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Original poster

The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

365 replies

livelovelasagne · 12/12/2023 13:30

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

OP posts:
H34th · 12/12/2023 13:45

I read that from the POV of a mother of a son.
You hope they'll meet their partner in life, but OMG, what if their partner hates your guts for no good reason...

GreenWheat · 12/12/2023 13:44

MiddleParking · 12/12/2023 13:36

Yeah you sound completely unreasonable, needlessly hostile and dramatic tbh. She might be a pain in the arse (or she might not) but she’s your kids’ grandmother and that’s life. Also gaslighting doesn’t just mean doing anything that annoys you. It’s pretty shortsighted that you describe yourself as ‘very much a mama bear’ (ugh) over your own son while calling your DH a ‘total mummy’s boy’.

Very well put. I only have sons and some of these threads really piss me off. The father's mother is just as important as the mother's mother.

Toottooot · 12/12/2023 13:43

Peer woman. Feel sorry for her having a daughter in law so up herself.

Original poster
livelovelasagne · 12/12/2023 13:42

@theduchessofspork @MiddleParking @Dartmoorcheffy @DottyPencil

I said I was most likely being hard work and was looking for advice to help me not feel this way 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
IfYouDontAsk · 12/12/2023 13:42

Well obviously you’ve just given a snapshot of the situation but your level of anger does seem disproportionate to the situation.

Your MIL can’t make you “do everything for her”. You can set boundaries- “no, MIL, I’ve just given birth. Can you either sort yourself out with X or get DH to help you with that”.

Similarly you can agree with DH beforehand what are the hard lines in the sand eg no kissing baby’s face. If she tries to break that rule then DH can swiftly step in and deal with it. Some things you will need to let go.

One thing I’d try to keep in mind is that it’s a gift to your baby to have grandparents that love them deeply. You don’t have to like your MIL, you can have boundaries with your MIL but keep it proportionate and respectful. She’s your DH’s mum and your child’s grandma.

BrassOlive · 12/12/2023 13:41

Poor bloody baby, sounds like they'll be a pawn in whatever petty nonsense is going on between you and MIL.

Greybluewhite · 12/12/2023 13:41

I’m so glad I don’t have time in my life for such drama. You must be knackered being so angry all the time!

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 12/12/2023 13:41

You sound like you have irrational anxiety over your baby’s health. It’s not normal to have a ‘no kissing the baby’ rule and it’s not normal to worry about people bringing germs because they have gone to a big city before visiting.

I think you need to address this before worrying about your mil because it is no fun for any child to be brought up in that environment.

Thenewmags · 12/12/2023 13:41

I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose

Because of this I’d say YANBU and your husband should be backing you. He has muddied the waters by not doing so, so I’d say target your annoyance at him and make sure he stands up to his mum.

DottyPencil · 12/12/2023 13:38

You and your MiL sound quite alike tbh.

Dartmoorcheffy · 12/12/2023 13:37

You sound like hard work.

MiddleParking · 12/12/2023 13:36

Yeah you sound completely unreasonable, needlessly hostile and dramatic tbh. She might be a pain in the arse (or she might not) but she’s your kids’ grandmother and that’s life. Also gaslighting doesn’t just mean doing anything that annoys you. It’s pretty shortsighted that you describe yourself as ‘very much a mama bear’ (ugh) over your own son while calling your DH a ‘total mummy’s boy’.

heldinadream · 12/12/2023 13:36

You know what? Maybe you're hormonal and maybe not, but I just think your DH should have your back and support you because you're growing and birthing his child. End of pretty much.
Sorry if this isn't entirely helpful OP. But DH should be helping you to feel ok bar actually murdering anyone, IYSWIM. IMHO. Good luck.
Probably I'm projecting. So sorry if so.

crumblingschools · 12/12/2023 13:36

If they are travelling on trains they are just as likely to pick up germs as they are visiting a busy city.

Will you be breast feeding, good excuse to take baby away to a quiet room if you are.
My MIL was a bit like this when DC were babies, luckily she has mellowed over the years.

theduchessofspork · 12/12/2023 13:35

You both sound quite difficult.

She shouldn’t be landing herself on you for two weeks, and you shouldn’t be objecting to a grandmother holding your child.

Cancel the long trip - make up any old medical issue.

Have a short visit a bit later. Set your boundaries if you describing yourself as a Mama Bear (which is slightly bizarre BYW) then I presume you know how to be assertive, so set your boundaries with her - but don’t be ridiculous about normal grandparent activities, as that’s not in your child’s interests.