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Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 09/12/2023 22:18

How long have you lived in his hometown?

If it's more than a year, you really need to prioritise your own networking and friend making.

But that aside, I just wouldn't be with a bloke who's that flaky.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 09/12/2023 22:17

He gives you crumbs op. Don't you deserve so much more?

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 09/12/2023 22:17

Perhaps he's feeling suffocated by your expectations of him and needs to spend time away from you.

Abricot1993 · 09/12/2023 22:16

I don’t post on many threads but you need saving from your low self esteem. If you were my daughter I’d be doing everything I could to give you the confidence and courage to leave him. There is so much better out there and once you love yourself rather than following a man on his terms ( his home town, his nights out, his fun is his priority) you will thank all of us on here and count your blessings and your courage. Big hug

MammaTo · 09/12/2023 22:15

I think this is actually quite a nasty thing of him to do. He’s thought he can sweeten you up by doing all the festive things in the day and sneak out at the last minute.
If he’s had addiction issues and stays at friends after going out I’d probably say he’s still taking stuff and stays out till all hours and then crashes with someone. It’s all very disrespectful.

Katbum · 09/12/2023 22:15

someone who loves you will put you first. You are going to be his wife. You don’t leave your wife at home to go out on the piss with work mates…unless you are not a very deep person. Doesn’t sound like he’s a keeper

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 22:13

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:08

Yes, venue and everything booked for next year.

Do you want this for the rest of your life?

Do you want children?

RedHelenB · 09/12/2023 22:12

I think yabu. Of course he should go to his work do, your anxieties have led to him lying to you in all probability. You're obviously not compatible so I would break up if I were you.

Hellenika · 09/12/2023 22:08

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:59

Interesting that you said that because he only proposed last year, after 11 years together.

I really really wish I could see hope for you with this man because I am aware what we are all advising you is crashing down your life around your ears. This is a classic stringing along on his part. I hope you have a friend or family member you can call and perhaps go and stay with? I hope you are not looking at the possibility of starting over all on your own if you end it with him. It is painful, but I think it’s best for you. After 11yrs, he isn’t going to change, can you live with him being like this for another 50yrs? There is much better out there for you, from what you’ve said you would never do the things he has and is doing to you. ❤️

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:08

Yes, venue and everything booked for next year.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 09/12/2023 22:07

My ex husband was the same. Just popping down the pub for a quick half at 7.30 4/5 hours later he rolls back home having met a random mate. This happened time and time again. He was a selfish inconsiderate arse.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 22:05

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:59

Interesting that you said that because he only proposed last year, after 11 years together.

Have you agreed a date?

eardefender · 09/12/2023 22:04

He doesn’t make you feel happy, safe, loved, secure. What’s the point in marrying someone like that. You don’t share a life plan and values.

Userxyd · 09/12/2023 22:03

Get rid while you're still young and find someone who really wants to be with you. Hes a waste of your energy.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2023 22:00

He can't keep his word, you can't trust him and he won't change, not for you or any children you would have so they would end up permanently disappointed and begging for scraps of attention as well.

samqueens · 09/12/2023 22:00

Oh lord - please don’t marry this man, unless you’re happy to be dealing with the same for the rest of your life… don’t think that when you’re married/pregnant/have three children it’ll be different. He is showing you who he is - HE is his priority. Believe him now and save yourself a LOT of grief.

Circumferences · 09/12/2023 22:00

He needs to "network" with either another woman or a booze up.
He doesn't sound trustworthy. Your gut is telling you the same.

I used to love chilling on the sofa with DP, no one else around, couldn't care less about work colleagues. I mean who genuinely prioritizes work colleagues and "networking" over their partner?? A player. That's who.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 09/12/2023 21:59

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

He needs to leave. JC.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:59

Interesting that you said that because he only proposed last year, after 11 years together.

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 21:58

My ex was like this. My father had just died and he was going out with his workmates which I didn't mind but I said please can you text me later as I'm feeling quite distraught? I just wanted a reassurance message. He didn't bother.

Honestly op it doesn't get better. It's horrible being with someone uncaring.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:57

He usually stays with friends, or at least that's what I'm told. Did have addiction issues long ago, but only has a few drinks every now and then these days. I really don't think (perhaps I'm naive) that there's anyone else because of various reasons like being bery present when he is here, not being sketchy about his phone or things like that.

OP posts:
Hellenika · 09/12/2023 21:57

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:52

Thank you for this considerate response. I do battle with myself about these sort of things because of being told I'm being unreasonable or "don't want him to have a life outside me", which truly is not the case at all. He can be a great person, but I do sometimes wonder if he's a decent one.

Who tells you this? If he is the one saying it, he has been messing with your head.

GrumpyPanda · 09/12/2023 21:56

Time to put yourself front and centre OP.

Globules · 09/12/2023 21:56

I got fed up with this behaviour after a year of it on and off. He's now my ex. You deserve to be treated better than this.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 09/12/2023 21:56

I think that in a normal relationship going to the office party would be normal and expected. You however have been left in the position where it's very uncomfortable for you when he goes out with workmates because he behaves very inappropriately and leaves you in a horrible position.

The answer isn't him just staying in however - if he was a decent human/liked you enough then you wouldn't need to worry because he would come home when he said he would and behave appropriately. He also wouldn't feel the need to change his mind and ditch you, presumably because he felt he was missing out on the party.

He's not the one for you, he sounds inadequate and unfulfilled, which is his problem not yours. Ditch, he will never make you happy.

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