to be both right and annoying.
Your SIL isn't wrong but she she does seem to be moving into your parenting space somewhat.
Ultimately you get to raise your dd the way you want to because you are her parent.

Or if you are a fake tan / make-up always / lip filler type person

Well dd1 is a fake tan/make up always person - she's also a pretty decent centre midfielder - you can't judge a book by it's cover.

SIL is just challenging your stereotypes - boys might distract her so send her to a girls school - might not have worked for my gay middle daughter, going to the football - 2 of my 3 play and are passionate about it - looking pretty - even YOU didn't mean 'pretty' you meant clear and well dressed - so say that - she'll face enough external pressure to be 'pretty' and doesn't need that enforcing at home!

Baking as a hobby is not a bad thing but I taught mine to cook - an essential life skill - which started with helping me bake/cook so I don't see a huge issue with this.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wearing makeup every day (I do) or dressing your DD in dresses and ribbons, nor should you ever be made to feel like you need to apologise for it etc, but I do think it's important to ensure children know that they do have a choice and it isn't 'bad' to not follow a certain trend or like different things. Maybe the SIL is coming across a bit strong but surely it's not a bad thing to expose them to something different?

I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"

So it’s not too early for you to speculate about her dating boys…but it is too early for SIL to point out she might have a different preference? I completely agree that 3 is way too early to be speculating on her sexuality, but that’s exactly what you did first! SIL was only following your lead - or do you just not like the suggestion she might choose to date girls? Otherwise I don’t see how it’s any different to saying she might choose to date boys, which you said.

Your SIL might be a bit OTT but I think you’ve got some engrained ideas you could do with a bit introspection on.