Ex FIL angry at DC's when they visit

You cannot help or save an addict who is refusing to get professional help. It just isn't possible without becoming a part of the problem. You've done the right things so far. Do not enable him though by doing for him what he could do for himself with professional support. And don't sabotage your family home just to help him out. He does have parents. You are not his parent. And he is an adult anyway.

I speak from experience.

Where did he reside and how did he support himself before he got with you??

If that's what it takes, then maybe. At least alternate Sundays would probably make a huge difference to the FIL. Alternate Sundays at two alternate venues even better.

It's only whilst the weather's bad too. He ) and you) need to be more resilient/amenable to options like this, not doubting them.

You sound lovely OP but I actually think you are possibly harming your children by allowing them continued contact with their dad who is an addict. My mum was an alcoholic in my childhood and had many, many relapses. In my experience it is nearly impossible to get clean and stay clean without professional intervention. I don’t get from your posts that your ex has gone down this route? Which means the likelihood of a relapse being extremely high.

Honestly, in your position, I’d not allow contact until he’d got proper help and had somewhere safe for his kids to visit. You have to protect your kids from this. You can still be kind and tell them that Dad is poorly and needs to get better before he can see them again. If he is suicidal, there is not a single thing you can do to stop this and you need to harden your heart a little because you cannot expose your children to this sort of stuff. Don’t continue contact for your exes benefit over your childrens.

He needs to get a second job if he can’t afford rent not take money from you.

if you have disabled children it would be so unfair to make them move when they’ve already had their parents break up.

I stopped counting when I got to the 2nd “early dementia “post.

Can the armchair psychiatrists PLEASE stop saying this!!! Early onset dementia is an horrific disease and manifests itself in way more ways than someone being a bit grumpy and unreasonable. So please FUCKING STOP IT, unless you have either lived experience or psychiatric qualifications.

Im going to hazard a guess that the children’s grandfather is being a bit of a grumpy bastard because he has 3 adult children living with him, one of whom is sofa surfing there whilst struggling to manage his addiction (well some to him if he’s managing to stay off his substance-I also have experience of an addict in the family) and he’s also then having to deal with said addicts children who in the words of their own mother “aren’t angels”.

I think I’d be a bit of a grumpy bastard if this was how I was living too!

I would suggest talking to FIL.

yes it is annoying but he shouldn’t take it out on children!! He has agreed to house his son and to this arrangement after all, and it is his grandchildren!!
he needs to sort himself out, that’s unacceptable unless he wants to be left without grandchildren at all

I don't know if someone already suggested this but if your town has a nice library they could spend every Sunday there and have a lovely time. Many libraries have board games and puzzles, sometimes video games and tvs where people can play together, comfortable chairs to read together, could be fun programs on the weekend like music, crafts, art fair etc. If the library allows food they could bring a picnic lunch.

I don’t know why everyone is being so hard on you OP. It sounds like you’ve done everything right. You’ve protected your kids from this situation by getting him out of the house. I think you’re being very fair to understand that a lot of this situation is beyond his control. I have no idea what the solution is but it sounds like you have good instincts.

You sound lovely op. I can see why you feel as you do and tbh any spare money I would use to get some therapy for yourself as this guilt you’re feeling seems to perhaps be a trauma response.

Your ex is an addict, who isn’t seeking professional help. It is therefore more likely he will fail.

If he attempts suicide, this is on him, not you. Sorry to sound harsh but you cannot put this upon yourself.

Please stop trying to fix him when he isn’t doing everything he can to fix himself.

I understand that you want the best for your children. The best isn’t trying to fix your ex. The best is putting boundaries up.

Do not. Do not. Put your financial future at jeopardy for him. Giving an addict money is too much temptation so trying to be kind to him could spectacularly backfire. How would you feel if he used that money and overdosed?

If he wants to move out, he can get a room in a flat share. Right now that isn’t on the agenda and I can understand why.

If he is able to secure a tenancy on his own (unlikely), he only needs one week’s rent placed in a deposit insurance scheme, which is non refundable.

As for him spending money on your kids, he needs to save up for that. Is he paying rent at home? How much money does he have at the end of the month?

If you want to help him, maybe talk finances through with him and make suggestions on things he can do with the children. That is as far as you should go tbh. Everything else is treating him as a third child.

You can't fix him and you can't save him, only he can do those things. It might be worth you getting some support around this, like attending a support group for families of addicts, you sound very enmeshed still. Even if you sell your place and uproot your children it sounds like he won't be able to afford a mortgage and what happens if he falls off the wagon? That money could go down the drain. I think the best thing you can do is encourage him to get support from more appropriate avenues rather than you.

ETA; Just seen a later post about giving the deposit to the letting agency directly, are you seriously considering selling your house to give him a rental deposit?

Sorry-I'm in the not letting the children go to him unless he makes better arrangements. Not sure I blame the fil for being a bit grumpy, to be honest-it's a shit situation.

Could he make an arrangement with one of his brothers to use his bedroom on the days the children visit? Then at least they could watch TV.....

@Flyhigher Where does OP say she was an addict? I must have missed it, though I just reread her posts. I took the "would you call a mother who was a recovering addict a loser" comment as meaning it's wrong to say that about her ex.

So were you both addicts then? That's very difficult. You both used at your house?

There are loads of free acrivities to do with children. Look on Eventbrite, since their dad appears to have zero initiative. You’ll find loads. Your ex is lazy and cant be asked to take his children out for a few hours yet you've got all the excuses ready for him. Your FIL is unreasonable, they're his grandchildren and its only once a week. But maybe he's a cantankerous man so won't change.

His situation is not your problem to fix.

You've got a lot of empathy for someone who is not demonstrating that they want to even help themselves.

His domicile and his own dads attitude is his problem, however your kids and yourself are your problem.

Don't send them where they're going to be verbally abused or made to feel unwanted or walk on eggshells. THATS THE STUFF THAT WILL FUCK THEM UP.

It's terribly sad that your ex is an addict and has trauma and all this, but therapy exists. Medications exist. Better jobs with more sociable hours exist.

You can't fix him or his issues.

Stop sending your kids to an environment where they're set up to fail and can't thrive.

Also. you said he has no confidence after years of using so it sounds like you and your children have been around his addiction and the effects long enough.

You are only responsible for your kids.
Your EX is an addict and not in a position to put parenting 1st.
You cannot prevent a suicide, a relapse, keep him clean etc.
His issues are his alone. You have to protect your kids from them as best you can

OP you’ve mentioned that one of your children has additional needs. Could you get him a cinema card (CEA card) which allows carer free, I don’t remember the age but obviously you can check it online. Also there is a scheme called Max card https://mymaxcard.co.uk/ which gives discounts for families of children with additional needs. It’s not much but every little help counts if your ex doesn’t have much money.
Someone mentioned churches, it might be a good option for activities.
It looks like you need to find a hobby which happens outside of the house for all 3 of them.

Why would you sell your house? It's your house. Not his. And he's not entitled to any of it if you weren't married.

I'm sorry he's struggling, but you aren't rolling in it and you have to maintain a home for you and your DCs. He needs to figure something out that doesn't involve you selling a house he has no interest in, a house that his children are housed in!

If he's Christian maybe church? They quite often have social stuff after services as well.

If weather is dry geocaching can keep kids entertained if they like treasure hunt type activities.

Museums could be a day out if you have free ones nearby.

Assuming you're in a big city then he can have a look at what's on guides each weekend, there's often free children's activities around.

Maybe not ideal but does he have a gaming console? If it's the kids running round the house irritating your FIL then ex and dc could have a game they play together somewhere out the way. One of the adult kids in the house might be willing to give their room up for a few hours.

Board games/arts and crafts/lego/baking etc. Something ex is actively doing with the DC while in the house. They're not likely to be interacting much with FIL if they're busy doing an activity with their dad.

Realistically if he can't come to yours and is skint they are going to be in contact with FIL as they'll spend a decent part of the day in the house over winter. How is ex reacting if FIL shouts? Might be worth focusing on what you want him to do.

You can’t solve his problems for him and that’s why you split.
i would keep your own home as he could easily blow any money he gets.
If he’s suicidal then see if you can get him help but you’re no longer responsible for him. It may be better for your children to see him for a few good hours than a very long day.

This man is your ex ..

You can signpost him to support unless he reaches out it will be pointless .

His kids need more .

I absolutely would not sell my house that is the kids security . Pay the deposit - he then needs money for rent . ..easy to loose the lot.

I am not unsympathetic to your ex, truly I understand, addiction has and continto affect my siblings and a parent but what you propose puts your children at risk of losing a stable home which they absolutely do need and is enabling your ex to not take some responsibility for his adult needs.
He needs to get more support and help, these things you can help with, look for support groups, GP visits etc and contacting social housing or schemes for people with addictions but he needs to pay his own way, he needs to take some accountability.

How would you feel giving him a deposit and using that money to relapse?

I think you're right to suggest shorter sessions at the house in winter. If the visits get less stressful so that the children want to go, that would be well worth it.

Could it work to have a family meeting - you, ex, ILs? To try and share ideas and worries?