The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

You do sound like you’re putting too much effort into thinking about this. Sounds like it’s anxiety.

Youll have a toddler and a newborn to deal with. From experience, any support at that stage is really appreciated. I doubt you’ll actually have time to focus too much on what’s going on. If you go on to have baby three they’ll probably be licking the floor before you notice what they’re doing. Life with more than one is very very different.

You need to get some support for your anxiety - this will rub off on your poor children.

hope the birth goes well x

Sounds like there’s been lots of little things that have built to this huge hatred. Niggles that just poke and poke and poke untill suddenly your the bad guy when you snap back/say enough is enough.

Why are people obsessed with kissing babies anyway, gross. Don’t think I’ve ever kissed a baby that didn’t come out of me😂 don’t intend to either.

Just bat her off to dh… wants to hog the baby, well we can’t let Ds feel pushed out, you play with him I’ll feed baby, his missed seeing you. Oh Ds why don’t you show nanny how good at painting you are etc etc

I would have put my foot down at it being two weeks tho.

It’s really unhealthy to be harbouring this much resentment and anxiety over such trivial things. Honestly you should consider some therapy to try and let go of your anxiety so it doesn’t impact your children. My own DF hated my grandma in a similar way, it was really toxic and it was him I blamed.

What exactly does she say? The comment about the small bump was a bit stupid but it really wasn't so deathly offensive that she shouldn't be allowed to hold her grandchild.

I was vaguely sympathetic until the comment about getting germs from a trip, then I honestly laughed out loud! You’ve not mentioned anywhere how you’re planning on keeping your toddler away from the new baby, because as you well know toddlers are about the most geeky thing in the known universe.

😂 amazing. I have a “mama bear” friend and I shall store this for the next time she’s a little annoying with it.

OP - you are sounding quite unreasonable on the face of it but try not to worry. I found that my emotions calmed right down once the baby actually arrived and I was desperate to show them off. Just don’t be afraid to be calmly assertive if your MIL tries to overstep.

A 2 week visit seems absolutely ludicrous!!

Id think a 2 day visit would be reasonable to a family with a new born.

I completely understand your anxieties about germs and her kissing the babies face. Nobody should be kissing the babies face apart from the parents.

However, she is the child’s grandmother. And has every right to hold the baby and have cuddles. Try and see the “baby hog” as time for you to be able to have a shower, go to the toilet, relax and do stuff that is otherwise difficult with a newborn in tow.

If she does kiss or attempt to kiss baby then tell her no. Be assertive and clear with your boundaries. You need your DH on side with this.

Honestly? Sounds like you dh married his mum.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel I don't know about 'no good reason' either, of course, as I only have a short post to go on by.
Nothing in the op suggested that mil is doing something to deserve hate/ anger though.

I don't think you can change your feelings first. Let her hold the baby and accept you won't like it initially. Feelings tend to catch up with actions rather than the other way round.

If you're a mama bear, it shouldn't be too hard to refuse to do everything for her, whatever that means.

I feel sorry for her, imagine when your son has children if their mother ‘shakes with anger’ at the thought of you holding your grandchild.

I bet you don’t feel like that about your own mother holding baby?

Firstly, I'm not that fussed about holding anyone else's baby myself, I'll do it if asked to but its not something I feel compelled to do.

Secondly your MIL is your baby's family like it or not and your husbands mother, I think you just need to let her hold the baby now and again.

Also I cringed when you called yourself "a Mama Bear" , no you aren't a mama bear, you are an adult woman capable of moderating your behaviour and controlling your impulses so I suggest you do just that.

Jesus, just let the woman love her Grandchild

Keep them reasonable and brief - no kissing the baby, no taking the baby out of the room you’re in, the baby must be given back to you or your husband as soon as you ask. These are very basic and reasonable rules. Ask your husband if he can agree to help enforce them. If he won’t, suggest having them for two weeks isn’t workable, and he has to choose between having them stay and helping you enforce the rules, or not having them stay for two full weeks. If he won’t agree to either option he’s your main problem and you’ll need to plan how you’re going to deal with a man who offers you absolutely no support.

And what if the DH doesn't actually think these are reasonable rules? As in, he has is own personal opinion on what his mother should be allowed to do? Do his wishes just get summarily dismissed because he is a man and the baby's father is less important than the mother? He could equally turn round and ask himself how he is going to deal with a woman who offers him absolutely no support in facilitating a relationship between his child and his parents.

OP, rules around the baby need to be agreed between you and DH. Neither one of you owns the baby more than the other so you may need to compromise a bit. Certainly not wanting his family to go to a busy place the day before seeing you is pretty extreme so I'd let that one go.

For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP but then I’m in a similar situation (really dislike MIL, about to have a baby and dreading having to see her more)… I think it boils down to having to have someone around your baby who you really don’t like which clouds all rational thinking but the no kissing thing is perfectly rational and could be saving your baby’s life so she shouldn’t be doing that. As for visiting friends the day before, I don’t think you can do much about that other than asking your partner to check with her before they come over that she’s not ill. Good luck I can completely empathise with your position!

Madness

“The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core!”

lol grow up

growing and birthing his child ugh that expression makes me want to get sick. You sound a bit over the top about her OP, that is his mother, nothing wrong with her wanting to see her grandchild.

I totally get where you are coming from, my MIL is obsessed with babies so when my first was born she was a total nightmare at first, holding him and refusing to give him back when he clearly needed fed (was BF), disturbing him when he was asleep so he would wake up crying so she could rock him back to sleep then just hold him, she would take him to his nursery and claim he had been sick on his clothes just so she could change him (I got suspicious of this after a few times and checked the still very clean clothes in the laundry basket).

DH had to step in and be very firm and she did calm down after that although she is a very, very good and loving grandmother it was stressful those first few months.

My second solved the problem herself by just refusing to be held by anyone other than me but prior to her being born DH had spoken to MIL to set some boundaries. I would suggest getting your DH to talk to her as she is far more likely to listen to him than you IME.

One day your son will likely have a baby, and you will love that baby and want to cuddle it.

If she hogs the baby, swoop in with a smile and take him or her for a feed. Otherwise accept that this is someone who loves your husband and children. Of course she wants to hug the baby and that's a lovely thing.

YABU wanting to restrict their plans - what if your husband was going somewhere busy for work every day, or your eldest to nursery?

Agree that the contrast between you being a "mama bear" and your DH being a "mummy's boy" is telling!

so what makes you a "mamma bear" and her not I mean her son is a total "mamma's boy" so that's obviously attractive to you. I don't see the issue you sound like 2 peas in a pod

Maybe you need to reframe things. You interpret everything she is doing as coming from a place to annoy you or ignore your wishes.
Can you reframe it and try to take each thing she does and says and see if you can identify a good place that it is coming from

Eg. Can't wait to kiss baby... "I am so happy to have another grandchild, thank you for inviting me to see the baby"
E.g tiny bump ... "you are doing a great job of managing this pregnancy and you look amazing"

After a while you may stop seeing the bad in everything she does and see some good. She may still be annoying but you may not feel as annoyed

Very much this!