The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn

This is the bit that sticks out to me - it's not just about the MIL, it's about anyone. Feels like anxiety or OCD not MIL issues

This sounds mad. I’ve read the thread and I still don’t understand what is actually wrong with her holding and kissing the baby? In a safety sense? You, your DH and the toddler will be holding and kissing the baby- what makes you think she’s any more likely to give the baby some kind of illness? Have you seen what comes out of toddlers? And assume your DH is working? There is simply no need to shield babies from normal human contact, obviously assuming the person doesn’t have cold sores/ a stinking cold etc and doesn’t smoke.

To me it sounds like you just don’t like her- fair enough- but just be honest. Don’t dress it up as being for the sake of the baby. And for gods sake cancel the visit, I imagine it would be dreadful to be the MIL in that situation being close to your new grandchild for that long but basically not allowed anywhere near it without “mama bear” giving you the side eye or worse.

If you genuinely do want help not to feel the way you do, I'd keep picturing your son, who you're so protective of, having a wife who doesn't want to let you hold the baby. You say you won't do/ say the things your MIL does but maybe you'll do/ say other things your daughter in law doesn't like or agree on, how would you want to be treated? Also look at your children, they can't have too many people in their life who love them, so nurture this bond for them. Your in-laws live a long long way away so it's not like MIL will be around every week taking the baby. Lastly you are pregnant and worried, putting this stress to one side is a kindness to yourself and your own well being.

Oh lord another precious mother !! DIL from hell comes to mind

Are the visitors going to be holding the baby? Give them hand sanitizer and masks. (This would also fix the MIL kissing the baby problem.)

Christ. You hate your MIL. Own it and be rational. One day you'll be the MIL.
Anyone can pick up bugs from anywhere and a city is not going to make the slightest bit of difference. It might be that she's trying to gently indicate that you're being a bit OTT with health concerns round your infant short of saying you're a nutter.
Also though two weeks is a long time.
Final thought is that people who call themselves mama bears are generally trying to prove they're better than other mothers in being hugely controlling.

mama bear 🙄🙄

What does this even mean? You don't love your baby any more than any other mother you know.

Most MILs don't say "I'm looking forward to kissing the baby's face" when their DIL has explicitly said they don't want people to kiss the baby's face.
Many of us will become MILs. That doesn't mean we will indulge in some of the shitty MIL behaviour that we've been subjected to ourselves. We're more likely to do the opposite and make an effort to be better than them.

She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come.

Are they 'lovely' enough to not be in the city? I mean, she may have arranged it but they don't have to agree. Or do you only want 'lovely' people to meet your baby?

You hate your MIL, that much is obvious. Because of that you are anticipating her behaviours. What if she surprises you? What if she is actually quite reasonable?

Why not imagine the best case scenario so that you can at least not be in a state of tension and angst before she has even turned up.

Or accept that whatever happens, however she is, it's going to be difficult and insist on cancelling the visit. (Two weeks is waaaay too long to visit a new mum anyway, even with a hotel).

TBH, I think your problem is more with a DH who thinks you are 'hormonal'.

she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her

This sticks out for me. Your MIL is making the effort to visit for two weeks because she's so eager to spend time with her newest grandchild. Because she's a distance away, she will be trying to maximise that time. She's obviously got form for giving you tasks that you can't do with a baby on hand. However, a new mother's instinct is generally to keep her baby as close as possible once she's given birth. It's not to fulfill tasks for her MIL!

In reality, if you can't get her to postpone the visit, you're just going to have to be very firm. If she asks you when lunch is, say "I don't know, DH when is lunch?". If she wants a cup of tea, say "DH, can you make your mum a cup of tea?". Don't let her come over until 10am, 10.30am, ask her to leave at a sensible time, ask your DH to take her out for lunch etc, and take the baby for feeding and naptime as the baby needs. Let her have cuddles when the baby is fed, clean, awake and just mewing basically. Newborns are really only awake a few minutes at a time, and your MIL deserves to have some of that awake time. But to hog the baby, take it away from its mother when it's just born, is out of order. Let her complain: this is your child and you're only going to get this opportunity once. She's been a mother, it's your turn now.

Honestly, she's going to get incredibly bored after the first couple of days. I don't know what she thinks will happen for two whole weeks! Maybe your toddler will need looking after, and errands will need to be run as you'll both be exhausted...

You can’t live in a sterile bubble though.

chances are the staff at the hospital will have been out in public when your there. Presumably you’re not keeping everyone in your family in the house all the time?

some exposure to germs is normal. You can’t avoid normal activity

The thing is OP, of course she is going to hog the baby. She is visiting for two weeks and lives far away so the baby will have a lot of focus from her as she rarely sees him. Any thoughts that she will hardly go near him should be removed right now.

Tbh you both sound quite hard work, which is probably why you have issues as you both think the way you’re acting is fine and it’s the other one in the wrong.

your MIL shouldnt expect you to run around after her when you’ve just had a baby, make her son do the running around, or maybe suggest her doing some stuff to help. But it’s a bit mean to say that MIL can’t give the baby a kiss on the head or getting irate about the thought of her holding her grandchild. Also going to a city the day before isn’t the end of the world. Plenty of babies live in cities and are just fine.

get your DH to have a chat with her about being helpful and try and stop overthinking it all. Just relax and be happy you baby has a family who love it and want to be involved in its life.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think that nobody should expect you to do stuff that isn't baby bonding and baby and toddler caring for a good two weeks after giving birth. And I think you should print out the NHS No Kissing Babies advice and tell MIL that since she cannot be trusted, she doesn't get to hold the baby at all. Tinkly laugh. Anybody tries anything you don't like, "no" is a complete sentence and waft off for a nap / feed / walk alone with the baby.

Your poor MIL!! I feel very sorry for her.

So am I not meant to hold my baby given I live in London?! Why are you justifying OP, clearly bonkers

So if you were going to meet a friend's new baby, would you avoid going to a 'packed city' beforehand in case you pass on germs? If so, you need to be aware that this is not normal behaviour. Most people, when meeting a new baby, go about their normal lives as usual and then go round to the person's house and meet and hold the baby. If they were actively unwell with something then yes I would expect them to cancel. It was also normal for a period of time for otherwise well people to do a Covid test before seeing friends/relatives, particularly vulnerable ones, in case they were unwittingly spreading covid. But prior to this (and since the end of the mass testing) most people would only take precautions with germs as far as cancelling if they were actually unwell. It's not normal to alter your behaviour in the run up to meeting a new baby just in case you possibly catch something.

Unless you are having a home birth your hospital stay will provide you both with lots of germs. 22 years ago my newborn ds came home with whooping cough which nearly killed him. When I had my last dc new mil dumped us all. Shame she had met my existing dc and told them to call her dgm. Bonkers woman. Maybe give her a chance op. But tell dh he needs to back you or he can go back when mil leaves...

And you know people (many) have babies in cities… or take them to cities. 😭😭

All of this. Not letting people hold a baby because they've traveled in a city the day before? How on earth do parents who work in cities and use public transport then come home to their infants cope?

All of what OP has said is unreasonable and excessive

Don’t come on MN & ask about anything serious, most of this lot use it as entertainment. One speaks & they all follow suit, like children really. They can be quite cruel too if you’re struggling.

I’d cancel the 2 week visit, & in spring time take the baby to see them for a weekend. You don’t like each other & never will, so apart from occasional visits there’s no point trying if she’s going to be a cunt all the time.

There's a saying....men marry their mothers

You both sound hard work.
Are you really thinking you can control where people go before they visit you? The latest craze for isolating babies is so odd....are you normally like this about germs....are you isolating your eldest?

It’s a difficult one OP, yes on the face of it you’re being unreasonable but your feelings are your feelings. I think you need to sit your husband down and talk to him about how you’re feeling, not what his mother does/did/says but how you’re feeling about her and come up with a reasonable compromise. That could look something like, MIL holds the baby but as soon as she seems fussy DH takes her back to you, judgemental comments get dealt with on the spot by DH, no kissing baby (probably reasonable), agreement on how long they’re going to be at your house each day/which part of the day etc basically you need to find something you can both get on board with and be a team and not to turn it into a ‘i hate your mother’ argument.

It's your baby so if you don't want mil to hold her/him then just tell her so. And if she complains then tell her that as she was in a busy city the day before, you don't know what germs she was exposed to and you're not risking anything being passed onto little one. It doesn't matter what arguments she comes out with. It's your baby and if you're not comfortable then that's tough shit for her. Don't let them make you do something you're not happy with. Sending virtual support 💐

You both sound like an absolute nightmare. It’s a baby, you’re not the first person in the world to have one. You really need to chill out, honestly it’ll massively improve your life. You clearly have far too much time on your hands, to worry about something minor like this.