The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

Mama bear 🤮

You sound really difficult. I simply can’t imagine even thinking about not wanting my mother in law to hold her grandchild. How upsetting that must be.

I hated having someone hold my newborn and walk off out of my sight. I stayed at MIL for recovery from C-section and baby would be taken away upstairs without me, and I wasn't physically able to go upstairs. It was a terrible feeling, plus I was breastfeeding on demand, I wanted baby with me always in those first two weeks. I got my partner to intervene, and ended up leaving MIL, hobbling to the car. But you won't have that option. Your husband is going to have to be very well briefed on what your boundaries are.

This is a new rule. I have had three babies and hundreds of people who have babies around me and it's only been in the last maybe 8 years this has been a thing. As for Mama Bear that sounds like some bollocks you get on Instagram.

Will your mil expect to just sit holding the baby all day? Will they be round all day? If so, I’d definitely set hours they can come, it would drive me nuts without hormones/a baby in the mix. I really think you need a major chat with your dh before they arrive. Are your family near enough for you to slope off with the baby for a bit of peace?

It’s pretty shortsighted that you describe yourself as ‘very much a mama bear’ (ugh) over your own son while calling your DH a ‘total mummy’s boy’.

Basically this.

This is not fair, I'm sure OP won't inflict herself on her DIL (who has just given birth) for 2 whole weeks, whilst questioning her parenting and making snide comments.
I have sons, I wouldn't dream of doing so. I also completely understand why a woman who has just given birth and is very vulnerable, would want her own mother there but not her MIL.
When my lads become fathers, I have vowed not to be that person.

Sorry if you’ve been quoted thirty times before I carry on reading the thread. But this is wrong, it is current advice for not immediate (mum/dad/siblings) to not kiss the babies hands or face to protect them from the cold sore virus which in new borns can be devastating. Also having people come and stay for 2 weeks is far different to people popping in for 30mins. 30mins means a low viral load of someone ill, 2 weeks and baby gets what they get. In winter that’s not ideal and the OP is fine to have the no kissing rule.

Surely if your future daughter in law asked you not to kiss her newborn baby to avoid it getting ill you'd listen? Not be so confrontational that you then start talking specifically about how you're going to disregard that simple boundary and do it anyway.

I've never yet seen a DIL hate a MIL without good reason. I see plenty who get on well, and plenty of MILs who can't handle another woman who isn't their daughter having a more "central" role in the family and spend their time being being subtly or not so subtly bitchy at every opportunity.

Yeah you sound completely unreasonable, needlessly hostile and dramatic tbh. She might be a pain in the arse (or she might not) but she’s your kids’ grandmother and that’s life. Also gaslighting doesn’t just mean doing anything that annoys you. It’s pretty shortsighted that you describe yourself as ‘very much a mama bear’ (ugh) over your own son while calling your DH a ‘total mummy’s boy’.

Absolutely this ⤴️

Have you any idea how difficult you doing? And hypocritical....mama bear, FFS!

No! Surely they live a solitary life?

Perhaps the hospital staff will also be "going through train stations and walking through a very busy city" before they meet your baby.

2 weeks. Good Lord. You are a bloody saint to even consider this. Your relationship with your DC is the most important thing, don't let anything come between you and forming a bond with your new baby. YABU for using the term "Mama bear" but I'll forgive you.

@enchantedsquirrelwood completely agree with you.

When I have just given birth, I want my own mum there (after not during), not my mother in law.

No kissing rule stuck with, my baby was very sick in hospital after a reaction to the cold sore virus but everything else seems OTT. My DH and I live in a busy city, should I have banned him from touching his newborn

If you are having your baby in hospital there will be more germs there than on your MIL.

My mother once said to me until you give birth you will never truly understand the feelings a mother has for her child. When I gave birth she said until you have a grandchild you will never truly understand the love a grandmother has for her childs child, be it a daughters child or a sons child. It's difficult for a mother to accept a grandmother loves her grandchildren as much as she loves her own. It's not always the case but there again it's not always the case a mother has a motherly instinct either. In the majority of cases I feel my mother was correct. Mothers can deny the grandparent grandchild special bond but by doing this they're denying the child a beautiful life experience. The maternal and paternal grandparents should be given the same consideration. The feelings for their children's children are the same.

What are you on about?? It's incredibly normal to have a no-kissing-the-baby rule. Who even kisses a baby that isn't theirs, whether they're a grandparent or not?

No, I think mums of sons just need to accept that their DIL wants her own mum when she gives birth.

It is obviously different as the baby grows but in the early weeks, mum's mum definitely gets priority.

(assuming that you get on with your own mum of course)

Not RTFT as it's too long but I do have some sympathy.
My MIL is an infuriating, patronising know it all who has driven me close to physical violence on numerous occasions over the years. However, she is also my DH's mother and my children's grandmother and they have relationships with her that are separate to me so I have to deal with it.
I actually discussed this with a counsellor years ago and the message was very strongly that I can't control her actions, only how I respond to them, and that trying to make her change into someone that I like - or at least whose behaviour I can tolerate - is likely to harm me more than her. There are some non negotiables of course, such as my MIL "doesn't believe in car seats", but there's other stuff that I have just learned to let go as it's irritating but not dangerous and given that my ILs live quite a long way away doesn't happen very often.
I would suggest you identify your non negotiables and get your DH on the same page and practice saying "Uh huh" a lot to other stuff. I regularly say "Hmm, thanks I will bear it in mind. More tea?" when I have zero intention of ever following most of my MIL's advice but it keeps the peace. It is very difficult to argue with someone who doesn't take the bait and over the years we have developed a state of kind of armed neutrality. We don't like each other and never will, but I have the moral high ground as I never try to pick fights with her or rise to her (now less frequent) goading. She doesn't get the drama she seeks so bothers less and things are generally more peaceful.
I made a conscious effort never to bad mouth her to my children or to interfere with their relationships. But they are not stupid and came to see her true colours as they grew up. My eldest DC who is an adult hasn't seen her for over 5 years and the younger two who are teens say "Uh huh" a lot too.
In my experience, I'd say be the bigger person and rise above it all, and it will pay off in the long term.

newborns are very resilient as they have their mothers antibodies especially if you breast feed. It's impossible to protect then from all germs

I was going to say the same. When I gave birth to ds DH had an awful cold and the midwife said not to worry about it for the reasons above. And she was right.

Not to their daughter in laws, usually.

I kinda get what you mean cuz I don’t see eye to eye with my mil. I’m due next month, and I know I’m being unreasonable and will have to just bite my tongue while mil gets time with baby. But at the same time I need to respect that it is mil’s grandchild so she gets to hold baby.

Presumably it's your husbands child as well?
Does he not get a say in what happens with your child?

TBH, wrapping it up in cotton wool isn't going to help it build immunity to anything.

I expect there is a good chance sone of the posters are MILs, but that doesn't make them wrong and the OP right!

Will she become instantly wrong and the "mama bear" label turn her not interfering bitch once she becomes a MIL?