Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

I would be concerned that she is being coerced or groomed in some way.

I can see your point of view. It seems like other mum is trying to control the location of sleepovers by being extra nice. It almost sounds like she is being nice because she wants something - in this case sleepovers at her own place, because if she is genuinely loving to your daughter, she would allow them to have sleepovers at your place and wont decline opportunity to meet you /invites. Asking your daughter ontimate details of her relationship is weird. Is she trying to be cool mum so she can know a lot about her daughter's friends and also get her daughter to share stuff with her. I dont see her generous as she is not generous to you by letting them have sleepovers at your places like you want sometimes.
This lady sounds a bit manipulative and calculative. You should also try to be a bit more flexible and fun ( not saying you are not) to let the girls want to spend time at your place. It does not make you selfish. As a mother, you would also want to know about your daughter and her friend a little bit.

So she invited herself on a weekend away, hosted by other parents?

But wouldn't let you attend your daughter's birthday party?

Yeah, she sounds controlling and overly involved. I wouldn't like that either.

Start putting your foot down. Lay down boundaries.

"X would love a sleepover. Our turn to host. I'll pick Y up on Saturday afternoon and drop her home on Sunday."

"No, I'd quite like involved this time actually. I'll come along."

Oh it could be anything from not being allowed to eat in front of the TV, swearing, talking about boys/girls, listening to loud music etc. I was brought up without any rules and I have been a tiny bit stricter with my kids because of where we have lived when they were growing up but I have always maintained very open communication and I have always been informed (even when I have not always really wanted to know) about their sex lives, drinking, trying weed, broken hearts etc. A lot my kids friends didn't have parents that they could share things like this with so some of them shared with me or asked me questions about it. I never asked for the information though, they just know that they can talk to me.

Given OP's update it doesn't sound like she is an unapproachable parent at all though so I think I was barking up the wrong tree.

I had this with one of my daughter's friends. The mum said she wanted her home to be the place where everyone congregated. She went out of her way to make the place as appealing as she could - went to the off licence to get them alcohol, let mixed groups share rooms, etc. It was really awful for the other parents.

That's very naive. It's not what the OP is talking about. It's not uncommon for friends' mothers to want the child to prefer them to their own mum, unfortunately.

I think you're right to trust your instinct @Winterslopes . The big parties and alcohol is a bit of a red flag. I wonder whether there are other substances at these parties and this woman is trying to set herself up as the 'cool mum'.

Her behaviour wouldn't sit right with me either.

Agree with this

I understand why you are feeling the way you do, esp as your lost your mum young. You sound like a lovely mum, you really do. You just need to set boundaries with the other mum. You could say as DD has had x number of sleepovers at yours, i'll host this time, as its only fair. And stick to it! Put your foot down.

the kids who would always want to hang out here but not at their own place was those with strict or old fashioned parents

Out of interest @Snoken, what sort of things were strict or old-fashioned, that they complained about? Do you still agree with that now, or, reflecting upon it, do you think their parents might have had a point?

put much more eloquently than I was capable of!!!

I also feel very uncomfortable about this. As a general rule I think that our spidey senses should be listened to and then conclusions weighed up against our other experiences to decide how much weight to place on them.

Here I'd say she's not just keen to develop a close bond with your daughter, but seems persistently keen to keep you on the outside.

You haven't had endless drama with other parents and seem to have your head screwed on. That would mean I'd not write off your feelings as jealous or insecurity.

Safe and trusted adults are the ones who have appropriate boundaries with children.

Do you think your dd might be telling this person or her friend unfavourable things about you and she is thinking that she is saving your dd by allowing her to spend as much time as possible at their house? Are you a very strict parent?

I have gone through the teenage years with my kids and the kids who would always want to hang out here but not at their own place was those with strict or old fashioned parents. I was quite a young mum and even though I had some rules I have always been very liberal and had close relationships with most of my kids friends. Especially as they got older. A lot of them had parents they couldn't relate to.

OP I wonder if your own mother wound makes it harder for you to notice boundary-violating behaviour or appropriately stick up for your own boundaries.

The fact that this woman allows your daughter to drink alcohol underage without checking in with you is a big red flag. She has crossed the adult-child/parent-child boundary there. The fact that she is asking your daughter, a child, inappropriate, intrusive, sexual questions again demonstrates she has crossed the adult-child/parent-child boundary. The fact that she relates only to your daughter- and much more enthusiastically than is normal- than with you- an adult (in fact trying to freeze you/other adults out), also demonstrates she has crossed the adult-child/parent-child boundary.

I think you should have put your foot down a long time ago instead of dismissing your own good instincts, and explaining them away as your own insecurities and jealousies.

This woman is trying to be the ‘cool mum’, trying to re-live her teenage years through her own daughter and daughter’s friends and doesn’t want you, the grown up, bursting her bubble. Your daughter still needs parenting (as does your daughter’s friend) and this woman is getting in the way of that.

My eldest daughters friends mum is like this too. Constantly snapchatting her and when we see her in public is quite happy to hug my daughter. The way I see it is she's just another adult that my daughter can turn too. My daughter has even invited her to her 16th birthday along with her son who is my daughters best friend. I wouldn't be too concerned unless your daughter expresses that she is uncomfortable.

This seems very off to me. To exclude you from your daughter's birthday party would be a red flag for me.

Sounds like the other Mum has her own insecurities and is projecting them by being front and centre in every aspect of her life.

My Aunt and my Mum had a very volatile relationship growing up and Aunt was about a year younger and always in competition with my Mum and any other female who she felt was a "threat". She did the same with me - tried to make me prefer her to my Mum when I went to stay with my cousins. It all went massively tits up when my Grandmother died and the family imploded permanently.

I know it's slightly different but the resonance is there, and if the Mum has made no effort to befriend you in five years, I would suggest it's her, not you. Unfortunately if your DD is happy it's almost impossible for you to address it at this stage without causing a kerfuffle.

Soon your DD will be off in the wider world and make new friends etc - she herself might move on.

Your feelings are valid and totally understandable especially after 5 years of the apparent cold shoulder, and it's sad this other Mum is the way she is - my tactic with my boys friends was quite hands off but I would make a point of loose alliance with other parents as I think presenting a united adult front to teenagers is important in that way. It's probably a bit different with girls, but anyway, I'm sorry you have ended up feeling bad. It does sound as though you have an excellent relationship with your daughter so just focus on that, and tell Queen Bee to buzz off out of your head.... all the very best x

It d s kinda like she’s overstepping boundaries, and having conversations which are mother daughter, plus undermining your authority.

Tricky situation though, as it’s hard to explain this to dd, or if you try to enforce boundaries, which the other mum doesn’t reflect/adhere to, you come across as the bad mum.

This is just downright not ok. Even if she ‘doesn’t like you’ (doesn’t sound like she ever tried to get to know you so how would she dislike you?), she needs to act as an adult and respect boundaries.

Most parents wouldn’t. It’s only MNetters who pretend it’s wonderful, indeed a preferred situation, and to be embraced 🙄

OP I get you, teenage years are a tough time, parental and child relationships are being renegotiated as they become adults and as their parent every technique you used to keep them safe and happy before, is no longer effective now. It’s so easy to get it wrong and what you don’t need is another over familiar Fun Adult, undermining the relationship you’re trying to build with your approaching adult child. She sounds like a PITA - especially the bit where she’s trying to get your dd to confide in her about boyfriend stuff! Where’s the boundaries? Hard to know what to advise though. If you moan about her that might push your dd away. You don’t want to have to compete with her because you shouldn’t have to. Guess you just have to keep being as present and loving as possible and hope your dd sees it for herself. If you have a good relationship she’ll always choose you anyway. Good luck!

Same here.

@Winterslopes I think you having no problem with other mums, the visceral reaction you have, plus the downright inappropriateness ( it’s ok to chat with someone else’s daughter about how far she’s gone with a boyfriend if SHE starts the conversation, it’s not ok to go prying) would tell me that it’s not a case of a misfired response related to insecurity around mother/daughter relationships.

Whatever other mumsnetters may advise you, remember that if you feel that there is something doesn't sit right with you, that feeling shouldn't be ignored. I've had plenty of times in my life where I've had a sense that something wasn't right. Something subtle. Something even I told myself I was beingnunreasonable about.

But I was right.

I feel that you actually don't have a problem with someone having a realy good relationship with your daughter, but something about this relationship feels off. You feel like you're being shoved out. Something is obviously being stirred up in you that feels like she is encroaching on your space, or at least trying to trespass on it.

I have always wanted my children to have a really close relationship with their aunts and cousins. My kids only have these on my husband's side and I am really keen to foster lifelong loving relationships with them. It's working and I'm very happy about it. Except one sister in law always pushes it just a little too far. Asking me in front of the kids if they can bring them to do xyz. It always creates a situation where I can't say no and sometimes it isn't what I want on that particular day. It doesn't suit. I thought I was just imagining it until my husband told me that it was annoying him too. We figured out what it was all about, we both independently felt something was too much, and both recognised it was different to the normal loving interactions with the other aunts . Jealousy didn't factor into it at all. Our kids were being used for a certain agenda and we picked it up.

Yanbu