The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

Actually when the baby is so newborn I don’t think you should feel obliged to hand them over. The mother baby dyad is so important, especially in the early weeks. I absolutely hated other people holding my newborn, I sometimes felt the need to wash their scent off my baby once they’d gone, and would do things differently a second time round.

No kissing is a totally normal rule to set, and frankly anyone who blatantly disregarded this wouldn’t be trusted to hold my baby. Do you think she will, or is she just saying so to wind you up?

If anything happens that you don’t like, speak up. I told my in-laws I wanted my baby in sight, I’m certain they would have broken rules we had set like no kissing if they couldn’t be seen.

Just cancel
Say you all have Covid or a really nasty bug that's going around
Life is too short

agree with this! I understand you so well OP, been in the same boat and felt the same way for the birth of my second, after feeling like postpartum with first baby was overshadowed by MILs behaviour. Set boundaries and give her a task : no one kisses the baby (maybe it’s easier if you let a heath worker set the boundaries so that they’re not directed at MIL but are broader?) and task her with keeping toddler loved and spoiled while YOU focus on the baby. DH needs to step up and back you to avoid resentment, but try not to make him feel stuck between his wife and mum which is unfair.

No one has reason to take baby away from your sight, f that, but of course people can be allowed to have a cuddle. Good luck!

You both sound quite difficult. You both need to step back and see it all from the other side. Dont let anxiety overshadow this very precious time.

I am totally in your boat OP!
Hormones are underrated, ESPECIALLY after birth. You do what feels comfortable. If you choose to keep your newborn close then so be it, and if you chose the opposite then so be it.
You have reasons. People hogged my 1st baby for hours and my blood was boiling, but i thought id be nice and let them hold her. 2nd time round, nope, i stood by my feelings and it was the right decision.
If you do let people hold baby, and want them back, just take baby back/out of their arms amd say you nees to feed them soon or whatever 🥰

This really isn’t the thread for the support you were looking for. No kissing the baby is a common rule now but here in AIBU it seems to be full of people from the same time/attitude as your MIL. What baffles me is that so many MILs think they can jibe away at and disrespect the mother of their grandchild but then think they’re entitled to do whatever they like with said child.

Is it an 'age-old adage'? Really? Funny, because I thought it was the same entitled bratty stuff that people have only really started spouting and validating in the last few years. You could probably get it printed on a cushion. You may have forgotten to add the 'hon' at the end, though.

No. What is 'age-old' is that we don't have our babies into a vacuum. Unless we're very lucky we have family, and friends, and those people ought to be important people in our babies' lives, not constrained by control-freaky rules. Babies are for loving! It's natural for grandparents to be excited by new babies! Their arms and legs don't drop off if anyone other than a parent holds them!

God people are WIERD nowadays.

OP, you sound really hard work (but I'm sure you're also very hormonal and overwrought). In most cultures on this planet, it's considered absolutely bloody NORMAL for close relatives to love up a new baby! Why on earth would you not want your parents and parents in law to hold your baby, give it kisses, etc? This seems really uptight and strange to me. And sad. A new baby in the family is an occasion for celebration and love, not having No Touching rules snapped at you.

As for 'picking up germs' en route - do get over yourself! 😂Do you really think it's possible (let alone desirable) to keep a baby in a sterile bubble? How far would you carry that? If you'd been out to the shops and it was busy, would you change your clothes before picking up your baby, or do the cooties only stick to relatives you dislike?

I actually don't get on with my PIL that much, and I knew I'd feel a bit possessive of my new babies when my PIL came to see them (not me!). But they are their grandchildren and they were so excited. Not to let them hold the baby or give it a kiss would have been cruelty and really fucking odd.

I hope this is a joke or did I just travel back in time to the dark ages?!

Her husband might allow kissing, afterall he is the head of the family. His family, his rules.

Midwife here; the no kissing the baby’s face is actually advice we give new mums due to RSV that can be extremely serious in newborns (leading to hospitalisation).

https://www.netmums.com/baby/stop-kissing-babies-and-tots--mums-warning-over-common-childhood-illness

maybe share this info with your mil and dh and they may understand why you need to place a boundary?

You are unreasonable for sure. BSC unreasonable.

Don’t be selfish and, put yourself in mil’s shoes. And, you have the power to create a happy place for your family, including in-laws, or a hostile environment. I would choose happy. If mil does or says something that you really don’t like, nicely let her know. Don’t hold it in and build resentment.

You sound completely nuts!!

Sounds like your mother in law wouldn’t be able to win whatever she did…

Your feelings are real and you need to work out where they are coming from. Your MIL is possibly annoying but you are also clearly projecting a whole lot of negative feelings and anxieties on to her which she does not deserve. I didn’t have the easiest relationship with my MIL so am sensitive to this stuff but I’m afraid you lost me at ‘very much a mama bear’. You are part of the problem here and once you realise that and figure out what your negative feelings and anxiety about (instead of dumping them all on your MIL as an easy target) you’ll probably feel less awful.

People saying that the OPs rules should be followed - what about the dad’s wishes here? He probably wants his mum to feel included and not have to face hostility, because I sense whatever the MIL does when she comes, that it’s always going to be wrong or inappropriate in OPs eyes. Op can’t disregard what her husband also wants here.

Nothing you have said sounds unreasonable.

Sorry I am late to the thread - you aren't being unreasonable and newborns are genuinely a great unknown when it comes to what they can and cannot withstand with germs etc, so you are right to build your boundaries as you see fit.

I have a recurring struggle with my DH in regards to how he can sometimes be very passive/ignorant to how his MIL behaves compared to how I feel about her.
You aren't wrong to feel the way you do, we are entitled to our feelings. Best advice I can give is to give yourself grace, and not lose sight of who you are and what you want your family to be.
Your MIL had her turn, now it's yours and first and foremost this is your baby.
You're doing awesome, I'm just sorry you have these feelings to combat because I know they can suck a lot of energy you wish they wouldn't from you.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel

It actually is very normal to have a "no kissing the baby" rule. Have you ever heard the age old adage "My Baby. My Rules"

If OP's MIL doesn't like it. She can stick it up her backside

OP. My love. This is your baby, your MIL has her own baby, she can kiss and cuddle your DH. YANBU

A lady who has just had her 2nd baby, she didn't know how her 1st DD would get on with 2nd DD, when they talked about the baby, DD 1 wasn't happy and would say no.
So her mum, set the rule after giving birth, it would just be, her, her husband and the kids for the first day, to give her daughter time to adjust to the baby, before any other family got to see the baby.
Then maybe set time limits, such as they can only come around for a couple of hours a day, you will adjusting to 2 children, so don't need to worry about pandering to her needs. (just don't tell her that bit)
But I think you need some help about, people bringing germs in, some germs are good and help to build the immune system. When your eldest goes to nursery or pre-school they will pick up germs and fetch them back home.

You sound high maintenance. Visiting or being in a city is normal not something to fear, it’s normal to kiss babies… have you had anxiety post covid? Maybe you just don’t like her and that’s allowed but you don’t sound that rational.

You are being bratty and UR. You do not like her, it’s clear but she’s your dh mum, have some respect. Unless she’s abusing you, in which case, direct your dh to deal with the issue.

Deep breaths... Just keep reminding yourself that you are your baby's mother, nobody can replace you as their mother. Doesn't matter how many snidy comments are made or how long people hold your baby, you are still mum!

It's quite clear she never meant that others don't care about their children! Mama Bear is a very over protective mother, unlike others like myself who have a more relaxed approach.

Immature, honestly 🙄