The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

She sounds like my mil, and you sound like me. I was anxious with a newborn too and I don't apologise for it. My mil delighted in making me feel shit.

🔮 I see it now - Title…
’ DH says I hindered his and the children’s relationship with his mother . Is he being unreasonable 🤦🏾‍♀️’.

I think most of this sounds unreasonable and unnecessarily combative. Maybe that’s because you’ve left a lot out, but I can’t see the problem with any of what you’ve written, except the kissing on the face.

I can understand your feelings OP, because my FIL is a prick, and I hate the idea of my tiny precious darling being cuddled by him.

(Long story short - he often says rude things to me, MIL is lovely and very on top of this and immediately tells him off before I even have a chance to and apologises to me, BIL has done the same, so it's not just me being awkward. And this is the tip of the iceberg....don't understand how MIL puts up with it, she's lovely.)

Its hard balancing a relationship with people you love who will add value to a baby, with people who frankly will teach the child nothing but how to deal with rudeness.

The last two visits he's had a cold, so I've encouraged my baby to feed past his limit to keep him away!

I understand irrational fear and anger, so it doesn't really matter why you feel what you feel. You feel it, it won't go away, and you will be extra hormonal post-birth so it's only going to get worse.

I would be managing this scenario now to avoid it. Which starts with getting your husband to understand that yes, you are hormonal, but it's still a problem.

If you don't want someone kissing your baby, then that's a boundary that needs enforcing, regardless of what anyone else thinks. If you don't want someone else holding your baby for extended periods - again, your boundary.

So think about what you're going to say to prevent each, align with your husband, practice it, get ready.

You can't stop her going to a city before she visits. Console yourself with incubation periods - it'll be a week before she's symptomatic and germing over your baby, you'll see it coming.

I don't think this is fair. This is how you end up with women who think the world revolves around them because they can reproduce 😄Honestly, I never understand the MN mantra that a man "owes" his partner for carrying his baby, as though she's doing him a favour. Women generally have children because THEY want to, not as a favour to their partners.

I'm guessing they have their travel and hotel booked...so could you "hang on" for another fortnight?! :o))

The busy city thing is a bit crazy. But your husband should support you where needed.

What do you mean by the pregnancy is high risk? Usually that term relates to labour/birth risks not health issues with the baby itself

And sorry but this also speaks to you having anxiety or OCD - many many babies live in busy cities and have parents going on train journeys every day.

I think YANBU. She sounds rude, and happy to disregard your feelings/requests. But remember that it's you who's in charge here, not her. Why are you doing stuff for her? You will be recuperating from the birth. Sit down and let other people cook/tidy up etc for you. Could you put the visit off for a bit?

while she has me doing everything for her.

What do you mean? She asks you for a cup of tea you say "no, I've just given birth, DH will make you one though".

just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up.

I think this is slightly ridiculous. Plenty of babies will have fathers who go off to busy cities for work when they're very little and they're all fine.

You're being a bit unreasonable. She's a grandmother, excited and loving towards her grandkids. That's wonderful.

Why would you be doing everything for her? Just don't as that causes resentment too.

You have a choice to be either angry and nasty, or just be a decent human being with boundaries.

As much as this is probably not helpful to you, remember your baby is also your husbands baby. Could you imagine if your husband didn't want your mum to hold the baby? Yea you are being unreasonable.

set boundaries, such as no kissing on face and washing hands when they come in but everything else you are going to need to suck up I would say.

Posts like this make me sad. Be thankful that your baby will have family who want to see and spend time with them.

It rather depends on what factors are causing your current pregnancy to be deemed high-risk, especially as the whole point of this visit is to see the baby, by which time you will no longer be pregnant.

This ! Goodness me calm down a bit. Yes she may be difficult but you are not helping matters. At least she is making an effort to visit. Find a way through this. And don't call yourself mama bear.

You can't avoid her as she's your dhs mother and it would be horrible for him to have to choose a side..you have to be cordial.Let her hold the baby, hopefully dh will be home too, try to call a friend if things feel heightened, ask her to cook for you so she feels helpful or she can look after the toddler.

Clearly you and MIL are so alike that you clash.

Both mama bears? 🤢

This will be you and your DIL one day OP!

She is only coming for two weeks and lives 8 hours away !! It is not like she lives next door !!
As regards the kissing - ask everyone to wash their hands before handling the baby.
Babies are generally more at risk from under 5's than they are from adults as regards things like respiratory viruses.
Obviously don't let her kiss the baby if she has a cold or has stomach upset etc.
Unless your baby is pre term or low birth weight then obviously he should be handled by the least number of people possible and certainly not kissing! try not to overthink the risk of baby catching something.

Mama bear 🤢

That poor, poor baby....

My DM is the one who is obsessed with babies. Did the same thing. Got into a fight with hospital staff when he was born because she didn't think visiting hours should apply to her, moaned about my breastfeeding because she couldn't feed him etc etc. My MIL couldn't be more disinterested in babies. Now they are older, my DM is far more affectionate and loving than my MIL, who has no idea how to talk or relate to children!
As an aside, and as your IL's are travelling 8 hours to see you, are they coming from India/ related area? Is it a cultural thing? Your MIL sounds like my mother. She loathed her MIL ( my GM- she was quite unpleasant to be fair to her), it just seems strange to dislike someone so much who lives so far away!

Have you emailed ahead to make sure the hospital staff don't travel to work via the city for the birth? Read your own words back op and try and see some points are quite daft... Added it isn't your pfb and things def are different with your second dc ime.. Unless mil gets cold sores why is kissing not allowed? Do people really kiss babies on the lips anyway?

YANBU. All these people saying it's fine to kiss a newborn are the same people constantly complaining that their child is sick but they "don't know why". I had the same no kissing the face rule as well as no shoes inside, washing hands immediately when coming into my home, and I had a clean tshirt you put on over your clothes before you held the baby. It may sound extreme to some, but DS is now 4 with only two bouts of illness to speak of in his whole life, so being over-cautious about hygiene does pay off. Obviously once the baby is older you can start to slack a bit and change approaches but now IS the proper time to be over-cautious. I wouldn't allow anyone to visit that early after birth in the first place, it's a time for you and dh to adjust and bond with dc. Yes everyone is excited to see the new baby, but to hell with that they can wait a few weeks

Sorry - meant to add definitely say no to the staying for 2 weeks that's just too much. After my second I asked my own parents to go after 3 days as they were driving me bonkers!