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Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
Lala727 · 15/12/2023 17:50

There's also nothing wrong with being called pretty... As long as it's not instead of smart, funny, kind, brave etc. It's OK if anyone likes to feel pretty or stereotypical girly things... Its not some awful thing that anyone should be ashamed of

Gnomegnomegnome · 15/12/2023 17:48

I think that it’s lovely that your dd has two strong women in her life.

ChateauDuMont · 15/12/2023 17:46

I wouldn't have her anywhere near my child. Awful things to say to a young child just to fit her horrible agenda.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 15/12/2023 17:45

If every time your SIL hears you exhort your daughter to 'look pretty' she interjects a reminder that a girl's worth is not based on whether she is considered pretty by society, she would get a standing ovation from me.

OakElmAsh · 15/12/2023 17:43

She may be going a little full-on for a 3 year old, but honestly, girls can't hear enough of these messages, they hear soo much everywhere as they go through life about appearance, looking pretty etc that there can't be enough people harping on about there being more to life than looks, that whoever they choose to love is ok, that there's no such things as "girl" and "boy" hobbies
.
You will not be only influence as she gets older, so Go SIL for already being a voice that will counter the thousands she will hear later on about girls having to be/behave a certain way!!!!

wronginalltherightways · 15/12/2023 17:43

She's 3.

I think your SIL sounds completely over-the-top and perhaps over-invested in sending constant 'PC' statements to a child who's not much more than a toddler.

I would be asking her to tone down the rhetoric.

You will love your daughter no matter who/what she turns out to be/love/do.

Tacotortoise · 15/12/2023 17:42

CityLass · 15/12/2023 17:38

Women marrying men has been the norm for thousands of years 🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

Let me correct that for you: women were married off to men for thousands of years. These days we have options that need not involve marriage, or even men, at all.

MrsAllsorts · 15/12/2023 17:42

Maybe your SIL means well. Maybe part of your issue is that it's not on for her to 'correct you', especially in front of your daughter. Would she like it if she had a daughter and you turned the tables?

Point is, you are the parent, not her. And if she has a problem with you using words like 'pretty', then she should perhaps discuss that with you, not give your daughter contradictory instructions, or witter on at a 3 year old about 'not wanting to impress a man' (point 4). Perhaps counter with "And remember, she's 3 and perfectly okay to copy her mum if she wants, and when she's older she can decide for herself whether she wants to wear makeup or not - as I am sure you do. A 3 year old doesn't need that kind of advice, thank you. "

I mean it's all well and good people telling you to relax, but maybe the SIL should. Your daughter is 3! She is bound to copy her mum, so what?

Again, as for appearances, so what? I for one will state that there were many times I was encouraged to be pretty. Being pretty did not, however, discourage me from climbing trees or playing football by the time I was 7 upwards. I also made mud pies, played conkers to win, and was pretty aggressive in sports. Schools these days, can easily provide outlets for your daughter to explore stuff like that in a non-gender-stereotype way. It's only if you were to stop her from trying out football etc, just because of stereotypes about what girls shouldn't do, that it would feel off to me.

There is nothing wrong with a girl being pretty, nothing at all. I also think there is nothing wrong with me looking pretty for myself, and for my DH, because after all, my DH makes an effort for me, and anyway, I like to put on make up etc now and then.

And for all the harping against girls/women 'being pretty', it would be interesting to see how many of those against it REALLY apply it in their own lives. I don't see Boots giving up the cosmetics departments. I don't see major beauty brands closing shop. Stores are still selling pretty dresses and skirts, mostly to women and girls. I don't see 'pretty' going out of fashion. I don't see why you, I or anyone else should conform to gender stereotypes, but I don't see why we should conform to anyone else's ideas of whether or not I should look pretty, either. Does your SIL ever where makeup? Does she dress up or would she go out looking like a slob because appearance doesn't matter? Despite what she says, do her daily habits, clothes etc, match the convictions she spouts at YOUR daughter. How did she attract your brother? If she is, in fact, a hypocrite, I wouldn't hesitate to point this out to her.

In short, whilst it could be argued you could take her with a pinch of salt, I hardly think it's for her to "correct" you in front of your own daughter. If she has her own daughter, she's free to bring them up as she sees fit. Would she like it if you "correct" her?

Treesinmygarden · 15/12/2023 17:41

I think your SIL is undermining you and overstepping.

I wouldn't like to be constantly corrected by someone no matter what they were saying.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 17:40

CityLass · 15/12/2023 17:36

Nope, our family are traditional in every sense and we would not have anyone near our child who would want to confuse her or put a wedge in our close relationship. Children these days are being continually confused to pander to some nonsense woke ideal and it’s tearing families apart. It’s like a cult. I will never allow anyone to interfere with my right as a mother to impart good, solid, old-fashioned values and morals. Interpret that as you want :-)

Show quote history

Hahahahahah. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wt8Dxpb3b6E

Political Correctness Gone Mad...

Stewart LeeTaken from his DVD "41st Best Stand Up".Available at http://www.stewartlee.co.uk/

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wt8Dxpb3b6E

Cakeandcardio · 15/12/2023 17:40

I'm clearly against the grain but I fully agree with you OP. We don't have to re-inforce feminist ideas at every opportunity in life. It is tedious. I'm not sure how you deal with it though. Sorry that's not very helpful.

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2023 17:39

And we mentioned having boyfriends to my daughter turns out she is gay it made zero difference to the outcome

AnonnyMouseDave · 15/12/2023 17:39

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:21

Never had fake tan or lip filler. I wear make up probably once a week. Every day my daughter chooses her own outfit from a wardrobe that contains her boy cousin's hand me downs, very girly dresses, blues, greens, pinks, trackies, glittery tops etc (subject to her outfit choice being weather appropriate obviously)

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In which case your SIL is saying reasonable things, but I can understand why you would think that the way and amount she does it is very OTT and unnecessary! And annoying!

Tacotortoise · 15/12/2023 17:39

CityLass · 15/12/2023 17:36

Nope, our family are traditional in every sense and we would not have anyone near our child who would want to confuse her or put a wedge in our close relationship. Children these days are being continually confused to pander to some nonsense woke ideal and it’s tearing families apart. It’s like a cult. I will never allow anyone to interfere with my right as a mother to impart good, solid, old-fashioned values and morals. Interpret that as you want :-)

Show quote history

(Wo)man proposes but god disposes Smile

CityLass · 15/12/2023 17:38

Movinghouseatlast · 15/12/2023 17:36

I think what you don't seem to grasp is how these off hand comments about bring pretty, having boyfriends etc mean that these things become the norm for your daughter.

We are all effected by the world around us and if we only hear one point of view that's what we internalise.

Edited

Women marrying men has been the norm for thousands of years 🤦‍♀️

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2023 17:38

I dont see why we have to make a list everytime we consider their future they could be interested in boys girls neither both happily single unhappily single/married a lifelong virgin an unrepentant dog walker it takes too long

Dirty clothes are not empowering

Movinghouseatlast · 15/12/2023 17:36

I think what you don't seem to grasp is how these off hand comments about bring pretty, having boyfriends etc mean that these things become the norm for your daughter.

We are all effected by the world around us and if we only hear one point of view that's what we internalise.

CityLass · 15/12/2023 17:36

CatamaranViper · 15/12/2023 16:36

I don't think there is anything wrong with wearing makeup every day (I do) or dressing your DD in dresses and ribbons, nor should you ever be made to feel like you need to apologise for it etc, but I do think it's important to ensure children know that they do have a choice and it isn't 'bad' to not follow a certain trend or like different things. Maybe the SIL is coming across a bit strong but surely it's not a bad thing to expose them to something different?

Show quote history

Nope, our family are traditional in every sense and we would not have anyone near our child who would want to confuse her or put a wedge in our close relationship. Children these days are being continually confused to pander to some nonsense woke ideal and it’s tearing families apart. It’s like a cult. I will never allow anyone to interfere with my right as a mother to impart good, solid, old-fashioned values and morals. Interpret that as you want :-)

Tacotortoise · 15/12/2023 17:36

I don't understand why wearing clean clothes has to be equated with prettiness. Why does being pretty have to be the end goal rather than looking nice or smart or clean? If your dd is pretty, she'll be pretty in a dirty vest and pj bottoms. Doesn't mean she should go out in them.
People are always yammering about girls being pretty in a way that doesn't happen with boys. It's not good.

Illbebythesea · 15/12/2023 17:34

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong OP, & certainly don’t sound like you’re ‘girly’ to the extreme but SIL is sending a really powerful message to your daughter & I only think it’s a good thing. Your SIL saying she could date a boy or a girl is not going to make her gay. Your SIL saying she could like football instead of baking is not going to make her like football if she just naturally doesn’t. She’s just giving her choice and I think it’s great.

Whatwouldnanado · 15/12/2023 17:32

You sound lovely OP, and SIL sounds like a pain in the arse, chipping in and undermining you when you’re trying to get ready, get everyone sorted. Your daughter sounds great and having a very balanced upbringing. How about considering why SIL bothers you so much? She obviously doesn’t understand what goes on in your family life as you have explained here. I wonder what your husband thinks? Have confidence in yourself. Next time she pitches in just laugh and tell her yes, thanks, good way of thinking, we have that covered and move on.

Wish44 · 15/12/2023 17:31

SIL is rude. She is policing your speech and being critical of your parenting.

stand up to her

crostini · 15/12/2023 17:30

It would piss me off if I was getting my child ready and someone interfered. Especially to tell my child she was ok to wear dirty clothes.

The football comment is a bit weird and forced, I'm assuming your daughter was happily enjoying baking. So would have been a confusing comment for her.

The boyfriend/girlfriend comment is harmless though. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 17:30

itsmylife7 · 15/12/2023 17:25

I totally understand what your sil is doing.

She's letting your girl know she's got a choice and you do need to start it young.

I had to have a word with my son as he was being " helicopter parent " with his girls at the park.
Don't climb that tree etc.
I reminded him he never said that to his boy.... he agreed he was wrong.

Most of us DO, unconsciously, treat young boys and girls different.

Exactly this, so well put

brokenhairclips · 15/12/2023 17:28

These are all things I mention off and on to my now teen daughter. I wouldn't have a problem with it because I agree with what she's saying. I think it's really sweet she's so fond of her niece.