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Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
Nina9870 · 09/12/2023 22:41

Do you have kids? Why does he need to be back at a ‘reasonable hour’?
it just sounds a bit suffocating if I’m honest, I wouldn’t like my husband to ask me to come back from a night out at a specific time- you either trust them or you don’t.
i don’t mean to sound blunt, but if the trust isn’t there then I think you deserve to be with someone who you do trust. The worry and anxiety isn’t worth it x

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 22:41

I can’t help but wonder if he always planned to go but used this tactic to avoid any disagreements between you in the run up to this night out. If that is the case he sounds like a child who doesn’t have much emotional intelligence or any capacity for change. With that in mind I think you have to ask yourself if he is unlikely to change, whether you are willing to accept he’s likely to behave like this around going out in the future as well.

eardefender · 09/12/2023 22:40

You say it yourself in your user name. You are tired of it. Don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy. You are young enough to meet someone who is right for you. Don’t wake up in 10 years with regrets that you married or had kids with someone you always knew fell short. You have the right to be with someone you really love and who really loves you.

PickAChew · 09/12/2023 22:39

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 22:25

wher did she say she’s heavily pregnant?

She didn't but pp compared it to OP's possible. Future.

She's isolated from her own network and he lies to her. It's not unreasonable to be feeling miffed.

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 09/12/2023 22:39

Respectfully I really don't (or think I do) suffocate him. My expectations are fairly standard - love, honesty, kindness and respect.

What do you think he thinks about the fact that you don't have local friends? Might he feel a lot of pressure because of it.

Deciding o go out last minute isn't great if you've arranged to watch movies but it wouldn't be a problem in many relationships. Expecting him to be home at a 'reasonable hour' sounds a bit unreasonable too. You speak of past behaviours, does that mean he had affairs?

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:36

You're not the only one, I was like do they know something I don't?!😂

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:35

I don't trust him in this specific circumstance because of past behaviour. I'm honestly perfectly happy with my own company and have plenty of friends/family I can call for a chat or whatever, they just unfortunately don't live here! I've lived here for a couple of years, referring to it as "his" hometown was more for context I suppose. I also do like to go out, maybe not as much as he does, but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I just knew about it in advance or could rely on his word to be home at a reasonable hour etc.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 09/12/2023 22:33

You don't trust him.

He has proven himself not be be trustworthy on nights out. He also lies.

Why are you with a liar? Why marry someone you no longer trust? Living with him has given you great anxiety. Does this mean you are drugging (antidepressants) yourself to stay with him? Because nobody should do that - what they should do is leave.

InSpainTheRain · 09/12/2023 22:32

My view is that he still has addiction issues. He's been going along all day with the cosy Christmas thing with you - but he can't resist hence the quick change. I say dump and run - he's obviously not reliable, 10 years is a long time and I'm not sure he will marry you if that's what you want. Sorry OP it's time to wise up and find someone who treats you better than that

Nina9870 · 09/12/2023 22:32

Why do you have anxiety about him going to an Xmas do? Is there a backstory?
just trying to understand because my if DP spent all day with me watching films then decided to go to his works do last min, I wouldn’t care.
I do agree with others saying you’re incompatible, I’m really sorry. This will be drawn out for years if you let it and then one of you will have had enough.

Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 22:31

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:28

I'm not pregnant, just fyi!!

Sorry but that made me laugh op! I had reread initial post to see if I'd missed something 🤣

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:28

I'm not pregnant, just fyi!!

OP posts:
Renamed · 09/12/2023 22:28

Oops seem to have read 2 thread titles at once. Ok but it is still shit IMO

Ivegotthepowerr · 09/12/2023 22:26

He sounds unreliable op. Sorry to hear you are going through this. He sounds like someone who needs to be out socialising and it doesn't sound as much as a priority to you. Also leaving with a couple of minute's notice tonight was rude and inconsiderate.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:26

That may have sounded a bit intense, I did mean it in more of a general sense like if I had made plans with him I'd follow through, and just generally take him into consideration because we're supposed to be a team. Of course I have have family and friends that I also prioritise, absolutely!!

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 22:25

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 22:25

wher did she say she’s heavily pregnant?

I was wondering that as well!

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 22:25

wher did she say she’s heavily pregnant?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 22:24

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:08

Yes, venue and everything booked for next year.

Yet you still shouldn't marry him. The writing is on the wall. Ignore it at your own peril.

FastBlueHedgehog · 09/12/2023 22:24

You don't sound very compatible OP and you sound like you don't trust him. How long have you lived in "his hometown"? My DH lives where I grew up in but he refers to it as his home and not "my wife's hometown". Your post seems to imply that you don't like him going out because you will be on your own as don't know anyone to go out with. Do you not like being on your own? I'd be bloody annoyed if I didn't know where my partner was though.

OhGoodie · 09/12/2023 22:23

People he “needs” to network with out of the blue… oh yeah, what’s her name?

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 22:23

Re-read what you've written about him in your first post and think about whether you would advise anyone to marry someone who treated them like that. He's really awful. It would be bad enough if you had children and therefore a reason to be at home but you don't - he's just left you at home on your own while he's gone out to play.

Renamed · 09/12/2023 22:22

You made plans together. He got bored. He went out.

If this was a relative, you’d be miffed, but maybe think, ah the hell with them.

If this was a friend, you’d be offended and really consider whether you’d ever make plans with them again.

This is your partner, who’s just walked off and left you hanging, not because of a row or anything, just because he felt like it. And you’re heavily pregnant.

WhateverMate · 09/12/2023 22:21

Mind you, I'm not sure this bit sounds healthy...

"just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day."

I've been with my husband nearly 23 years and I wouldn't give him priority all day, every day.

There are plenty of people who will be more of a priority for different reasons at different times, such as my family and friends.

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 22:20

He already knew that he would go for his work party. He agreed to do things at home with you during the day to ‘appease’ you.

Did he make it back when he said he would? Did he communicate while he was out? How did the night end OP

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:19

Respectfully I really don't (or think I do) suffocate him. My expectations are fairly standard - love, honesty, kindness and respect.

OP posts:
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