Fiancé has let me down again?

Forgiveness is a great quality, but forgiveness must be earned. If you forgive him over and over again but his actions never change, that's not forgiveness that's appeasement. He's treating you with contempt, he's treating you like a doormat.

As an earlier poster said 'would you treat the most important person in your life so carelessly?'. If he loved you as he claims he wouldn't be doing this.

I don’t think the OP realises at all what is happening to her. She is claiming that this is only a small part of him and he has good points. Murderers and abusers do to but that doesn’t mean you should marry one?!

When a man shows you this level of disrespect that spills over - it doesn’t stop there, you cannot see this. However I predict you will stay with this man and you will continue to sacrifice your own boundaries in order to accommodate his needs, wants and desires.

The writing here is on the wall.

Then he’s shown you who he is, and you have to choose if you can live with that. You can’t expect him to never go out again; and you can’t live with the anxiety around him being out. It’ll destroy you both. Him turning down the Christmas party and then going anyway proves that. Your reaction to his past behaviour is to be controlling on this front, even if it’s unintentional

He ditched you in a pub for his friends…

Honestly, I’ve been here and it hurts, but this isn’t it for him. He doesn’t respect you. You know it, too. You want a partner who would never dream of leaving you in a pub by yourself and never contacting you again, because they care about you.

He may as well take out signage to show that he doesn’t, I’m afraid. You deserve a lot better.

Your fiancé does not give you the love and respect you give him. He never has. You are doing all the work in this relationship.

Very much this. However much you love him, he doesn't make you happy and can't be bothered to try.

Loving someone is not an instruction to put up with their shit you know.

You have a clear choice. Carry on and accept that this will be your life, even once married and even if you have children. He will not change and he will not respect you.

Or you can recognise that you want something better and have that conversation with him. You can tell him it's not working for you and if he wants to continue this attitude then it's the end of the road.

It depends on whether you are content to put up with this (whatever this is, drugs, OW or just friends being more important than you) or not.

He can be a great person, but I do sometimes wonder if he's a decent one

This sentence really stuck out to me.

Why are you marrying him if you don't know if he is decent?

That's the bare minimum you want in a life partner. You need to be able to trust him. I don't mean in a 'is he snogging other women' type way either. I mean if it came down to it, would you trust him with your life? Because if not, you need to break this off. You deserve more.

I’m surprised by the responses on the thread. I think YABU OP. Of course your partner should go to his work Christmas do above staying in with you and watching films. He shouldnt have said he wasn’t going and then changed his mind at the last minute, but it sounds like he felt emotionally blackmailed into saying that, as he knew that going would cause you “hurt and anxiety”?? This isn’t right at all. You say it’s because of past behaviour , but refer to that behaviour as him not coming home “on time” or at a “reasonable hour.” He’s a grown man, why does he have a curfew?? It’s not like you have kids and he’s leaving all the hard work to you. yes if he was going out all the time until all hours and never spending time with you, you would have a point, but he should be allowed to go to his Christmas work do , and stay as late as he wants!! You’re not preg, you don’t have kids, you are both in your early 30s! Let him have a social life, and you should get one too.
He sounds passive and avoidant - which are not good qualities in a partner - hence instead of setting boundaries with you (telling you he’s likely to be out late to tonight ) he’s trying to pacify you in the moment , by telling you what you want to hear, and then avoiding picking up his phone. But you sound needy and controlling- which are also issues.
i agree with others that you are not compatible and this relationship is not healthy.

I've read all op's posts. She sounds controlling and inflexible and like she only wants what she says to happen. Like all the arguments are because he won't do what she says, when she says it.

Yes he might go out all night but so what? Lock up, go to bed, and leave him to it.

Or leave. He won't change and all the controlling and trying to educate him obviously isnt going to. I wouldn't be 10 years into a relationship like this, I have got standards thanks.

Have you read the whole thread? 😵‍💫 he’s a twat. His behaviour has made the OP understandably twitchy. She’s not a red flag. If you have low standards, fine, but not everyone does.

Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

The three of you were out and they fucked off, leaving you on your own in the pub, and didn’t tell you they’d left?! What the fuck?

Why are you putting up with this low quality man?

Why does he need to be in when you say so though? You don't have children. I'd really like to hear his side of this. You sound like a walking red flag, op, imo.

This post says it all to me.

You are not going into your wedding dreaming of a future together and are happy.

You are worried about sunk costs and regret. BEFORE you marry.

Wakey wakey. He's Mr convenient right now comfortable shoes can't be arsed getting out of the relationship because that's scary and hard. He's not Mr right.

I think your body / gut instinct is warning you that there is something wrong with this picture before you get married. Honestly, his need to keep going out would give me the ick.

Blimey. You are young. Life is supposed to be fun. You are supposed to love him and him you, and be happy to spend time together. To be relaxed together and able to share thoughts, feelings and experiences.

It's not supposed to be angst and worry and feeling let down.

Yes, all relationships have bad patches but the majority of the time, especially when you are young, carefree and in the run up to an exciting, fun , romantic wedding, should be the the best days. Not the days you survive or 'get through'.

Seriously aim higher, expect more, corny phrase but learn to love yourself a bit more and you'll see that you are worth so much more than the scraps you seem to be getting.

Focus on you, and take it from there. If you are happy and love yourself, happiness and love will find you.

Ten years of rinse and repeating. Nothing has changed, neither his appalling behavior nor your reaction. He knows he can dismiss your feelings and boundaries and act like a single man as much as he wants — and you’ll be going nowhere.

This is who he is, @TiredFiancée. Your love and respect are not reciprocated. It’s sad that you are settling for this utter contempt and callous disregard.

Putting your future in the hands of such a self-serving, entitled, unempathetic man would be very foolish.

Lack of confidence needs to be worked on but ultimately OP needs to decide if her dose love of socialising is a deal breaker.

Just wanted to say that you deserve better. Cannot believe that he left you in a pub to make your own way home and was not even concerned for your safety and how you would get home. Why did he not ring you to come out. That in itself would have been enough for me to have left as he sounds selfish and him and his friend up to no good, probably off to a party or to do drugs.
I think he was either meeting up with friends for drinking/drugs or to meet someone.
Please do not waste your life on him as you will so regret it. Now you are in the situation it seems hard to think clearly but if you just got away for a few days it would help. Can you go home to your folks for a few days to think things through and talk to your mum or friends.
Imagine if you had a baby and he was out all night and the nights out would become more frequent for him as having a small baby puts a lot of stress on even the most solid of relationships.
You mentioned that you have been with him so long but that is not a reason to stay. Believe me time on your own for a while, build up your confidence and you will realize how relaxed you are and your spirits will lift.
Life is too short to be with someone who does not respect you enough to make sure you get home safely and he just disappears with a friend.
Look after yourself and put yourself first and love yourself more as he will not change but will get worse.

What was the reason he gave for not being able to get back into the pub? What was his explanation as to why he didn't text you to tell you he was leaving? Did he leave you in the pub on your own?

I was in a relationship once where he would do disappearing acts or would come home in the middle of the night. It was largely related to drinking, and made me really anxious. And he knew this but still did it. It's a horrible way to live.

He also dropped you at the last minute tonight, breaking his promise. Does he have an addiction problem or something? Or does he just lack respect and caring for you? I'm really interested to know what your relationship is like otherwise? Why are you together?

Sounds like he was on a promise. I think the engagement is his way of keeping you sweet.

Move on already. He's shown you who he is.

Here's the thing. Many of us have been where you are. I was married to someone very much like this.
Love is not enough on its own. You've been together a hefty amount of time. If he was going to change he would have done it by now.

Think about how he's treating you tonight. THIS is your future. Every single time. Is this what you really want? You can love someone with everything you have, but it's not enough. He doesn't respect your boundaries. Hell, he doesn't even care when he's out with you, let alone when he's not.

most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all

He is behaving like a single man, and should therefore remain single. This relationship will not work. Do not marry him or have children with him.