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Original poster

Ex FIL angry at DC's when they visit

137 replies

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:37

Split up about a year ago. I instigated the split and stayed in the family home. Ex refuses to come here.
He moved back in with his parents. Sleeps on their sofa. He says he has no way of being able to move out which is probably true as we live in an expensive city and he is a retail assistant.
Therefore one day of the week, I drop our children (7 and 8, one has additional needs) to his parents and pick them up at 6/7. His parents are older and had looked forward to having a bit of peace. I can feel that my ex FIL is annoyed at having to share his weekends/ home/ tv with small children again.
Recently he has been shouting at them and being short tempered in general at them. Sometimes there is a reason but mostly it's for relatively small things. The worst thing is he stays angry at them (not saying bye and being off with them/ sitting in a different room). The kids notice and say that they don't want to go there anymore.
I completely understand that it must be frustrating having to share your house with a grown up son and small children again but it's one day a week and it's not my children's fault. If he wants to, he could say to his son, my ex, that he needs to move out. He could kick him out and see if he would be able to get social housing (unlikely I know).
Until then I don't know how to protect my children. They're not angels but they deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. I don't want them to go somewhere where someone rolls their eyes and walks out of the room when they come in.
Has anyone found any magic solutions? I know in the summer it's easier for my ex to take them out all day but in winter it's cold and he doesn't have limitless money. On one day after school they stay in a cafe for four hours with him so they don't have to go back to his parents house. It's far from ideal.

OP posts:
OftIwandered · 10/12/2023 21:23

Any other family members or friends he could visit with the kids? Even for half the day, once a month. Obviously this shouldn't be your problem to solve but you don't want your children to be miserable so anything free or cheap to occupy a few hours will help

allmyliesaretrue · 10/12/2023 21:23

He needs to find a solution though, and he doesn't sound like he's minded to do anything. Granted, a run in the park when it's pissing rain isn't fun, but just being cold isn't a reason really - wrap them up warm and tight.

If you're in a big city there must be free things to do.

The most obvious solution is that he comes to yours, and if he won't do that, he is going to have to come up with answers.

SecondUsername4me · 10/12/2023 21:21

Your children's dad has the freedom to go and sort himself a better paid job - it's not like he has the children underfoot all week. The fact he isn't trying to better his own circumstances for his own children - this should be enough to show that you shouldn't do anything on top to help him do it.

I'd be telling ex that you won't stand by and watch the dc be emotionally abused by their grandfather, so unless the ex takes the dc elsewhere, or the ex stands up to his dad to make him behave better round his own children, then they wouldn't be going there.

He could take me to court.

AliceMcK · 10/12/2023 21:19

Your ex needs to sort out his Dad issues for your children’s sake, if not he needs to find a way to manage the day and try and get himself sorted. It’s great that you want to help him for your DCs sake but it really should not be down to you.

There must be ways for him to move out of his parent’s place, bedsit, studio, flat share. Otherwise he needs to take them out for the day, surely he can afford 1 days activities each week. Most of the costs of a day out is food, so he can pack a lunch (or you could) take to parks, swimming, soft play, zoo, museums… I’m assuming if you live in a very expensive city it means there are plenty of things to do there.

EvilElsa · 10/12/2023 21:19

Museums? Shopping centres sometimes have ping pong tables/activities. I'd have a look online for ideas and see whats about. You might be able to find a group or community centre locally. Does he have any friends with kids?

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:18

@HikingforScenery every Sunday??

OP posts:
dontbuyadell · 10/12/2023 21:18

Yet another thread where the vast majority of the posters seem unable to read and comprehend the Original Post!

OP this isn't your problem to solve it's your Ex's. He need to step up and sort out activities for the kids outside of his parents home. Or help to improve the relationship with his father and his children.
I would simply tell him as it is. That he needs to find a solution before the next time he is due to have contact as the children no longer wish to go to their grandparents.

But I wouldn't be paying for activities on his behalf nor would I be selling my home to help fund a home for him.

HikingforScenery · 10/12/2023 21:16

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:13

@allmyliesaretrue they do all that but it's still six hours in the house. It's just really hard and expensive to stay out with children all day in winter. Swimming is 45 minutes per session where we are, so that's £15 for an hour and a half, then a cafe for an hour? No libraries are open on Sunday. What else? There just isn't anything. Cinema is expensive. Park is ok but they're just out of the peak age for parks. Weather is grim. I'm not making excuses for him but staying out all day in winter with no car is expensive and not all fun.

Museum? Art Gallery? Lots of these places are pretty child-friendly and free.

EvilElsa · 10/12/2023 21:14

If he absolutely won't come to you then he needs to find an activity to do. Doesn't need to be pricey. Library, play centre, sports, park on a dry day. There is stacks they could do really. I could certainly fill four hours outside the house.

dunroamingfornow · 10/12/2023 21:13

Is it worth checking to see if there are any contact centres near where you live? Some charities also have space or children's centres where they could hang out together for a bit ?

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:13

@allmyliesaretrue they do all that but it's still six hours in the house. It's just really hard and expensive to stay out with children all day in winter. Swimming is 45 minutes per session where we are, so that's £15 for an hour and a half, then a cafe for an hour? No libraries are open on Sunday. What else? There just isn't anything. Cinema is expensive. Park is ok but they're just out of the peak age for parks. Weather is grim. I'm not making excuses for him but staying out all day in winter with no car is expensive and not all fun.

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 10/12/2023 21:09

He needs to take them out for a run in a park, swimming, for a smoothie, whatever they enjoy.

Alternatively could granddad make himself scarce for a few hours so that he doesn't have to tolerate them?

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:05

Ex won't come here. I can't go into it here but it's not an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:03

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 because he's my children's dad and I know how much it will fuck them up if he dies. He is a walking male suicide statistic and if I had to sell to try to help him then I would.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 10/12/2023 21:03

I know it's not ideal but could he have them at your house?;if you have a relative with a spare room or a cheap hotel could you go one better and have a whole night off if your ex stayed at yours overnight?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/12/2023 21:00

Why would you do that though? It’s not your responsibility to house another adult, who it sounds like was unreasonable in his behaviour. It is your responsibility to house your children though. Don’t risk their future for his

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:00

@Fizzadora he only has one day off per week.

OP posts:
Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:57

@GreyBlackLove no agreement but I was hoping to sell and give him something to try to avoid this exact situation. I didn't know that I would be looking at selling for a third less than I paid for it.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 10/12/2023 20:57

titchy · 10/12/2023 20:53

If his salary won't cover rent he's probably entitled to UC. Has he looked into that? Didn't think so...

if you’re a single person with no dependants or health problems you won’t be entitled to UC if you’re earning NMW and working FT.

GreyBlackLove · 10/12/2023 20:56

If this is your house and you weren't married why would you be selling it? Was there an agreement he'd contribute to the mortgage and get a lump sum if you split?

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:56

@titchy no but I have and he isn't entitled.

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 10/12/2023 20:56

Is there any reason why it has to be a full day? Could it be split and they go to him for tea one day and stay a few hours and then just a weekend morning or afternoon so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming for the grandparents.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:56

There's a billion reasons our home won't sell, I don't need to list them here. This isn't the issue. I was only going to sell to help my ex out with a deposit but the amount we would have to reduce it wouldn't allow me to buy even a two bed anywhere near their school and my work. I mean I'm not willing to sacrifice my children's school where they are happy and supported (see SEN board for how rare this is) and my own sanity, especially as it is my ex's unreasonable behaviour which ended the relationship.

OP posts:
maddening · 10/12/2023 20:55

If it is the ops House I don't see why she should sell it to fund the exes living situation

misssunshine4040 · 10/12/2023 20:55

Most landlords won't touch UC claimants and you need to earn 3x the rent to even get a viewing these days