Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex FIL angry at DC's when they visit

137 replies

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:37

Split up about a year ago. I instigated the split and stayed in the family home. Ex refuses to come here.
He moved back in with his parents. Sleeps on their sofa. He says he has no way of being able to move out which is probably true as we live in an expensive city and he is a retail assistant.
Therefore one day of the week, I drop our children (7 and 8, one has additional needs) to his parents and pick them up at 6/7. His parents are older and had looked forward to having a bit of peace. I can feel that my ex FIL is annoyed at having to share his weekends/ home/ tv with small children again.
Recently he has been shouting at them and being short tempered in general at them. Sometimes there is a reason but mostly it's for relatively small things. The worst thing is he stays angry at them (not saying bye and being off with them/ sitting in a different room). The kids notice and say that they don't want to go there anymore.
I completely understand that it must be frustrating having to share your house with a grown up son and small children again but it's one day a week and it's not my children's fault. If he wants to, he could say to his son, my ex, that he needs to move out. He could kick him out and see if he would be able to get social housing (unlikely I know).
Until then I don't know how to protect my children. They're not angels but they deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. I don't want them to go somewhere where someone rolls their eyes and walks out of the room when they come in.
Has anyone found any magic solutions? I know in the summer it's easier for my ex to take them out all day but in winter it's cold and he doesn't have limitless money. On one day after school they stay in a cafe for four hours with him so they don't have to go back to his parents house. It's far from ideal.

OP posts:
silvertoil · 10/12/2023 23:10

(By the family house - I mean your house.)

Teaandtoast12 · 10/12/2023 23:09

I might have missed some details about how they got on? But if you did used to get on with FIL could you try and make a little care package with maybe food, drinks, snacks, books, puzzle/puzzle books for the grandparents from the grandchildren and your ex have an honest chat with them that yes it’s not ideal, and ask if is there anything that can be changed for example is it in a certain room they’re extra worried about something breaking, I think your ex needs to make it clear that he needs to see his kids and he is sorry it has worked out this way but he’s willing to try and be reasonable with them to make things a bit easier at home

silvertoil · 10/12/2023 23:07

Another one who just wants to add you're not wrong to have some compassion, OP.
Contact at the family house - in winter at least - really is the most practical option so would push that. Swimming and museums are not going to help much.

QS90 · 10/12/2023 22:53

Not ideal either, but if you aren't too hard up yourself, could you afford to give him some money to take the children out? Like, £30 so he could take them to the cinema?

Or if he would feel embarrassed taking cash, then book swimming lessons for them, for example, that he then takes them to? Obviously you shouldn't have to, but perhaps it's a lesser evilism, at least for the winter months.

Does he have any relatives who are less horrible than his dad? Like an Auntie or something he could go to if he explained the situation? Just one weekend a month. Do his siblings who live with him have any interest in their neices / nephews? Could they help by taking them out some of the time?

Billybobranaway · 10/12/2023 22:50

Have you looked at your local cost of living provision? Part of our local offer are warm spaces. These are in all types of places like leisure centres and churches. Many combine them with other free activities like arts and crafts. I know some even offer free drinks and or food. This would give them a couple of hours out of the house plus the travel time.

Maybe an annual ticket to soft play or something like that could be a christmas gift? Even If multiple people contribute. Another option would be a national trust membership, you can pay monthly and they have different events all the time both indoors and outdoors.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:39

@sprigatito thank you, I really mean it Flowers

OP posts:
Eekmystro · 10/12/2023 22:38

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:34

@TomatoSandwiches I'm not, but how else can his situation improve? He is well below ever being able to afford even a bedsit, and there's not employers clamouring to give recovering addicts well paid jobs, funnily enough. He is completely lacking in confidence after years of only having courage from using.
I don't want my kids to visit him at their grandparents forever.

Sorry to ask, but are you sure he wouldn’t relapse and loose any money you gifted him to his addiction? It would just be a shame to loose your stability and end up having the money given to him lost anyway.

sprigatito · 10/12/2023 22:37

Theunamedcat · 10/12/2023 21:39

This is not your issue to solve its his and ex fil

If he is actually suicidal I wouldn't want my kids around him anyway

Sounds like a risky situation for your children recently addict dad stroppy grandad wet lettuce mom who is advocating for the children here

I think calling op a wet lettuce is really unfair. She's in an incredibly difficult position and trying to do what's best for everybody. I doubt you could do any better.

I also wonder whether fil is in the early stages of dementia. I have had several elderly relatives go through it (at the moment it's my dad) and short-temperedness and lack of filter is really common, as is decreased tolerance for normal small-child disruption. It may be that he can't help it. Really ex needs to find ways of occupying the children elsewhere, but I do appreciate how soul-destroying that can be at this time of year. Local museums etc wear thin very quickly. I could suggest projects like architecture spotting, geocaching, scavenger hunts etc but it all sounds laughably out of touch to someone who is skint and depressed 😔

So no useful advice from me, but I think you're doing everything you can and I sympathise.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:37

I might be a bit extra sensitive about this as a friend's eight year son has lost his dad from suicide recently and it's just horrific. Her son is just bawling in pain all the time. It's a pain few get over, losing a parent through suicide. You always think what if and why.

OP posts:
Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:34

@TomatoSandwiches I'm not, but how else can his situation improve? He is well below ever being able to afford even a bedsit, and there's not employers clamouring to give recovering addicts well paid jobs, funnily enough. He is completely lacking in confidence after years of only having courage from using.
I don't want my kids to visit him at their grandparents forever.

OP posts:
Eekmystro · 10/12/2023 22:33

Op sounds like altering contact so the kids have more frequent but shorter bouts of contact with their dad might be preferable. So instead of staying at in-laws for a whole day once a week, he see the.mum a couple of times a week for a few hours each maybe? That’s possible more manageable for him and FIL.

Other than that I’m not sure what you can do. FIL is unlikely to change and it sounds like your ex is in a difficult spot and likely to not be able to manage this extra complexity.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 22:27

Don't be fucking stupid, selling your house to give him a deposit?
Your children need at least one sensible parent, don't sacrifice their home for their father, if he was any kind of decent man he wouldn't accept it anyway, ridiculous.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:26

@EvilElsa he doesn't, no, but I'm strongly suggesting he gets involved with a group. He needs more support than he is currently getting. He tackled cravings by working more hours but that can't continue.

OP posts:
NigelHarmansNewWife · 10/12/2023 22:25

YouBelongWithMe · 10/12/2023 20:44

Would you be comfortable with him spending time with them at your house? I know it's not ideal but neither is the current situation.

It's in the OP that the ex won't go to her house

Catsmere · 10/12/2023 22:23

All three adult children living there, one on the couch, and grandkids over being child-noisy - no wonder grandfather's at the end of his tether, so would I be!

EvilElsa · 10/12/2023 22:22

As a recovering addict does he have any support workers who could help with this situation OP? Give him guidance around housing and/or contact centres? It's great that you offer him so much support with his recovery, but I'd really advise you think strongly on selling your home.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:22

I think I'm just going to suggest less time there in winter and more time out the home. I will ask him to speak to his dad.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 10/12/2023 22:21

Op, please prioritise keeping your house for your children. I think that stability and security will be very important to them.

I appreciate how thoughtful and kind and understanding you are about the father of your children. I don't think you can change your FIL - tbh I imagine life isn't great for him either with 3 adult children living with him, one on the sofa with addiction issues.

Could you limit the time they spend with your ex? I know you need the time off, but honestly I don't think it is a runner at the moment. Maybe have him pick them up at 10 on a sunday, walk them to the park or free museum or shopping center, get a mcdonalds and go back to his parent's place for an hour to play a game- all over at 2 pm, ex then walks them back to you. I'm not sure there really is another solution tbh.

Catsmere · 10/12/2023 22:18

Popfan · 10/12/2023 21:32

Do not sell your house and give money to him! Under no circumstances do that... it's your home and security and your children's too.

He'll just have to have them for less time, a couple of hours rather than a whole day. Could he also see them after school too sometimes, go to a cafe for tea or something?

Not to mention that with DP being a "recovering" addict who doesn't want to go out as it's too tempting, it's not hard to guess where any money he got from OP would go.

Ladybughello · 10/12/2023 22:14

Hi OP, I don’t have any solutions for you but I just wanted to say that I respect you for giving a shit (seemingly unlike most responders on here). ❤️

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 22:11

I disagree with disparaging comments, but you can still consider the ones that aren't.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:10

They have two other adult children living at home who are in the other bedrooms.
I disagree with some of the comments. Would you call a mother who had got clean and was trying her best for her children a 'loser'? Addiction can happen to anyone, it's not a lifestyle choice. It's usually a result of trauma, issues with attachment, undiagnosed neurodivergence or circumstances. No one wants to become an addict.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 10/12/2023 22:04

it is my ex's unreasonable behaviour which ended the relationship

In which case you would be crazy to sell your house to give him money

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 22:01

Yes to these other points!
But also, why on earth IS he sleeping on the sofa? Do they live in a flat?
Where did he live before he was with you? Why can he not go back to that???

GaryLurcher19 · 10/12/2023 21:59

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 10/12/2023 21:35

OP I understand your desire to support your ex but you are enabling him. He needs to manage this situation by talking to his father, parenting his children and playing games with them to entertain them. If you live in a city there will be plenty of free stuff to do but he needs to want to do this.

Do not sell your house to provide your ex with a deposit. If he is a recovering addict that won't go well. Again, it's not your responsibility. I know it's hard but all your compassion is enabling him to continue not improving his situation.

Seconding what this PP says. These are his problems to resolve and it will do him good to tackle them himself. Might be just what he needs.