The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

To be clear- I wont be offering to make anyone food or drinks when they are staying with us! Just don’t do it or your husband can. But do your in laws actually feel comfortable making their own cups of tea? My mum and in laws both help themselves to food and drinks when here and I don’t wait on any of them but means I do have to share my fridge and kettle. Really glad my mum divorced her husband who would come round and ask what’s for dinner 👿

My parent is flying in from overseas for 2 weeks and I hope she is a ‘baby hog’ honestly. I’m due the same time as you and you are just as likely to pick up germs from the shops or them traveling via train and having a 3yr old makes it extra likely. Stand strong on no kissing baby but otherwise you are being unreasonable. My in laws will be flying in for a week and staying in my home. Having guests at a hotel sounds lovely as you can get them to leave once you’re tired!

If the paternal grandparents are pushed out of the picture, it is the baby who will lose out.
Not to mention "papa bear' 🤢, unable to share his DC with family or get support from them. Your baby is 50% him.

Just remember you’ll be the MIL one day. Consider how you’d feel if your son’s wife reacts like you do, and try to relax a bit.

My best friend was totally weird about people holding her first baby, out of character weird. She was much happier to let family or friends entertain both children once the second one came along, and admits she feels really silly about it now.

I can relate, I had similar thoughts regarding my difficult MIL when my now one year old was born. We are now no contact as she just got worse and fortunately my DH backed us up.
I remember the awful feeling of having to try and balance my protective instincts and respect that my DH would want his mum involved.
I do think a no kissing rule is acceptable though and quite normal

I don’t think you did, but that’s by the by. I don’t think she’s doing anything bad but if you’re worried get DH on board so he can be the ‘bad guy’ and ask his mum not to kiss baby on face or take her out of the room. And if she or anyone asks for a cup of tea or anything else, DH should step in and say ‘help yourself’ or he should make it for them.

And ‘mama bear’ has more negative connotations than positive ones, it brings to mind those mums who never think they or their dc are ever in the wrong. MIL likely won’t see her grand baby for months after the visit so if she’s a bit of a ‘baby hog’ then what’s the harm?

Surely the issue is what is important to the baby? If the paternal grandparents are pushed out of the picture, it is the baby who will lose out. My DH's sister's in-laws fell out with her in a big way and now have nothing to do with the children, and I feel so sorry for them not having loving grandparents on both sides of the family.

I absolutely agree on the no kissing the baby and can’t believe that people think this is ok. My midwife and health visitor mentioned this and posters in hospital too about how dangerous it is and can pass on rsv which can and does kill babies.

The other things, sometimes we can get stuck in our heads and overthink and imagine a situation that hasn’t happened yet and I’d say enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby and put this to the back of your mind for now. Maybe she is a nightmare,
maybe you are but spending weeks worrying about how 2 weeks may or may not be terrible is a waste of energy and putting you in a negative headspace. Think of the nice things, like extra people around to help the 3 year old not feel left out at a difficult time for him. Also this is one of the few times if there are plans being made with the in laws you don’t want to go to you can just say sorry the baby isn’t themself today and we’re staying home. Don’t see anything wrong with that at all

You right about kissing hands or face. I’d stick firmly to my guns on that one as it’s about keeping your baby safe.

I think if you and DH could calmly and logically decide on a few clear boundaries for any visitors including MIL, you wouldn’t feel so anxious and angry, as long as he has your back and communicates clearly with his family.
It really frustrates me when people saythey ‘have to’ do things for others after giving birth as noone can physically force you to let go of your baby and be sent to the kitchen. You choose how you respond to people, how you run your home with DH, how you manage your feelings. Get in before she does with clear communication. Make her feel valued and welcomed and give her things todo thathelp but do not let her take over the baby. It is such a precious parental bonding time, your feelings are of utmost importance.
Germs: share nhs advice with them, make sure easyfor everyone to washhands each time handle baby and have no kissing rule until older. Grandparents should be caring about the whole family and giving support not so egocentric and focussed on fulfilling their own needs, though everyone loves a baby cuddle of course. (I am GP generation not yours OP)

OK practical advice of what I think you can do to make life easier
Set some boundary rules - agree them with your husband and expect him to help enforce them (politely)

Things like,

no visitors before...
no visitors between...
no visitors after...
no more than x hours at once
no more than x hours in a day
wash your hands before holding the baby
change your clothes before coming to visit baby if you've been out in the city first
don't visit if you're feeling unwell at all
If mum is too tired all visitors go home, no argument or debate.

agree them with family before they set off

Also make more general rules, 3 to 5 at most think through and discuss the wording things like

Thoughtful visitors bring more food and drink than they consume
Thoughtful visitors leave less work to be done than there was when they arrived
Thoughtful visitors do not give unsolicited advice, or critique the parenting style or decisions of new mums...

Print them out with a big message of " thoughtful visitors are very welcome..."

Well I would have thought that it was abundantly clear what it means!

Just as important to who?
Just as important to the baby/in the baby's life. Obviously.
One side of the family does not take precedence over the other side.

Why isn’t your husband doing the running around after you and any visitors? He hasn’t given birth!

Do not get up to do any tea and coffee making or do any planning or executing of meals. That is your husband’s job. I assume he’s on paternity leave. When you are tired or have had enough just take yourself and baby upstairs. If she says to leave the baby downstairs just say no, he’s newborn and needs to be with his mother and walk off. They are in your home, they aren’t the boss. Warn your DH that if he isn’t vigilant as to her overstepping there is a risk you’ll tell her fuck off and you assume that wouldn’t be convenient.

I’m quite shocked at the responses you’ve got.

No, you’re not unreasonable to try and protect your baby from germs and being taken away from everyone else and hogged by your MIL. It sounds like you are aware of these things so I don’t believe you would turn out like this to your future DIL!

Given you’ve said she made you do everything when you had your son understandably puts you on edge for this new baby and you’re worried about history repeating itself.

Stand your ground as much as you can, speak with your DH and explain your concerns and back it up with facts about the herpes virus and other nasties if babies are kissed on the face. It’s not being dramatic, it’s true. Also, has Covid taught people nothing? Personal space etc should be at the front of everyone’s mind.

I dont think she's living with them for 2 weeks- she's in a hotel!

Set some clear boundaries, ask for a compromise of 1 week instead of 2. 2 weeks is a long time and I would leave that with your DH to negotiate with them. Tell him you’re happy for 1, 2 is too long and put your foot down - it’s your home too. That’s probably why you’re feeling so annoyed about everything because it sounds like a) your DH doesn’t have your back and b) your boundaries aren’t being listened to. Work out options that give you some space and you time with your new baby (ie - take them upstairs to your bedroom where she won’t follow for feeds or to rest). Have a think about how you’ll deal with each scenario that might crop up so you don’t feel like everything is sprung on you. If you are worried about germs, get the hand sanitizer out and get your DH to make a point of asking them to use it. They are his family; get him to have the awkward conversations and keep your interaction with them as light as possible.

I recently had my MIL stay with me for 4 weeks following a surgery for a cancer diagnosis, I’d just had my baby and he was 8 weeks old. I would have been totally lost without her. Did she annoy me sometimes? Yes. were there some thoughtless comments? Yes..but she also meant well, was trying really hard & left her own home for almost a whole month to support me and her son.. there were actually moments (shock horror) where DIL and MIL had a really good laugh and learnt a lot about eachother we hadn’t known about before. I guess my point is, it’s not a long period of your life, they live quite far away…it’s not like she’s in your back pocket round the corner and before you know it you’ll be alone again with your little family.. try and make it nice for your husband as it’s his baby too. Things like this can build resentment..maybe not now but they have a tendency to come out later on and you “shaking with anger” at the thought of his mum holding his new baby isn’t something that’s likely to be forgotten or thought kindly of.

This advice must be some kind of joke.

hi OP, I haven't rtft but just in case you're still reading, have a hug.

loads of us (including myself at times) get hormonal rage and loads of us have trauma after covid.

i guess your first was a total lockdown baby and that must have been hard (my younger ds is almost 3 so it was 2nd lockdown wave but still rough!)

you're allowed to feel your feelings. your mental health is really important. DH should have your back.

one option is to lean in to how you feel, really honour your bond with baby and your rules, and make a nuclear-family-only bubble for the first few weeks and have zero visitors, zero germs (i hope!) and just a lovely extended stress-free early baby time.

tell her you'll be in touch when you're ready for baby to meet people but expect baby to be at leat a month old before meeting anyone outside the household.

this would be really valid. i have a few friends who've done this and it's your baby, your rules, your call.

personally i didn't do this, i wanted to show my babies off when they arrived and when we could we had visitors early. but like with everything, there's a million different 'right ways' to be. you do you.

MIL will have plenty of time to meet the baby when you're feeling calm and comfortable and securely bonded.

@livelovelasagne maybe not but someone you come into contact with will. In all honesty if you’re that paranoid it sounds like you need some help, I’d be seriously worried if I knew someone with this level of paranoia.

@livelovelasagne
firstly, I’m sorry you’ve had some responses calling you dramatic, hard work and telling you to grit your teeth. This is neither true nor helpful. A new mother shouldn’t have to grit her teeth through the distress of having someone hold their newborn child. Let’s be totally honest here, babies being passed around for hugs is totally for the benefit of the adults receiving the cuddle time. It in no way benefits the mother or baby and giving that gift to another adult should be your choice and something you feel comfortable with rather than it being an expectation. The baby won’t remember but the mother will.

Your feelings, including those which might be a result of hormones, are valid and real. The most important thing right now and when baby arrives is that you are supported and have your boundaries respected. Happy mum, happy baby. Whilst many families do find it normal to pass the baby around and kiss them on the face, this is in fact cultural and social and not a hard and fast rule. Ultimately, the baby is yours and you need time to get to know one another and recover from the hard work that is child birth. My MIL is similar, I’ve worked hard to correct her and maintain my boundaries whenever she makes a comment such as ‘I can’t wait to kiss baby on the face’. It is in fact not recommended for infants to be kissed on the face especially in cold and flu season and you don’t need to risk your babies health for a full grown adults feelings. Wishing you lots of luck.

It really annoys me when people trot this out. Just as important to who? My MIL is nowhere near the same level of importance as my own mother, because she’s not my mother. I don’t know why people expect this, feels like another stick to beat women with - if you’re not feeling as ‘important’ as the mother’s mother, take it up with your son.

https//<a class="break-all" href="http://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns/

I think you are using the term 'mama bear' to give your actions/feelings a label and therefore trying to legitimise them, rather than exploring why you are so over protective and how you might moderate that with your next child.