To be bothered by how easy things can be for some

There’s always going to be people worse off and people better off. Luckily it’s not a competition.

Maybe her mum is terribly ill.

Maybe it's all for show and behind closed doors, everything is not so rosy.

Maybe they have a fertility struggle.

Maybe he's being bullied at work.

Maybe she has terrible anxiety.

Maybe the family business is about to go under.

Maybe he's suffering from depression.

You don't know the personal situation of this couple. You know what you're shown.

I was terribly envious of a friend, married a multi millionaire, big house, flash cars, alllll the holidays. Always big smiles and #blessed. She drank too much told me one night that she just finished taking pills for Chlamydia. The latest thing he'd given her. He slept with anything he could. She put up with it for the lifestyle. They looked like the perfect couple. How little we know...

I know a few people who live in multimillion pound houses. I have a friend who is a lone parent who lives in a tiny 1-bedroom flat with her DC (she sleeps in the living-room). Plenty of people we know live in entirely "average" family homes as well (3 bed, 1.5 bath, terraced, going to convert the loft at some stage or have already converted it etc.).

Most of the people we know who have children seem to enjoy (or endure) a lot of the same activities, whatever type of house they live in. We all drag our children out to the playground after school, to the park or local common on the weekend, to soft play and to parties, to the same bone chillingly freezing Christmas lights trail and to the same overpriced farm park to meet "Father Christmas". So I guess we're quite privileged really, it's just that some of us are sitting in much nicer kitchens and don't have to scrub our own loos.

The family help I do envy though. Unfortunately we don't have family nearby.

I completely agree with this. When I was young I felt very much like the OP. But after you see the wheel of fortune turn a few times for yourself and others, you get a new perspective.

This.
Some people have seriously ill children.
Some people can hardly afford to put food on the table.
Get a grip and stop the jealousy.
Noone said life is fair.

It's increasingly the case that inherited wealth has a far bigger impact on lifestyle than salaries do. Hence the lack of social mobility.

It's completely reasonable and human to struggle with that and feel a bit shocked when you realise that it really is just a myth that "hard work" is what distinguishes people.

I think you just have to try make your peace with it (although I would also think carefully which political party you vote for). I also think it's actually a really awesome and proud feeling to know you accomplished everything by yourself and not feel beholden to anyone. So try to count your blessings but also know your emotions are quite reasonable

I understand it. We rent and can't afford to save so I'm am jealous of you!! But I also know we are lucky to have a roof over our heads so it's all relative. I think it's normal to get jealous but you have to try and not let it consume you and turn you bitter. ( not saying you are but don't let it!!)

None of that stuff matters. Would you really want it all? Would you want her life?

You have a husband and children you love. Be very proud of what you have achieved. I know, I really DO know how tough it is working full time and raising children with no family support but you are doing it. You are succeeding. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing.

Honestly, you might be surprised. There may very well be aspects of your life that your colleague envies.

OP how you feel is not unreasonable, it's natural to feel envious sometimes. I'm envious that you own your home, I probably never will.

But it doesn't change things, and ultimately is pretty futile, there will always be people with more and less than us, people who didn't work as hard etc.

I'm sure having to hear constantly about this person's lifestyle is annoying though, so could you try and distance yourself from her in work so you don't have to hear this stuff? Or just change the subject when she brings it up.

It's hard and I get it. However it was eye opening to me that friends who had what was objectively a dream home for so many people, and being used to so much money in their circles were determined to upgrade to essentially a manor house on land. They must have felt the same envy as you do about the upgrade from their very very privileged life and situation. They constantly strive and go through so much hassle and upheaval to achieve it. I would have been absolutely thrilled with their other house! So I don't think that many people are truly satisfied. Try really hard to overcome the feelings you have and take the advice of older posters who say things change as.life goes on and you don't know what's in store for everyone, does help. I do get it though!!!

Which is why I said “may” not.

People can be envious at any stage of wealth, unless they’re the richest person on the planet. They can also be wildly happy. Best not to assume was my point.

I have just paid off my mortgage at 37 years old. However, I will never have anyone call me "Mummy". So: I am envious of you, you are envious of me. That's because we only see parts of other people's lives, not the whole picture. You cannot immediately change your automatic responses to seeing people who have what you want, just as I can't. All you can do is recognise when you're going down that track and pull yourself back to the present, to what you have. It gets repetitive but it's the only thing you can do.

Find someone worse off. Like me.

We are currently living in a temporary flat near work/studies because prices are so insane we can't afford to buy anything in the city and the transport between a house we can afford and work/studies is too much. Every month I feel like throwing money out of the window on something we have to move from in a few months time. My biggest purchase this month was a vacuum-cleaner, and yet our savings are dwindling. On walking the dog I sometimes stop and stare dreamily at solid houses with gardens and wonder if I'll manage to buy a house before my dog becomes too old to enjoy the garden. Sigh.

or they may be just as happy, or even happier 🤷🏻‍♀️

Imagining that someone else materially better off than you is secretly miserable, in order to make yourself feel better, has never struck me to be a great trait tbh.

There might be a lot that you don't know about her life and wouldn't be envious of. Stop comparing, delete Instagram if you use it

Yes that's a v good point

Being older gives a sense of perspective that, at different times, people's lives are easier or more difficult

I expect we will all have tines when we feel life is (not) going our way

You're married

You have two children

You have bought a house

You are in employment

In the absence of suggestion otherwise, I assume you have good health

Lots to be thankful for

Plenty of people with more than you. Plenty with less

So true, that’s why social media is so toxic.

Generational wealth will always give some a leg up. The rest of us have to work hard and do the best we can.
No point in sulking or being envious. You have to play the hand you've been dealt - focus on the blessings you do have :)

You haven’t underachieved- you just haven’t had the leg up that your colleague has.

Be very proud of what you’ve achieved and enjoy it. Don’t ever compare- there will always be someone better off than you, but remember- they may not be as happy, or have as much gratitude for their situation.

Whenever I feel like this I try to compare my life with someone who has less than me rather than more. It is easy to be jealous of people who have more than you but remember that there are millions of people out there who are jealous of YOUR life. Who would love to have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. Who would love to be in a great relationship. Who would love to have children.

I hate being like this

So, don't. Your thoughts aren't facts and you have control over them. Whatever you mentally feed, grows. If you heard someone on YouTube talking about the earth being flat would you just accept it as truth? of course not. You'd dismiss it immediately. So do the same to these thoughts. They are merely perceptual distortions created by your mind to cover up fearful or sad feelings - find out the root of those feelings and change your thoughts.

I understand but don't forget there's people everywhere who will be thinking the same thing about your life.

You remind me of DH, he can never enjoy what we have because he is constantly comparing what we have against what his friends have got. It is exhausting! Instead of living in the here and now with myself and DD he constantly compares what we do to other families.
I have learned to just ignore him, I just can't understand his mindset but I know it doesn't make him happy.
Oh FYI we have an excellent joint salary for the NE, are only 5 years from paying off the mortgage, he has a 4 yr old BMW that he bought with cash, excellent pension etc BUT he still isn't happy.

If gratitude isn't working can you channel any of that into motivation, that certainly helped me as a young mum trying to get myself out of a financial hole, I went back to uni.