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Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
Bluebellsbells · 10/12/2023 19:53

You have made an amazing first step towards a happy healthy future. I understand you need to get all your ducks in a row. But by pre warning him of you leaving he's going to do one of two things- he's going to love bomb you, convince you to stay (he will mean none of it, he just wants his life to continue as it is and relies on you for this) or he's going to be incredibly difficult. Either way be strong, the end goal is happiness and none of this is. You can't live your life with a drunk, you can't have a family with a drunk, you can't have a happy future with a drunk- and if he hasn't changed over the past 11 years your influence is not going to change him.

GreatGateauxsby · 10/12/2023 19:45

Fair play to you for calling it off.if you start wavering I’d point you also shouldn’t marry someone with a drinking problem…

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 19:40

I'm okay, but not at the same time - if you know what I mean. Just exhausted from it all. He did come home, sent a text at about 3 and then showed up at 4.30. He actually wasn't that drunk and definitely hadn't taken anything, plus I do know the people he said he was with until then so I really don't think there was another woman or anything like that involved.

He was all apologies but I told him that I didn't really want to talk about it as I was upset He had admitted that he has an issue with drinking, which is more than he's said before and that he's going to to seek h3lp and possibly therapy for the underlying issues he has. (I know, still all just words and not action - not just taking this at face value)

I have told him now that the writing is on the wall and I cannot marry someone who treats me with so little respect and care. I am making plans to leave, haven't outright broken up but want/need to get my ducks in a row first.

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 10/12/2023 18:23

Hope you're OK OP? Has he turned up yet? I hope you've told him it's over. Besides all the other bullshit yesterday and was obviously planned. Buttered you up all day, led you to believe he was staying home with you and then pissed off as planned.
There's no way this man respects you, let alone loves you. It will be sad after all this time but it will be the best Christmas present to yourself to end this relationship.

itsmylife7 · 10/12/2023 17:58

I heard this line in a song.
" A promise is a comfort to a fool "

and I thought that's a powerful truth. Don't be a fool any longer OP.

furtivetussling · 10/12/2023 17:50

You are doing the same thing over and over and over again, and expecting a different result.

Why?

Statementdress · 10/12/2023 17:29

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:20

I understand where you're coming from,and obviously can see why it would be hard to get why I do love and care for him. Obviously here I'm talking about the absolute worst of his behaviour (and no I don't think that all his great points excuse this, not in the slightest). I might seem like a very weak woman but I don't think being forgiving or trying to believe the best in someone is inherently a negative trait. Yes, absolutely I should have high standards and I actually do and try to communicate this in a healthy manner. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of leaving someone I truly love and have a lot of shared history with. I do thank you for your advice, honestly, just wanted to explain that I am not actually a doormat or someone who in no way respects themselves.

Pay no heed to the posters making you feel foolish for not ditching him sooner.

they’ve obviously never been in an abusive relationship ( and he is being abusive). He obviously never started out that way.

its the boiling a frog analogy- put a frog in cold water and slowly heat it up. The frog won’t get out as it doesn’t notice the increasing temperature until it’s too late - that’s what abusive relationships are like.

The good thing is you’ve noticed before you’ve married him. Honestly, you’ve dodged a bullet.

AutumnFroglets · 10/12/2023 13:16

I'm afraid of leaving someone I truly love and have a lot of shared history with.
But he doesn't love you back. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't even think about you.

Start loving yourself more. Because right now you don't love yourself even a tiny bit, and it shows.

lemmein · 10/12/2023 12:47

Just read that he left you on a night out - WTF OP? Shock

Id put money on him being a coke-head.

This stuck out to me,

I might seem like a very weak woman but I don't think being forgiving or trying to believe the best in someone is inherently a negative trait.

You are forgiving someone who isn't even sorry, what's the point? Go back to your family op, I bet they're expecting you!

lemmein · 10/12/2023 12:26

My DD was with someone like this - he was an alcoholic and coke addict. Id leave, you'll never have peace of mind with someone like this.

justasking111 · 10/12/2023 12:26

My DH when young tied on a few. Once on Christmas eve when I had a two week old baby. At 2am I sent his father out to look for him I was scared witless. Probably because my father never drank with mates only when out with mother I was a bit naive.

Rorymyers · 10/12/2023 11:35

@Tandora

He’s a grown man, why does he have a curfew?? It’s not like you have kids and he’s leaving all the hard work to you.

Relationships talk-less of marriages are based on communication. All this talk about curfew is your own imagination as OP never mentioned anything about that. All she asked for is communication.

if my husband goes out and says he’ll be back by 12am and he’s not then I expect a text at some point telling me when he’ll be back. He expects same of me. It’s accountability and this is expected in any basic relationship.

Her complaints include her finance going incommunicado as soon as he walks out the door and not coming back until the next morning. On several occasions she doesn’t even know where he has been or where he slept.
how is this acceptable behaviour in any way shape or form.

to your comment of it’s not like they have kids …ok what about when they do have kids. Would OP’s fears be more valid then? Mind you that man ain’t gonna change and she’ll be on MN in two years with the same issue.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 10/12/2023 11:18

Rorymyers · 10/12/2023 11:13

@ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy I've read all op's posts. She sounds controlling and inflexible and like she only wants what she says to happen. Like all the arguments are because he won't do what she says, when she says it.

seems you’re the only one who got that impression. Perhaps you need to look in the mirror.

Yes he might go out all night but so what? Lock up, go to bed, and leave him to it.

are* *you being serious or are you being a troll. So in a couple of years when she has a newborn will it still be ok if he stays out all night???

You definitely have bottom barrel pick me syndrome because you are sympathising with the fiancé’s behaviour. In another post you called OP a red flag. You’re the only red flag in this thread.

if you’re a woman then you are clearly accepting crumbs and if you’re a man you’re okay behaving like this. 😒

OP please do us all a favour and ignore this time waster.

😂😂😂 my dh would never behave like this.

If he is still doing this to op and her newborn in a few years, that's on her because at that point, it's a choice, isn't it? She can walk away now, anything further he does to her is on her.

People can only do to you what you let them.

Sapphire387 · 10/12/2023 11:17

OP, this is the life you are signing up for if you go ahead and marry him. He won't change. Even if/when you have kids- I can guarantee you. You'll be up looking after the baby and wondering where the hell he is, who he's with, and when he will be home.

Doesn't sound like much of a life to me.

Rorymyers · 10/12/2023 11:13

@ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy I've read all op's posts. She sounds controlling and inflexible and like she only wants what she says to happen. Like all the arguments are because he won't do what she says, when she says it.

seems you’re the only one who got that impression. Perhaps you need to look in the mirror.

Yes he might go out all night but so what? Lock up, go to bed, and leave him to it.

are* *you being serious or are you being a troll. So in a couple of years when she has a newborn will it still be ok if he stays out all night???

You definitely have bottom barrel pick me syndrome because you are sympathising with the fiancé’s behaviour. In another post you called OP a red flag. You’re the only red flag in this thread.

if you’re a woman then you are clearly accepting crumbs and if you’re a man you’re okay behaving like this. 😒

OP please do us all a favour and ignore this time waster.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 10/12/2023 11:13

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

He will never change . He doesn’t want to
or need to . Like you said 10 years. He knows you will just put up with whatever he throws at you and he knows you won’t leave.

You need to show him different don't waste anymore years . Find someone who puts you first .

AhBiscuits · 10/12/2023 11:13

I don't think it's a sustainable situation that he can't go out without going over the top.

10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 10:43

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 01:02

Also I guess that I was having a knee-jerk response to those opinions because they're the doubts about myself I was having to begin with - am I boring, controlling, unreasonable etc.

You are none of those things. Looking at your follow-up posts, you are incredibly reasonable and not at all controlling in any way.

Your partner is not going to change. He breaks his promises, has no self-control, he lies to you and also has past addiction issues (which I suspect might not be as ‘past’ as you think). He will never be reliable and he will never put your first. He is selfish. He is making you miserable.

Trust me, I have been there with a partner who ‘disappeared’ on a regular basis and repeatedly decided to go out drinking on the spur of the moment regardless of other plans. Do not marry this man. He isn’t a good person.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/12/2023 10:37

Don't you get it, OP, he left you in the pub deliberately, he walked away knowing you were inside waiting for him and made no attempt to text / get in touch. He's sending you very clear messages and you're just not paying attention. Whatever the reasons are, he's just not into you and he's constantly messing you around. Wake up and smell the coffee. Do not make plans to marry him. Dump him . He's not going to change. What's it going to take for you to understand this?

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2023 10:33

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

If it's been this many years of work to get him to see your PoV and it hasn't worked and he can still be a complete arse about it, can you honestly say it's been worth it?

Cut your losses and find someone who respects you.

GreatGateauxsby · 10/12/2023 10:31

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

This is not a baseless fear.

It's grounded in reality.

You are the definition of sunk cost fallacy.

I would engage in pre wedding counselling (on your own) at the very minimum

zingally · 10/12/2023 10:26

You've been together over a decade, engaged but not married - why? What's stopping you from making the step to marriage?

Reading between the lines, you don't trust him, and he's lost patience in tip-toeing around you.

It's time to draw a line under this relationship and move on.

Americano75 · 10/12/2023 10:16

Been married to a man like this. It's miserable. Please think carefully about committing to him.

Cherrysoup · 10/12/2023 10:01

Oh dear. He doesn’t respect or prioritise you and repeatedly does this. Saying he couldn’t get back in the pub that time is bullshit, he’s off with his mates who are clearly more fun than you, sorry. I don’t mean you’re boring, but listen to him when he ‘tells’ you what he prefers. Please tell me you don’t have dc with this idiot?

converseandjeans · 10/12/2023 09:39

You need to get your own social life. Don't sit home waiting for a message from him.

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