The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

Yanbu to being annoyed at MIL for her antagonistic comments and her disrespecting your wishes.
I wonder if many of commenters here are MILs?!? She sounds awful. You come across a bit unforgiving but maybe with good reason/had enough etc - will give you benefit of doubt.
I love my MIL but if she made stupid thoughtless comments and hogged baby and did things I’d asked her not to do (intentionally or not) I’d be pissed off too. Most things do not have a black and white ruling (eg kissing baby) but it’s your wishes and opinions that hold the most weight in this tough post partum time (barring anything immediately harmful)
Husband needs to get on board with you and your feelings to have your back and tell her off when she oversteps boundaries. MIL won’t like it but tough luck. Tell him to grow a pair as you’re likely to have decades more of this otherwise.
Recommend letting smaller / one off comments slide, but if repeated offences (actions or words), it’s husband’s job to keep her in check.
Good luck and all the best with baby :)

anything your mil has done or does is a separate issue

your rules alone suggest to me you need support

its not normal or healthy. if you don’t address your level of control, anxiety etc it may be something school picks up on.

If i knew a parent with such strict control i’d be worried about their mental health state

OP sounds ridiculous enough without all this nonsense you're suggesting

You are absolutely deranged.

I understand you are probably hormonal but you also sound over anxious, newborns are very resilient as they have their mothers antibodies especially if you breast feed. It's impossible to protect then from all germs.
When I met my GC for the first time I had travelled from another country travelling through busy train stations and underground stations and so had their other set of grandparents. My DD and SiL wouldn't have dreamt of saying we couldn't see them. They were fine.

Lost me at 'Mama Bear'.

I think all mums are “mama bears” without feeling the need to become so unreasonable and overbearing. Fair enough not to like your MIL but you sound controlling I’m afraid to say.

this is great advice.

my sil can be a bit crazy cuckoo over germs etc and it multiplied by a billion once she had her daughter. Yes we thought she was bat shit crazy, but we did as we were asked as it’s her daughter and she has the right to protect her how she sees fit.

I think you have to shake a lot of the little comments off to mostly keep the peace, but put your foot down about things that really matter, for example no kissing the baby when they're newborn. I suppose my advice is pick your battles essentially! And ask your DH to support you on the things that you really don't want from MIL too.

Fwiw nobody could hog my baby because I breastfed and he wanted feeding all the time as a baby, and would cry to get back to me when others held him as he just wanted my breasts.

I have s feeling that when your children grow up and have partners they might be complaining about their mother in law.

I would take a deep breath, take a step back and write a list of ‘essential rules’ which are dealbreakers eg no kissing. And on a separate ‘desirable’ list, write your less rational worries eg family meeting up in a city the day before. And then go through the second list with your husband and negotiate a more flexible plan.

Don’t go in all guns blazing. Count to ten before you speak so you can be more calmly assertive. With mil and others.

Explain to your husband why you feel the way you do and try and empathise with at least one of his points. Some give and take helps defuse situations.

Definitely schedule two days at least when you are having other visitors and cannot see them. Whether you do actually have the visitors or not is irrelevant.

Do you trust your son with them? Could you ask them to take him to the cinema or theatre one day?

Buy a nice calendar and cross off each day of their visit at a time. Like a prison sentence ;-)

As soon as someone refers to themselves as Mama Bear I know she's going to be trouble!

Why not treat your MIL exactly how you would like your son's future wife to treat you?

Agreed!

Wow OP, you're getting such a hard time here

YANBU. Your MIL's past behaviour has created this issue so you need to tell your DH to get onside and set some boundaries. 2 weeks is way too long. I would not have been up to entertaining ILs with a newborn every day for 2 weeks. So even if the 2 week stay can't be changed, set the boundary that they cannot visit every day. And then set boundaries for the amount of time they can stay for.

Under no circumstances are you to be running around entertaining them, you will be recovering from birth. DH can make them tea or they can bloody get up off their lazy arses and make tea themselves.

Also, don't let her hog the baby. You have to be very firm here. And no kissing on baby's face - that's basic newborn advice. It's RSV season so especially at this time of year, no kissing unless you are the main caregiver and that includes kissing baby's hands since a baby then will stick their hands in their mouth. Good luck, I think you'll need it. Firm boundaries are a must if you are to endure this 2 week visit.

Guessing your DH is still working tho? I have the same due date as you and my husband brought the flu home last week! We have all been really unwell. Germs are everywhere this time of year unfortunately.

On Mumsnet, "mummy's boy" usually means a man who actually likes his mother.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
well said

I think your getting slated here OP.

Ok I do think your hormones are running wild. I get it, if you don't like each other anyway that's going to set the tone regarding your kids.

But I think you need to try and relax a little. Sounds like they live far away so you don't see them all the time.

Maybe suggest a shorter visit and then you visit then for a short visit later too.

Be kind to yourself. But also, without trying to sound like a bitch, calling yourself a mama bear and your son a mummy's boy is a bit silly. As in that case your son will be a mummy's boy and your mil is also a mama bear.

I'm going to say that's the hormones though.

Make it a shorter visit. Prefably after your milk comes in, as that's a hormonal roller coaster!

Jeez, yes, it’s a baby, No need for us this fuss 🙄

@livelovelasagne

so it’s ok for you to be a complete “ mama bear”
over your son but not ok for your husband to be a “mummy’s boy”?! Is that not a bit hypocritical? How would you feel if one day some woman called your son a “mummy’s boy”?

Educate yourself: https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/THANKS-Poster.pdf

This would make most people not want to visit at all. It comes across so rude! Asking people to wash hands and not kiss baby is fine, setting visiting hours is fine. Being passive aggressive and making a print out of ‘thoughtful guests do’ makes you look like an ass when family are visiting you. Good grief.

You sound like hard work. Your baby will meet a lot of people. Lighten up.

wow. you sound like hard work.
the amount of people on here who have absolutely no one in their lives and their kids don't have grandparents anymore.
thank your lucky stars your kids have family who love them and want to see them.
you are defo hormonal but unreasonably so.
having a rage on due to your mil holding your baby is not normal. the fear of germs is extreme. all you have to say is wash your hands. sure u won't even need to say it.
i agree with you about the kissing on the face, i don't like that either.

Certainly wouldn't have them around in the first few weeks - you need your space.
Fuss needs to be made over the 3yo and less so the baby to ensure he doesn't feel left out.