The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

kindly, you need to find ways to manage your anxiety.

You sound very unreasonable.

So will your son be a mummy's boy when he's married? Or is that just reserved for your husband? Will you be a mama bear when he's 30? Or will you just see yourself as a normal mil?

I don't think you are angry about the idea of her holding the baby

I think you are angry about her not respecting your boundaries; and engaging in activities that you feel have risk (eg germs). You might be angry about this because you are fearful of harm to your baby; and angry that she hasn't listened you previously?

Focusing on her holding or not holding your baby might be less helpful- as this probably isn't the problem

There are different ways that you could approach things with MIL- either bluntly or tactfully- a tactful approach might be you sharing an article that sets out a factual basis for a risk you are concerned about (lullaby trust have an article on how kissing newborns can lead to risks (https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns/)

Their advice is

1. (Wash your hands before you touch a baby.
2. Do not kiss a baby unless you are their parent or main carer – and even then, avoid kissing if you have an infection or are unwell.
3. Do not visit a baby if you are ill, have recently been ill or have an infection. This includes colds, active cold sores as well as diarrhea and vomiting illnesses.

You could share something like this with MIL with a friendly 'gosh have you seen this' approach?

Maybe just be straightforward with people and with your worries and expectations rather than fizz and boil behind pleasantries or indirect instruction, and make everyone, including yourself, uncomfortable.

What is the problem with a moment's mild 'confrontation' that is then passed rather than weeks, months, a lifetime of resentment and misunderstanding?

I can tell you and your MIL are very alike!

The advantage this time around with it being your second baby is that you can put your MIL and the others to good use entertaining your son while you have some time with the baby, and then let MIL enjoy all the baby cuddles while you enjoy quality time with your son.
Instead of dreading her visit and getting angry about it, start planning how you can put her to good use. Draw up a schedule if it helps you - flag the days you want her to take your son to nursery or on an outing? The days you want her to babysit so you can go out even for an hour?
For their Christmas presents, book them some activities during the two week visit like an afternoon tea out somewhere, so you know in advance what time will be with you and what time they'll be out.
But also, try to reset your thinking about your MIL. You already seem to love FIL and SIL? This ogre MIL married the FIL you love, and raised SIL and your husband who you love! She may be a know it all. Turn that into something positive. Ask her questions, it'll make her feel useful and she might then calm down with offering comments.

I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way

Yes, you are.

You sound bonkers OP! Mil may or may not be a pain the arse but bloody hell have a word with yourself! Don’t shit stir between your Dh and his mum either, it may not go the way you want! And try talking about your Dh in a more respectful way, sneery remarks about being “mummy’s boy” make you sound jealous and spiteful.

I think you need some mental health support - please talk to your midwife who can refer you.

You don't have to live with this level of anxiety.

It’s very normal, and advised by Lullaby trust and NHS.
Have a read here
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns/#:~:text=Wash%20your%20hands%20before%20you,an%20infection%20or%20are%20unwell.

Of course she wants to kiss the baby. The way to manage their visit is to make a decision that you are going to let your MiL help with the baby for two weeks and use that time to get the rest you need. She has bought up a baby, your husband whom you presumably love and has good qualities, so she’s not going to do any harm. They will be gone after 2 weeks. That is how my mother put up with her MiL.

Lay some ground rules with your husband in advance. Keep them reasonable and brief - no kissing the baby, no taking the baby out of the room you’re in, the baby must be given back to you or your husband as soon as you ask. These are very basic and reasonable rules. Ask your husband if he can agree to help enforce them. If he won’t, suggest having them for two weeks isn’t workable, and he has to choose between having them stay and helping you enforce the rules, or not having them stay for two full weeks. If he won’t agree to either option he’s your main problem and you’ll need to plan how you’re going to deal with a man who offers you absolutely no support.

Your MIL sounds like a pain but I do also think there may be a hormonal element at play. It’s natural to feel protective but the anger is a fairly extreme manifestation of that. You should try to make peace with the inevitable - that she will visit, want to hold the baby etc. But you don’t have to give her a totally free rein; you can set reasonable and sensible boundaries.

'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face'

I would take this more as her demonstrating she listened to what you said and showing you (who she probably picks up hostility from) that she understands and is keeping to the, reasonable, rules.

Sometimes people give advice just to have something to say...the baby is going to be the topic of conversation, it would seem strange to you if they weren't, so what is there to say other than things that might cross into the area of 'advice'.

Sounds like you dislike your MIL intensely and pregnancy hormones are further exacerbating the feelings.

I agree with the ‘no kissing’ but only on the grounds of herpes which needs to be explained in a medical sense by your DH to his mum.

When she’s there perhaps you could pop your baby in a sling so no one can take him/her out of your arms. Explain that people are welcome to have a cuddle when the baby has been fed/changed and ask if they would mind making a cuppa/grabbing you a sandwich etc while you’re tending to the baby.

I would be heartbroken if my son met someone who felt like this acout me 😔
Suck it up. Be kind. Let her be excited and just smile and ignore any advice.

She doesn’t respect your boundaries, which makes you angry. That’s a pretty normal reaction IMO
You are probably bit hormonal too which doesn’t help.
Your husband needs to step up to support you and protect the boundaries you set, so it’s not all on your shoulders.

I always wonder why this "mama bear" description took hold. Bears do not make particularly outstanding mothers. They will usually go ahead and leave the bears to trail behind them. Those who don't follow won't be gone back for most of the time. If disaster befalls them, so be it. And if one of them is deformed or ill in some way, or simply if food is scarce, she won't hesitate to kill one or all of them to save herself.

It's quite common for a litter of three to be a litter of one or two by the time the bears are adolescent

I think the feelings are normal for a new mother. You don’t like her and your instinct is to protect your baby . The reality is you don’t need to protect your baby but the flight or flight feelings are still going to happen. Talk to your dh about how to manage the visit. Of course she can hold the baby but not all the time. Your dh needs to protect your feelings which will be hypersensitive after the birth. Mostly you just need to breath and accept that she is in your life and you have to find a way through it. Good luck and enjoy your new baby.

‘Mama bear’ usually means over mating and controlling.

How long are you expecting people to not do anything before they meet the baby?

I have been in an open plan office with about 200 people all morning. Would you expect them to work if they work in a similar environment?

And why are you with and having kids with a ‘mummy’s boy’?

The problem here, I think, that you are quite similar and in competition with eachother. And also, you really don’t like her and she relationship. But mantras of targeting your anger and annoyance at him you have piled the blame on her for all the ills on your world.

She is probably a PITA, but I think you are also blowing it up.

This time you’ll have 2 DC to distract her. So if you feel she’s hogging the baby, nudge her into playing with DS instead.

Also, you’ve got a toddler - the biggest germ factories on the planet, and the main reason second time mums don’t worry about germs any more! The baby will have had loads of snotty, smeary toddler kisses before MIL gets near them!

I don’t know about no good reason, the comment about op’s bump being tiny does sound very annoying. It’s entirely possible the op has very good reasons for her dislike.

She sounds like hard work and you sound possessive and neurotic! I think she needs to learn her place and you need to chill out!

My best advice is to recognise that you have a problem with you - not just with her and your DH.
Phillipa Perry is a great read. So is the book 'Attached'.
If you want to not feel the way you do, I think there's no easy and fast answer but that's where I'd start.
All the best.

I think it’s a sad world where a grandma can’t kiss her grandchild. I think you need to grit your teeth, or seek some kind of psychological help for your germ phobia.

The baby is more likely to catch something from your toddler. But that’s fine. Building immunity is a good thing.

Stop doing anything for her, be with your baby as much as you need and want to. Read up on the fourth trimester, I'm sure you already know. why are you on her? This is your time to bond with baby, mil can hold some of that time, but baby should be primarily with you.

I think you have an unusually high level of anxiety around your babies and that it might be something to discuss with your midwife or health visitor.

Some of your examples - no kissing, not visiting a city the day before - are definitely OTT. It may well be that your MIL is ALSO a bit of a pain and is dismissive of you, which makes it harder to separate your genuine concerns from your irrational ones. It's also possible that your MIL is frustrated with your irrational concerns and being a bit passive aggressive in response. Not okay, but understandable.

I think you should talk to someone.

Yes I know - and not having a two week visit is the best starting point. That is ridiculous