Page 6 | Fiancé has let me down again?

TiredFiancée · 2023-12-09T21:39:46+00:00

So long story short - My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on). I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out. We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this. This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day. Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do? Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 23:13

OP you’re explaining yourself too much already. Also you don’t need to respond to every comment. Just take the advice you need and ditch the ones you don’t.

and no coming back by 5/6 am is outrageous!! Is he a famous celebrity by any chance lol because what is he doing out till then. Signing autographs? Lol

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 23:08

@Random2243 unrelated but I didn’t know men were on MN haha.

I may be wrong I don’t think OP’s issue is the actual work party her DP went for. It could have been a birthday party for all we care. The problem is her DP going incommunicado/coming back very late in the morning etc that her DP has exhibited on so many of his nights out and so she knows tonight will be no different.

TeaGinandFags · 09/12/2023 23:08

He's shown you what he thinks of you.

Believe him.

Now show yourself some respect and leave him to his networking and booze.

Original poster

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 23:06

I'm really appreciating all of your responses, was not expecting even one so thank you for your input. Even if they're not easy to hear I really needed to get this off my chest so again, thanks for taking the time. I'm trying to answer all questions quickly and honestly!

OP posts:

ValerieDoonican · 09/12/2023 23:06

5 in the morning is unreasonable. Of course it is. No wonder you get anxious. I think the important question for me is - why have you put up with this so long.

You are being played for a fool.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/12/2023 23:05

I was a bit on the fence until I saw your updates that he has had addiction issues in the past, he frequently stays out for the entire night, and that once he just ditched you whilst on a night out with you without even bothering to let you know.

I literally can't think of a single excuse not to message someone that you'd been split up from them. In fact I've been in similar situations and the person I was with didn't have their phone, and got random people to come inside and look for me and tell me he was waiting for me outside. That's what a normal person would do

Original poster

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 23:02

I can't speak for him but actively encourage his seperate interests etc away from me so I don't know why that would cause any pressure to be honest. I do work full-time, have hobbies, have my family and close friends and all that and am happy in my own company so I'm always keen to give/receive space. No affairs, and I addressed the "reasonable hour" thing in an earlier reply - I don't think 5/6 am or not coming home at all ,without any contact is reasonable - within my personal boundaries.

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 23:01

Oops just seen that he actually left you on a night out. That is absolutely unforgivable.

This man doesn’t not respect you at all. It takes a certain type of character to do that to the one he loves.

Youd be absolutely crazy to stick around a minute longer!!

Tilllly · 09/12/2023 22:58

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

I would be furious if my DH did this

But he doesn't and wouldn't, because he loves and respects me and how I feel is important to him

grumpycow1 · 09/12/2023 22:56

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

Raise your bar.

If a partner I’d been with for 11 YEARS just left me on a night out like this and didn’t care how I got home, that would be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He doesn’t respect you. Do you want this to be your life if you have kids and be stuck in a place far from your family and friends?

Move home. Leave him, he won’t change, as much as you hope he will. You’re not compatible and he seems like a selfish bell end.

Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 22:56

@TiredFiancée I have no idea why people keep going on about children.

But yes if this is a continual thing it doesn't look like you're compatible. I understand about not living near friends as I don't either, I moved away to settle elderly relative. Nearest friend is probably 45 minutes away.

I have never fallen in love again after ex nor had children and don't want same thing to happen to anyone else.

Random2243 · 09/12/2023 22:55

It’s a complicated one - on the one side he has let you down, and that’s not okay, on the flip side I also recognise the importance of networking and sometimes with big work parties senior execs fly over on short notice and you may only have one or two times a year to socialise and influence.

I don’t know his job / role - but sometimes those nights socialising can make you £50-100k depending on the role.

I think the main issue here is communication and expectations.

I’m fortunate I have a very accommodating wife and I have been in similar situations in the past, but we’ve always discussed it and if she really says no, then I’ll prioritise her, but more often than not, she will say - go, we can lay on the sofa and watch movies tomo, go do your thing.

Tilllly · 09/12/2023 22:55

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:08

Yes, venue and everything booked for next year.

And you think it will happen?

You sound isolated
He sounds unreliable
He doesn't put you first, you are anxious to please / keep the peace

Does he make you happy? Because this relationship sounds really hard work

Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 22:55

Does he have the sniffles after these nights out?

Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 22:55

5 or 6am well sorry but I’d suspect cocaine usage as that’s what usually keeps people awake as most normal folk couldn’t handle being awake all night after drinking

of course he was planning it all along - I think you need to run from this one!

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 22:52

I’d be questioning if he really is in recovery if I were you. It sounds like he prioritises staying out drinking over you and lies and is secretive in order to have nights out.

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 22:52

Just get rid. He's not considerate towards you. End it x

EnidSpyton · 09/12/2023 22:50

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

Good lord, woman!

Have some self respect.

He doesn't love or respect you. His behaviour is consistently showing you this.

Leave. Now. Before you are legally tied, and before you have children with him.

Why do so many women have such low standards for themselves?

Original poster

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:48

Absolutely, we've all been on nights out where you get caught up or have a few too many and lose track of time! I'm talking about if someone tells you it'll be about 11 or whatever, and then shows up at 5 or 6am it's a bit different and a quick text to let me know isn't too much to ask for. In relation to always planning to go out, that's quite hurtful because I'd like to think I'm a reasonable person and understanding - just feel like a mug that I planned a whole night in for us only to be left in the lurch last minute.

OP posts:

Iscreamtea · 09/12/2023 22:47

Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back.

This man has no respect for you.

Katbum · 09/12/2023 22:46

If there is a healthy dynamic with trust and affection and all that, then last minute decision to go out wouldn’t be an issue. In this case you have evidence he isn’t trustworthy on nights out. Ffs if my DH left me to go home alone on a night out and regularly went awol after drinking I’d be considering divorce…total disrespect and honestly there is likely something shady going on. You don’t just evaporate unless you are hiding something. This man sounds immature and disrespectful and just not kind. Don’t ruin your life by having kids with him.

Original poster

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:45

I appreciate your honesty! Most pubs where we are close at 2 at the latest , so for me reasonable is not coming back at 5 or 6 am, especially when I have work in the morning and now there's people in my house trying to continue the party! I don't give him an ultimatum or a "bedtime", a quick text to say it's going late is all I want so I know the story!

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Calvinlookingforhobbs · 09/12/2023 22:44

Had he told you earlier that he wanted to go out, how would you have reacted?

Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 22:43

This depends

Are you saying he told you he’d be home at 11 for example and didn’t return until an hour or so later?

I mean the thing is you can’t just suddenly end your night out because you need to get back because you told your wife you’d be home. And the phone well after a few beers you are chatting and in deep conversation so you aren’t really thinking about your wife/gf at home

I have in the past asked my other half when they’d be home but I realised it was sort of a silly question !! Because how would they know and quite frankly it annoyed them and me when they didn’t arrive back when said

Also he was always planning to out he just didn’t want the aggro of you in the lead up to the event so didn’t tell you

And that is what happens when you try to change people - either accept him or move on

Original poster

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

OP posts: