The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

Aaaaaargh.

Where I live, many fathers commute by train to and from London every day

Presumably they shouldn't be near their babies, by your thinking. How about mothers who live in cities?

You're being ridiculous, and need help with your germ anxiety. That or you're just looking for reasons to hate on your MIL.

And seriously, spare everyone the mama bear bollocks. It's cringe-worthy. And bear in mind that 'mama bears' are likely to end up with mummy's boys.

Zombie...wish mnhq would lock a zombie thread

ZOMBIE THREAD

You are neither angry or bitter, you are full of the protective mama bear hormones that nature gives you, because it is vital that a newborns health is 100% prioritised.

She's being an asshole saying stuff like 'i can't wait to kiss the baby's face' and saying your bump is small so why are you moaning. She's been pregnant, she's had a newborn to take care of, shes had pregnancy hormones, she knows what it's like so it isn't nice of her. Shed drive me mad too.

Maybe you are exhausted. Look we all stew over things at times of stress.
choose five? Hard and fast rules and let the others go? And maybe there’s YouTube’s of letting go of anger you can watch, but it’s a process, and I’m sorry I didn’t see how much time you have left.

Also the labour was too hard for the visit. Your leg fell off. Anything

I think your anxiety is impeding your judgement a little. I don’t doubt for a minute she’s a bit tricky but you seem to be having an exaggerated reaction.

In your shoes I would speak to your midwife or doctor, maybe even try some relaxation techniques. Then see how you feel about things an a couple of weeks. Don’t make any decisions or do anything rash while you’re feeling like this.

I say this as someone with anxiety. I’ve learnt to recognise when my anxiety is up and to hold off from anything important until I’m in a better frame of mind.

Omg so agree with this!

Whilst I agree with you that the OP needs to address the issues she has (OP, what I mean is your anxiety is high and you could use some help with that), a lot of parents don’t allow people (grandparents inc.) to kiss their children.
I’m not one of those however if my kids don’t want to kiss their grandma goodbye, then they don’t and my mum accepts that

No, you should back your husband, and if he wants his mother involved then you should facilitate that.

I think it's easy for moms of little ones to be overwhelmed with mammal feelings that complicate relationships with in-laws. I was. I remember being irrationally infuriated when MIL sent a large box of baby clothes. But I think it gets harder when one doesn't speak up and the resentment gets bottled up. For a start, the two week visit is too long. Husband (best) or you should make sure that gets shortened. If he won't, make your room into a little fortress, complete with door wedge. Have books, music, bottled water, snacks so you can retreat when you want to. Practice saying "Baby and I need some quiet time, I will see you all later." Super cheerful. Get up and leave. When you are out, wear the baby in a sling. When you want to, maybe for an hour or two, take baby out of sling for others to wrangle. It's your choice. Practice saying firmly "I will take baby now," for when you want her back. Then do it. If she turns away from you, stay cheerful, be loud, "I will take my baby now," and go right up to her. Have a list of useful things for her to do. Fold laundry. Change sheets. Empty dishwasher. Go and pick up diapers or meals. When she says she just wants to help, remind her of the list.

Awful logic there. Plenty of people have horribly abusive parents but grow up to be good people still (and vice versa)
How someone is as an adult is not a reflection of their parents. It can have an influence, but having shit parents doesn't guarantee you will be an awful person yourself..

Totally pointless applause if you're not going to tell us who's said something well 🙄

Your MIL managed to raise her son from a baby, to a man with whom you’re happy to have children. Try believing that she’s not as incompetent as you want to believe, and that you don’t know it all either.

Life’s too short. Relax, your children are going to be fine.

You sound very controlling and angry. Don’t deny your child a relationship with their grandmother just because you have control. It’s unreasonable!

it’s ok for you to detect what happens to your baby but your DH can’t be a mummy’s boy… very U

Ignore the nasties here. Hormones cause havoc 😏

A two week visit is way too long but sounds like there’s not much you can do about it.

You will be very tired so look at it this way - if mil offers to hold the baby go for a nap or listen to a relaxing podcast.

Use her as a resource. Ask her to clean, do washing, sort the gutters out and cut the grass 😂

Be very grateful for what she does to ensure when she leaves the house is gleaming and you are rested.

Mil will be very quick to return baby when they cry.

Each time Mil takes baby means you get rest. This will help with the difficult hormone moods and being more rested and relaxed will make you a calm mum which will feel better than being a ‘bear’ mum.

Take good care of yourself. I wish you the very best 😊

Chill, OP. Your baby is meeting their grandparents for a fortnight. It's fine.

If it helps, I lived in and traveled through a big city when I had my first. Used the station literally on the day he was born, in a city hospital. He came home to our city flat and was visited by our city friends, who used public transport to get there.
31 years later he's not only still alive, but very healthy and successful

Ok as others have said ground rules.I aslo think compromise is key. Grandparents are excited too but husband should back you. Agree these rules with him first, get him on board then present a united front.

The no kissing baby, there are articles recently which can enforce the reasoning behind this, babies can die from kisses. Find that article, use that as the reason, backed by science that no kissing on the face, kiss the clothed belly, the clothed feet (compromise os key).

Somome mentioned setting boundaries around activities, youve just goven birth, dont host, dont cater, dont move to get people food or drink; simple - someone asks for something - I've just given birth, husband will get it, he jumps up to do whatever task.

Dont have them over all day, every day, set times and boundaries.

Someone mentioned putting baby in a sling, I like this idea but don't use it as a weapon.

Basically you have to recognise you have a problem with MIL, but she has a right to be excited, it should be a joyous time for you all so you need to get hubby on board with riles and act as a united front or else you'll feel alone and defeated and that's the root of your issue. You're vulnerable after a birth; he needs to step up and not be a mummy's boy, but you need to not be a controlling nasty vindictive cow as a result.

When Mama Bear met Mummy's Boy ...

Hormones probably are making themselves felt, tho your husband's treading on thin ice for saying it.

He wants his mum to have a relationship with the baby; whether it's father's mum or dad's mum they are both grandmothers. It's natural. But his number one duty is to the single entity (I think it's called a dyad) that is mother & baby, especially in the fourth trimester.

And two weeks is too long - but at least they aren't staying with you.

Your toddler is way more of a germ factory than your ILs, especially if they go to nursery etc.

MIL can't make you do anything.

You practice your boundary statements - this is your baby not hers, and you say what can and can't happen.

Get a sling so she can't take the baby out if your sight.

They live 8 hours away, I would let her enjoy the time when she's there and then when she goes breathe a sigh of relief and relax.
It's not ideal they are staying so long but they are travelling long way and at least they aren't in the same house.
You can manage the 2 weeks, just take the baby out for some quiet time when you both need it. X

I think you are listening to your instincts & they are usually right. If there was someone you trusted & you knew would be careful around trying not to pick germs up & were clean, and they wanted to hold your baby (but making sure you were okay with this), you would probably feel okay with this? You know she has asserted herself in subtle ways & are wary of this. Your priority is your family & keeping them well. As others have said, she shouldn’t kiss the baby’s face. Partners will vary in how they support against their own family & this may be a learning curve for both of you that takes time. He may be scared to upset his mum. Ultimately your needs should come first & ideally some trust built so that you can feel more comfortable. Easier said than done, but I would discuss with health professionals in front of your partner. If they hear it from someone else they are more likely to act on it. Look after yourself & good luck. Stick to the facts and speak up for yourself. Two weeks at this stage speaks for itself.

I second this. But You have actually changed what you originally posted. Your first post was asking if you were being unreasonable to be this upset, and when all the responses said yes, you are being unreasonable. Then you changed it saying, I know I'm being hard work I just want advice on how not to be.
Which is very different.
It sounds like you're MIL is tricky but also you're being highly triggered by her.
And that lies with you.
Starting to work on yourself is the best way and Philipa Perry is a great resource. Good luck

Hello, I do understand how you’re feeling, it’s the feeling of being controlled and I think that causes anger and resentment. I’ve been through something similar with my MIL, she is nice and tries to be helpful but is overbearing/controlling and when I tried to assert boundaries with our baby boy once, she got rude and snarky.. which has lead me to retreat from her a bit, which is a shame because I want them to have a relationship, but on my terms not hers.
Anyway, my only advice is to breathe.. your MIL won’t be trying to intentionally cause harm to your little one, I know it’s hard when you feel a level of irritation with everything she says and does. Try to be objective, ask yourself is this her being intentionally rude? Or am I over analysing it because of my personal annoyance. Have a chat to your DH before hand about boundaries so he isn’t shocked when you assert them. Good luck! MIL’s can be a right pain in the arse- thinking they know best and giving unsolicited advice..

Sorry I didn’t read all the messages so this might have been covered but if your eldest is 3 now then he must have been born during covid restrictions when kissing babies would have felt more unsafe.

If you are worried about germs could you maybe ask them to wear a mask during their visit?

What?!