To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

I love what your SIL is saying. What's wrong with not enforcing stereotypes around your dd?

Why isn't it boyfriend or girlfriend?

Why isn't it 'let's get you looking smart / your best' rather than pretty?

Worrying so much about a toddler being a woman only shows how much your SIL is giving power to men. Tell her to have a drink and have a good shag and she might chill out!

@YaWeeFurryBastard

raising children is an incredibly important job!

I consider myself a very strong feminist and I’ve been a SAHM.

This is your piss poor and ill-educated opinion.

I only wish that had been the case when I was growing up. I was a pretty teenager and young woman, I was also bright and witty and I vividly recall being told to tone down my wit and intelligence as "men are not attracted to clever women"!! Brains last, beauty fades

She may be going a little full-on for a 3 year old, but honestly, girls can't hear enough of these messages, they hear soo much everywhere as they go through life about appearance, looking pretty etc that there can't be enough people harping on about there being more to life than looks, that whoever they choose to love is ok, that there's no such things as "girl" and "boy" hobbies
.
You will not be only influence as she gets older, so Go SIL for already being a voice that will counter the thousands she will hear later on about girls having to be/behave a certain way!!!!

I think it’s a good thing to counterbalance your comments about your daughter having to be pretty. Not a good idea to put in a child’s head as there is far too much pressure on girls to look a certain way. This message sink in when they are young.

She needs to keep her neb out, it has nothing to do with her how the OP chooses to bring up her daughter.

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

YANBU. You don’t need to add endless caveats and qualifiers to everything you say to enforce a message she won’t even care about at this age.

Is anything she says actually not true though? What’s to dislike? Other than OP feeling undermined by it - but isn’t that her problem? (or his problem etc).😉

I wouldn't be annoyed by these comments. She's reinforcing some really important messaging in the life of a child she loves. All power to her :)

Wtf are you on about? Nobody is “bashing” SAHM, just pointing out that being a SAHM is not a bastion of feminism and therefore it’s good to have another feminist influence. Also nobody is ear bashing about men, you’ve literally made that up.

But you said it to your son

Not his child