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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 15/12/2023 17:25

I totally understand what your sil is doing.

She's letting your girl know she's got a choice and you do need to start it young.

I had to have a word with my son as he was being " helicopter parent " with his girls at the park.
Don't climb that tree etc.
I reminded him he never said that to his boy.... he agreed he was wrong.

Most of us DO, unconsciously, treat young boys and girls different.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 17:23

Blogswife · 15/12/2023 17:16

She sounds like a great role model to your DD - everything she’s saying is valid but at the end of the day, you’re her mum and if you don’t like what your SIL is telling your DD then ask her to tone it down .

Is anything she says actually not true though? What’s to dislike? Other than OP feeling undermined by it - but isn’t that her problem? (or his problem etc).😉

Coyoacan · 15/12/2023 17:22

I think it is nice that she has that aunty. She sounds a bit OTT, but no harm.

Greenandgreed · 15/12/2023 17:21

OP - your DD spends the vast majority of her time with you . Your values will be much more prominent than your SILs . It’s good for her to learn that people have different values and how to handle that diplomatically . This is just part of that . Relax and just parent your way .

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 17:20

I don’t see this as undermining just idiosyncratic quips.

You can either feel undermined, get riled, go on the defensive or take them with a sense of humour. You could even add your own when SIL is there for a laugh - himself or herself, history or herstory etc.

Loopyloooooo · 15/12/2023 17:20

SIL sounds like hard work, it must be exhausting living like that.

ShiteRider · 15/12/2023 17:17

She’s absolutely right in everything she says isn’t she?

Not sure what the issue is to be honest

Blogswife · 15/12/2023 17:16

She sounds like a great role model to your DD - everything she’s saying is valid but at the end of the day, you’re her mum and if you don’t like what your SIL is telling your DD then ask her to tone it down .

StaunchMomma · 15/12/2023 17:14

The problem is, she's right!

It's lovely that your DD enjoys putting on make up on like Mummy etc BUT it's also wonderful that she has someone she loves telling her she's perfect without any effort and that she shouldn't change herself for anyone.

If more teenage girls got that message early they wouldn't be pumping their lips/tits & butts to look like sex dolls, accepting choking and anal as standard sexual requests or falling for tactics to get a hold of nudes - all things that are rife in younger generations right now. It's so depressing!

I have no idea why this winds you up, OP. SIL isn't trying to change DD, she's just letting her know she can be whatever she wants to be.

Your casual dropping of the word 'woke' may give a bit of a clue, I guess.

TiredCatLady · 15/12/2023 17:14

SIL sounds great!

SerafinasGoose · 15/12/2023 17:13

Constantly undermining your parenting must be as irritating as hell, and SiL does sound a bit over-earnest and very constant about it. It's a bit, well, 'vegan' of her.

In which case, yes, her behaviour is an overstep. As for the dating comments, whether this stems from a conversation about dating girls or boys is immaterial. If DD is too young, then she's too young.

That aside, I'm in complete agree with the substance of what SiL says. (My boy loves to bake, by the way)!

biscuitnut · 15/12/2023 17:13

I am with op. Tell SIL to pipe down. Mumsnet likes to pretend otherwise but let’s be honest - the vast majorly of little girls like make up and dressing up. Your daughter is copying her mum applying her make up which is pretty standard behaviour. You raise her as you see fit, it’s got nothing to do with anyone else. Wearing make up and looking good is not a character flaw! If your daughter starts showing a strong disinclination to dress up and be ‘girlie’ then obviously you will be steered in another direction- but by your daughter, not be an overbearing SIL.

skyeisthelimit · 15/12/2023 17:12

YANBU and your SIL shouldn't be inflicting her views on your DD. Nobody should ever be in your face with their own opinions on any subject.

My friend has 2 older teenage girls, who were so girly when young, everything was pink and glitter and now they are both into sports, one plays ladies football at quite a high level and the other plays rugby. The rugby player is also into her makeup and hair.

SIL needs to let your DD grow up and make her own choices.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 17:12

YABU for assuming your DD wants to date boys- your SIL was spot on to point out there’s an option. YA also BU to encourage your DD to put on a dress so that she can “look pretty”. This is the kind of stuff that messes up girls. 🤮

poetryandwine · 15/12/2023 17:09

I hope people who think OP’s DD needs to be enlightened have taken on board that OP studied Engineering at university. There are few more traditionally male environments.

It’s not a course of study for anyone only interested in traditional feminine pursuits

LimePi · 15/12/2023 17:09

@Frasers

the OP has engineering degree and worked in finance
you seem to have very old fashioned ideas about SAHMs and make up
a woman can like many things, both STEM and makeup

LimePi · 15/12/2023 17:07

i feel sorry for commenters saying that they want to be SIL’s friend. Are you really that desperate and don’t have your own feminist friends?? This is just sad. I have a ton (some of them are as annoying as this SIL to be fair with some performative streak, but some are truly fab). You should revise your social circle if this one person makes you so excited 🙄

poetryandwine · 15/12/2023 17:03

nhd · 15/12/2023 16:41

Of course we'd be ok with that. SIL.. I don't know, I guess yes too?

As a girl who used to spend a lot of weekends watching my grandad work on his car in the garage, then pursued an engineering degree and went into finance... I wouldn't exactly say I'm a stereotypical girly role model. Although having said that I do take pride in my appearance if I'm heading out for a nice dinner date with my husband, I've chosen to give up my job in banking to be a SAHM and I try to cook meals every day for my family. Do we have to fall into one category or the other necessarily?!

Show quote history

I don’t think we should fall into one category! That was my point.

Strictlymad · 15/12/2023 17:03

I’m with you op, this would drive me nuts! Like you are constantly being undermined! Of course let he go out in pj bottoms and a dirty vest- I’m sure you would get a million calls to ss for neglect! How dare mummy actually get you ‘ready’ in a morning! She sounds absolutely infuriating! I wouldn’t want to tread on eggshells for fear of sil mentioning dd is wearing something pink today!

meatyryvita · 15/12/2023 17:03

Your SIL sounds epic frankly.

Cnidarian · 15/12/2023 17:02

Please send your SIL my way I want to be her friend!

Frasers · 15/12/2023 17:01

Respect to,your sil. Good for her. There is nothing she said that is wrong.

plus you gave me the ick when you said you love putting on make up as it’s a form of art. How much are you putting on?

you have a very old fashioned stereotypical female life. The house wife raising kids. Don’t get upset simply as your sil likes to point out to your daughter she doesn’t need to wear dresses or look pretty. Or stay home and bake biscuits. It’s the truth.

saraclara · 15/12/2023 16:59

there are ways to encourage “feminist” interests without crapping on everything else

Exactly!

SparklesInTheCloud · 15/12/2023 16:59

I wouldn't mind the remarks as such if they didn't interfere with what you are saying to DD. Eg. I think the remark about dating girls is fine but I'd been annoyed about her telling DD that she can stay in her PJs when you had just asked her to change. Otherwise, of course, I agree with what your sil is saying and it's good for your DD to hear it from someone else as well

Nt1993 · 15/12/2023 16:58

@BethDuttonsTwin As a bisexual person who is now 30 - in a heteronormative relationship with another bisexual 31 year old who I met at my workplace - I disagree. I spent my 20s in a large city where people are less hateful and for example at my place of work a large portion of people are queer. I have some friends who don’t talk about it and hide their sexuality because of the worry of hate or judgement. I fooled around with both genders since my teenage years and kept it under strict secret until the past few years as it’s way more accepted and I’m a grown ass woman who can accept the small amount of judgemental people.

The statistic taken was not exclusively attracted to the opposite sex, whereas the amount of gen z who identify as straight was 70% That leaves a 20% gap of people who identify publicly as straight but also do not feel exclusively attracted to the opposite sex. So there is no “agenda” to look unique as you feel. The norm is that a huge portion of the public are not just attracted to one gender or the opposite gender.