The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

Amusing but ignorant. Half those things don't make a bear a bad mother and the thing about leaving cubs alone is just plain wrong. One of the first rules you're taught when you're in bear country is never, ever to approach cubs or put yourself in a position where you may inadvertently come between a mother bear and her cubs. She's there and she's watching and nothing is quicker to anger than a mother bear when she fears her cubs may be in danger. Which is actually where the "mama bear" expression comes from.

Don’t do all this “stuff she expects “

Just sit around with the baby in a sling. Go to another room to feed them.

It isn’t normal to be this angry about MIL holding the baby, so you really do need to work through that. It’s unreasonable and you know it.

Try to arrange things with friends every few days so you have regular escapes from the pressure. I’m sure MIL will want to spend time with her DS too.

She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up.

I'm sorry, but this is bonkers. How do you imagine babies whose families live in big cities survive? Or how about the ones whose fathers commute daily into big cities to work, and then come home to cuddle and feed them?

Your MIL is only coming for two weeks, and then presumably not again for quite a long time given the distances involved. Suck it up.

I understand where you’re coming from and I sympathise. I will say though, you say you’re a total mama bear. Your mil probably is too. Imagine years down the line when you’re the mil and the gran… but you still feel like the mama bear as you say… I can see how it might feel difficult to accept your ‘place’ in the hierarchy, how hard it’ll be to have no say in things even though ‘you know best’ and you’ve ’been there and done it’. Again, I totally understand why you’re feeling the way you do. I guess I’m in a position now where not too far down the line I might be the mil/gran and I can see how it must be minefield. Your mil doesn’t sound great tbh though and you’d probably feel so much better if your dh took your side. X

@livelovelasagne was your husband a mummy’s boy when you met or did he become this way after you got married?

OP you sound as though you may have issues with germs that need addressing. Also some general anxiety that presents as irritability. I have this too so I sympathise. Try not to target your in laws or it might cause life long issues for you and your DH and your extended family. It's easy to develop tunnel vision with anxiety and you might be directing all your anxiety based anger towards your in laws. Try to grit your teeth and get through the 2 weeks , this may help you develop some resilience and the next visit will be easier.

So your older isn’t mixing with other kids, at all?

No soft play? No relatives kids? How long after the birth will this continue?

That’s refreshingly honest. You can’t help how you feel but you can help how you deal with it. Two weeks is a hell of a long time, do they really need to stay so long?

You know that how exactly?

What if Muma bear kicks in?

What if she doesn’t like you and you can see her trying to create distance between you and your adult child?

My advice is you tell DH you're the one he married and is choosing to procreate with so you're the one he needs to be sticking up for.

I would be irritated by a MIL who did that too. Perfectly normal and not just down to hormones.

Even if it were down to hormones, DH should have your back on this.

You're not "difficult" for setting boundaries as a parent and being annoyed when people cross them. It's your rules and completely out of order if she's telling you already she's planning on breaking them.

Don't listen to people telling you you're being difficult or you have a problem. It's not bad for the baby to have its mother setting rules and being annoyed when other people break them. This is ridiculous. Any time you don't want to sit and put up with her rude disrespecting of your parental authority tell your MIL "oh sorry, I have to take baby for a feed" even if you don't, and leave the room with the baby. You don't need a reason. It's your baby. She can do one.

Just remember at some point you will be the MIL and you will have daughter in law's. Presumably you don't want to be kept from your potential grandchildren? I would be more concerned about the germs your toddler gives you their sibling than the MIL but obviously you dislike your MIL.

But unfortunately, marrying a mummy's boy means he will never have your back, he will always be pandering to mummy.

I've noticed strong women often end up with these types.

I think you need to get propper help with managing anxiety.

It's beyond what can be advised on here.

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I agree. MIL sounds bossy and difficult. But unfortunately, marrying a mummy's boy means he will never have your back, he will always be pandering to mummy. These men should have a warning tattooed on their foreheads so that women can avoid them.

@livelovelasagne well in that case, if you and everyone else is exposed to germs how is the new baby going to survive if nobody exposed to germs can go near it? Honestly, it’s ridiculous.

You sound dreadful. You also don't know the meaning of the term "gaslighting".

Agree you both sound difficult. My advice would be think about how your children will end up like your DH (mummy's boy) if you don't get a handle on it.

But maybe the stuff you do say will irritate her as much as your MIL annoys you? Maybe she'll find you overbearing, or standoffish, or not understand why you never say anything nice, or why you give her so many compliments it feels false.

There are no guarantees you'll get on, but surely you'll expect her to allow you a relationship with your grandchild - especially as you're such a "mama bear"?

This.

Coming for 2 weeks, even a week, is too much! What is wrong with people who do long visits to newborns. Apart from my mum, I didn't see anyone for more than 2 hours at a time, it's too much.

Ps OP make sure you breastfeed and don't even think of expressing. Because this absolutely means the baby will be yours alone for those precious moments, and other people can't start to bottle feed the baby. The early bonding of breastfeeding (and bottle feeding) is so important for you and baby. When i bottle fed my oldest, i really looked in his eyes, but the difference was i was firm that only i did it (or my husband) and not my mother in law (it's just too soon!).

Oh dear
MIL 'thinks' she knows it all
Whereas you, OP, 'do' know it all.
Hmm.

Look 30 years into the future when your young DS is grown up.
And has just produced a baby.
You will not be as up to date as your DIL on current precautions by then, I guarantee it, and you may well offer the odd crumb of advice, or do something which will be outdated or thought to be unwise. What would you like your DIL to do? Shake with rage and ban you from coming around? Or gently explain that things have changed now, so please don't do x when you hold the baby. But still let you have a hold, as you are family.
Please, treat her like you would want to be treated when it is your turn in the future.