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Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 10/12/2023 00:53

Stop concentrating on the few posters who are calling you boring or similar. The overwhelming majority are telling you that he’s not worth your time.

Why are you listening to the very tiny minority rather than the vast majority?

SequentialAnalyst · 10/12/2023 00:45

@dorriss the thread is not about what you think is boring to do in the evening.

Your post does imply that OP's fiance should leave, though, and is too cowardly to do so. In that, I would agree with you - but I expect the fiance also thinks that it's quite handy to have a woman supporting him in the background...

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/12/2023 00:45

Sometimes though the worst of their behaviour is not acceptable to have to put up with and forgive over and over again. I stayed with my ex for way longer than I should have because I endured his unacceptable bad behaviour because I loved him.

I've since learned that it's actually ok to end a relationship with someone you love.

Sometimes love just ain't enough....🎼🎤

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:40

I appreciate all comments, advice and input but this is really reductive. Watching Xmas movies is something we do after putting up decorations every year, might sound boring but also isn't exactly something we do every weekend. There's a bit more nuance to this than just "she's boring, let the man have a life". Also if he's "outgrown" this (ironic) then that should have been communicated or possibly even been a deterrent to the proposal last year.

OP posts:
AloneAgain2023 · 10/12/2023 00:39

Abricot1993 · 09/12/2023 22:16

I don’t post on many threads but you need saving from your low self esteem. If you were my daughter I’d be doing everything I could to give you the confidence and courage to leave him. There is so much better out there and once you love yourself rather than following a man on his terms ( his home town, his nights out, his fun is his priority) you will thank all of us on here and count your blessings and your courage. Big hug

Very much this!! As someone who also has low self esteem, I say please don’t simply accept crumbs from someone who should love & treasure you. You deserve more than that. I beg you not to marry this man. I’ve recently got divorced from someone who for a few years had ‘one foot out of the door’, and the lack of trust and crumbling confidence has done a huge amount of damage to me. As hard as it is to upend your life, please make that change and leave. Work on yourself and gain some confidence and strength. 💐

@RedHelenB @howdoesyourgardengrowinmay I think the poster deserves a bit more empathy than your way of putting things! She clearly lacks confidence and is basically with a pretty shitty kind of guy who doesn’t consider her very much, however you dress it up.

Tonight1 · 10/12/2023 00:32

Tonight1 · 10/12/2023 00:29

One of the many things that made me leave ex was that I asked him if he would take care of me if I became ill. He said no.

You deserve better.

Oops I meant that he said yes he would leave me if I became ill 😳

dorriss · 10/12/2023 00:32

poster has not squandered her youth.she has options.he wanted to go out but stayed in with her and why the hell are they watching xmas movies ??...it all sounds so prescriptive and boring,.he wants a life and yes he is behaving badly but this is because he does not want the life with her. He has outgrown it and is cowardly.Leave

Merryoldgoat · 10/12/2023 00:31

After all of these years he isn’t changing, is he? He doesn’t want to. He tells you what you want to hear and does what he wants for no regard to your feelings.

You are not important to him. If you were he’d actually think about your feelings and show care for them.

SequentialAnalyst · 10/12/2023 00:31

I could have written what you just wrote OP. And I did keep forgiving him. And hoping he would step up and fulfil his potential. And any little progress had my heart lifting.

I was fooling myself. The man I thought I was in love with didn't exist - if I was, indeed, in love, which is questionable, it was with the man I thought he would become. But all he wanted was to cocklodge (so different from yours, but still unreliable and selfish). I also thought if I could be hurt by his actions, that I must be in love with himShock

After my divorce, I did meet a Lovely Man, and discovered what true love is, soppy as that may sound.

EnidSpyton · 10/12/2023 00:30

@TiredFiancée

There’s nothing wrong with believing the best in someone and forgiving them.

What is wrong is allowing someone to consistently show disrespectful and unloving behaviour towards you for a decade and still choosing to believe that they love and respect you.

Your fiancé does not give you the love and respect you give him. He never has. You are doing all the work in this relationship.

So now you need to show yourself some love and respect and walk away. You deserve better than a life spent constantly having to forgive someone else’s unacceptable behaviour.

Tonight1 · 10/12/2023 00:29

One of the many things that made me leave ex was that I asked him if he would take care of me if I became ill. He said no.

You deserve better.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:20

I understand where you're coming from,and obviously can see why it would be hard to get why I do love and care for him. Obviously here I'm talking about the absolute worst of his behaviour (and no I don't think that all his great points excuse this, not in the slightest). I might seem like a very weak woman but I don't think being forgiving or trying to believe the best in someone is inherently a negative trait. Yes, absolutely I should have high standards and I actually do and try to communicate this in a healthy manner. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of leaving someone I truly love and have a lot of shared history with. I do thank you for your advice, honestly, just wanted to explain that I am not actually a doormat or someone who in no way respects themselves.

OP posts:
HamBone · 10/12/2023 00:20

I’m afraid I agree with PP’s, if you’re not happy now just before your wedding, it doesn’t bode well.

I would start making plans to leave, perhaps you could move closer to your family and friends. Get yourself out of this situation. 💐

grumpycow1 · 10/12/2023 00:16

velvetstars · 09/12/2023 23:25

I despair.

You went on a night out with your DP & his friend. He left you on your own and went off with his mate, wouldn't take your calls/msgs and left you to make your own way home.

The fact you didn't leave him after this just blows my mind.

Have some self respect, you get one life and you're wasting it on someone who doesn't love you or respect you. Head back to your family and friends before xmas. Make plans with them and start the new year with a fresh slate. There is nothing for you where you are right now and 11yrs of this shows that there never will be.

This. I really hope you take all the advice OP and find happiness with someone who respects you. 💐

EnidSpyton · 10/12/2023 00:13

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

You’ve already wasted a decade of your life on this man.

Please have some self respect and leave before you allow yourself to waste any more of your precious time on this earth on a man who doesn’t give a shit about you.

I really cannot understand women like you who genuinely believe being miserable in a relationship is better than being alone.

If you want to spend the rest of your life feeling unloved, frustrated, lonely and disappointed then go ahead and marry him. You know exactly what you’re signing up for. What I can’t understand is why you think that’s a life that’s worth having.

It’s honestly like you’re living in the 1950s and can’t imagine a life without being shackled to a man, even if he treats you like a doormat. Utterly bizarre.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/12/2023 00:10

I know I shouldn't speak for others, but a very close friend too had similar reservations but went ahead with the wedding, she too left him within a year of the wedding. Of course regretted marrying him in the first place when she'd had doubts.

A lot of us have made this mistake, please listen to our great wisdom!

ETA and this same friend had her own reservations about my upcoming marriage (that was years before her mistake), but she didn't say anything, I REALLY wish she had. It's so hard to jump off that wedding train once you're on it but believe me, it's better to pull the emergency cord and jump off than to stay on it.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2023 00:07

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change.

This is exactly what will happen. You already know it will. Yet here you are, marching straight ahead into disaster.

It's honestly absolutely insane. You have a choice, stop behaving like you don't.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/12/2023 00:07

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

My realisation hit me on our wedding night. Big time.

The honeymoon was hell.

I told him it was over within a year of the wedding.

I felt so stupid at the time BUT that doesn't matter, I was young at the time and cared too much about what other people would think, but I'm older and wiser now and I wish I hadn't given a fuck, because it was my life. I moved on, enjoyed some time to myself for a couple of years before meeting my now second/current lol husband, who's mainly great 😂

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

OP posts:
justasking111 · 10/12/2023 00:02

Only one of you has matured in 11 years and it's not him. You're a comfortable piece of the furniture now.

We can't know if he's a coke head, cheater,, but we do know he'll make you unhappy.

Call off the wedding before you waste too much money.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 09/12/2023 23:54

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:48

Thanks for your response, can I ask why you think that?

I agree.
He has no respect for you . Can’t keep to his word puts staying out all night before you .
What is it he’s doing and who is he with when he’s out all night?
You are not his priority . He is his priority .
He’s selfish and possibly many other things too.
Go back to your home town and start to build your own life.
He’s wasting your time and years and so are you .

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/12/2023 23:52

OP, you do have my sympathy, though. I'll bet 90% of the people on this thread have been in your shoes one way or another. The longer you stay the more difficult to leave. Scroll the myriad similar posts to yours on this forum. Undoubtedly you'll see yourself over and over. You'll also see far worse that could be you in the future/not too distant future.
You really are worth more. 🩷🩷🩷🩷

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/12/2023 23:52

You're no longer compatible (if you even ever were).

He doesn't respect you.

If I were you, I'd leave and move back close to your friends and family. Please do not marry him, because things won't improve, if anything, if you go through with the wedding, you may very well have that sudden realisation of what a mistake you've made, sadly, I know that feeling all too well. My biggest regret was not calling off the wedding, and not moving back to be close to my friends and family. Don't make the same poor choices that I did.

StaunchMomma · 09/12/2023 23:50

He's shown you his priorities, OP. You need to decide if you want a life of this or not because he's not going to change.

I'm sure there'll be lots of people along to tell you that it's normal and that you should just let him go out, usually because they're married to men who spend a lot of time at the pub/football/golf etc, but if that's not something you are prepared to put up with (I certainly wouldn't) then, as a PP said, it all comes down to compatibility, really.

Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2023 23:48

I think he's a coke head.

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