The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

This happened to me too, OP. I wish I had been stricter/firmer about setting boundaries.

My in-laws were with me for 2 long months and the MIL would always take DD away from my arms, as if, she belonged to her.

Once I was so angry and fed up, I did not allow her to hold DD at all for the entire day. She spent the next day sulking and passing the same comment over and over again for DH to hear, 'yesterday I did not hold DD at all'. My MIL is one of the worst women I've ever come across, she's despicable and knows how to play dirty games in the family. When she knows she's stirred up some shit, she will break into tears and everyone will run to pacify her and ask her what's happening, why are you so sad. She knows exactly what she's doing and she's getting away with her by seeking sympathy as well.

In my culture, it's a bit difficult to get firm with in-laws, I hope you stand up for yourself and do what makes you happy. I have issues with DH getting all soft and sentimental when I discuss how bad his family is, it's a tough battle.

Please don't let this woman walk over you, please 🙏 I'm suffering from depression after what my MIL did, I wouldn't wish that to anyone else.

I think you’re getting some very harsh comments on here OP. Your MIL sounds domineering and controlling and there’s obviously a history here in terms of her behaviour towards you. This isn’t helped by your husband not having your back. The two week stay is ridiculous and no new mother should have to put up with that. If you’ve made it clear you don’t want people kissing your new baby’s face, or walking off with the baby then that should be the case.

You’re feeling like this because your husband is not supporting you. If you were both giving out the same clear messages then the problem would be greatly reduced. But the way it is you feel constantly on edge because you’re on your own with it.

Your baby, your rules. As another poster said, let her cuddle the baby but make it clear that that it’s your decision when the baby is to be returned to you.

What's a "mama bear"? seems a bit extreme to me

I think you need to stop over thinking this. I spent years trying to get along better with MIL and she was horrid at times. My husband was not the 'favourite' child at all. By the end of her life though we were firm friends and I understood a lot of her difficult behavior was due to her upbringing and lack of self esteem. My pregnancies were not high risk so I can't really comment there but try and keep in mind that this is just a visit and maybe she'll be a help too? If we always dwell on the expected negatives then we usually have a difficult time. If you put a list of rules and expectations out there you are bound to ruffle feathers and may well seem antagonistic. Also, I don't think you can close yourself off from people just because they are out in the world. Just ask for hand washing and taking care when handling your little one.

My MIL was a midwife and disagreed with quite a few of our decisions regarding our children when they were infants but we just didn't open things up for discussion and politely moved conversations on if it looked like we were in for an 'opinion' session. One thing I do remember is many a whispered phone conversation with my own mum or chat with my husband at bedtime that helped me to keep calm when I found it all too much. Which let's face it we all feel when we have a new born!

Good luck and do try and look for the light in the situation I think it may help.

Posters who are saying things about family members kissing the baby “oh it’s just a normal thing to do”….
Have you ever had a baby in hospital with rsv? A common cold to adults but can be serious in babies, resulting in them needing oxygen and feeding tubes. It’s horrible.
Nobody should be kissing a baby anywhere on the face, it’s completely unnecessary.
So op is not being unreasonable to expect mil to stick to that particular simple task.

Of course she’s being totally unreasonable wanting to hold her new grandchild.

THIS!!

Wow OP you do sound very very angry and hostile. Totally normal to not get on well with every member of your extended family. Bear in mind these are your thoughts and feelings and you are in control of them - you will need to relax about this because it's likely to drive you crackers! She is your DHs Mum so you will need to spend time with her but it's up to you to deal with your feelings. Only you can do something about how you feel.
What do you mean by Mummy's Boy? Does this mean he has a close relationship with her? There's nothing wrong with that OP.
Ask DH to back you up when you need space and time away from the fam when they visit - take baby upstairs to feed etc.
I actually feel a bit sorry for your MIL too OP :(

the baby has two parents so no the OP doesn’t get to unilaterally decide.

Yanbu, but you won't get much sympathy on here OP, as I think most people must be disgruntled MIL's! She sounds like a nightmare and agree firm boundaries are needed, but your DH should be the one enforcing these. I recommend breastfeeding if you can/want to and baby wearing, along with saying no!

You can't help how you feel but you do need to calm down and you can change how you act. You are totally unreasonable here and while you may have legitimate reasons to dislike her, you are coming across as batshit crazy here. Be polite, let her hold the baby, keep craziness to yourself. You risk damaging your relationship with your husband here too.

It's not bad for the baby to have its mother setting rules and being annoyed when other people break them

Doesn't the father have any say?

Personally I would respect anyone's rules about their baby, but I would not be able to develop a relationship with OP's baby. My MIL was not perfect but she was a wonderful grandmother to my dd and I'm glad I allowed her to hold and love my baby.

OP, most of the world's population lives in big cities and nearly every child on the planet is visited by people who have been on public transport.

I think there are 2 basic aspects to this:

Firstly, some of MIL's comments are unacceptable, and I can understand it is a pain. Once such things get under your skin it is very hard to avoid them looming large in your thinking.

Secondly, I think you are being over-precious about the germ aspect - you already have a 3 year old and they are pretty germy (unless he never goes out and mixes with others). If you feed your baby you will supply lots of antibodies to protect him/her.

I agree that 2 weeks is too long immediately after the birth when you will need to gather your strength and will not feel like standing up for yourself. Will your OH be there during those 2 weeks or will he be back to work at some point?

I would also be worried about germs and definitely no to kissing. This can be life threatening to babies! It’s your baby so if you don’t want anyone to hold him/her then don’t. Don’t worry about what other people think

One day your son may have a wife and child . You will be the MIL …. Will your son be “ a mummy’s boy “ or will he just be your son who you love very much ? Will you appreciate his wife treating you and speaking about you the way you are talking about your MIL? Because remember your future daughter in law will be a “ mama bear “ too and she may think your son is a big mummy’s boy .
What goes around comes around

YABU about this, does your husband never leave the house to work or go to the shops?

YANBU about the rest. Why doesn’t your husband listen to you? Is he like this in other areas or just where his mother's concerned?

What is it with MILs not remembering how it was to be a mother to a newborn! 2 weeks! That sounds like hell IMHO unless they plan to cook, clean and walk dogs. The only person a new baby needs in the first months of life is its mother - the intensive grandparenting some PILs demand interrupts a mother/baby bond and is not helpful to baby-it's only selfish. And dads should be making sure the woman who gestated and birthed his child is supported. ignore the people complaining you don't like your MIL. Sounds like she doesn't do a great job supporting you and treats you like an incubator for her family. It's normal to dislike someone who treats you poorly and ignores what's best for baby.

My DM, a midwife, thankfully remembered how important the mother/baby dyad is and rarely held baby, instead doing everything she could to make sure I was healing and bonding with my newborns. She also played interference with people who seemed unfazed about demanding unlimited baby time. Do you have someone like this in your life to help you manage in-laws? It should be DH role, but in your situation that seems unreasonable.

You sound absolutely ridiculous.

So what if they are going to be on a train and in a city before they visit?? Do you think the people who worked down the pits had to wait 24 hours in quarantine before seeing their own babies?

Is your own mother subject to these rules or is that reserved only for your MIL? Are you quaking at the thought of your own mother holding your baby or other members of your family?

I sincerely hope your future daughter in law treats you the exact same way.

imho no one in their right mind would organise a trip for the in laws to visit them for two weeks after the birth of a baby no matter how well you get on and let alone if you don't get on.

You and your DH are being really unreasonable to have organised for them to visit at this time for this long. You both need to take responsibility for that. Its your life and your baby. You have agreed to this madness so i think you both need to suck it up.

I have to agree with this.
It wouldn't occur to me that people shouldn't go to a city the day before meeting my baby. Are they supposed to quarentine for a week beforehand?
Let her cuddle her grandchild. Take the baby back whenever you want to but don't be awkward about it.

You just need to breathe. Remind yourself that she is responsible for bringing to the world the man that you love. Give her credit for that.

Put yourself in her shoes; 30 years from now your DIL could be describing you the same way.

Regarding the germs, so long as they take their shoes off and wash their hands, which is good practice when coming home baby or not, your baby will be fine.

You say are a mama bear but describe her as the same. Something has to give. Let her hold the baby.

You sound like a total pain in the arse!

I couldn't read to far past 'mama bear' 😆Seriously you sound very similar to your MIL, I imagine your DIL will be posting similar about you on here in years to come. Just chill out, let it go over your head. Don't run around after her, let her mummy's boy do that.

It sounds as if the DH has married another version of his mother.

Mama Bear 🤮

@allgood3 has sensible and constructive advice on how to handle it, OP.

' I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up'

What? That is so bizarre. Do you think babies who live in busy cities are riddled with disease?