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Original poster

Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

205 replies

Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:07

Has anyone else been in this situation? My older teenage daughter and the other girl have been friends for a few years. The mum of the friend has fostered a really close relationship with my daughter. She is overfamiliar with her, constantly hugs and compliments her almost like an older aunt or grandmother would do. She wants to have her over to stay all the time. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because she doesn't seem to consider my feelings. She sort of railroads getting her own way.

OP posts:
JeezWhatNext · 06/12/2023 13:46

So the other mum is going to a teenage girls holiday? Are any other parents going?

Sunandnomoon · 06/12/2023 13:44

Does the mother have a job? Other friends? Hobbies? Or does her whole life revolve around her children?

I used to have a family member who was over involved with their child’s friendships. They never had a mother themself when growing up and were trying to be the ‘best mother ever’ by making their child their sole focus.

Motnight · 06/12/2023 13:42

Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 13:38

The other mum has invited herself along to another of the girls' holidays. There's a big group going and I can't not let DD go. But feel very uncomfortable about the other mum being there.

That is unusual.

itsgoingtobealright · 06/12/2023 13:40

Hi OP, can understand your feelings entirely. I had a difficult relationship with my Mum and have ensured that I have a good healthy close relationship with my daughters because of it.

If this lady is genuinely warm and not cloying/needy towards your daughter then that is lovely and just take your daughter's cue about how she feels. If she feels comfortable then that's alright and it's something we have to accept

I had this situation when mine were teenagers and I was happy about genuine not over the top mums, accepting that we're all abit different in our ways. BUT there were a couple of mums and one dad (eeuurrggh) that were over friendly amd gave me the willies, so I talked to my daughters and said if you feel uncomfortable then let me know. (I told the dad to fuck off obviously)

Just make sure she knows she herself can set boundaries with adults at any time.

You are not jealous, you are quite rightly cautious.

Above all else, please take heart and remember you are MUM, no one takes the place of Mum, nobody. When your child is in need, she isn't going to run to that woman, she'll want you 🌸

MammaTo · 06/12/2023 13:39

I think you’re issue should be more about her undermining your authority. If she’s letting your daughter drink when (I’m presuming) that’s something you don’t allow - then that’s an issue. I think you’re maybe looking at it from the wrong perspective of wanting to be liked.
I would probably say your daughter may be encouraging the mum along too - if she lets
them carry on then teenage me would also want to stay at their house too.

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 13:38

The other mum has invited herself along to another of the girls' holidays. There's a big group going and I can't not let DD go. But feel very uncomfortable about the other mum being there.

OP posts:
LeopardPJS · 06/12/2023 13:38

I have had similar situations to this OP and I can understand why you feel it's off. The birthday party thing is not OK. Some mothers are like this - overbearing, a bit overly involved in their kids lives, slightly living their life through them, like to be overfamiliar with their kids' friends because they feel it's a badge of honour to know everything and anything about their child's life and makes them 'the best mum', their daughter's 'bets friend', the 'cool mum', etc etc. It's actually kind of tragic. I would make a bet there isn't much else going on in her life other than her kids. Is it possible she is a bit jealous of/ intimidated by you for some reason (money? career? Education?)
I think without being too heavy-handed you need to set firm boundaries with her or she will overstep a bit.

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 13:37

The other thing that strikes me is that my DD feels very comfortable around the other DD's mum and in their home, while her friend doesn't seem as comfortable with me. It's as though she doesn't quite trust me. Again, just instinctual feelings but I don't have the same feelings around DD's other friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 13:34

@TraumatisedatChristmas1986 Your post is spot on and that the other mum doesn't value my feelings or opinions is what makes me feel so uncomfortable. If she really thought so highly of my daughter and felt so warmly towards her, wouldn't she value DD's parents' feelings too? It's so odd that she seems to separate the two.

OP posts:
Makethemostofit · 06/12/2023 13:32

*up you credibility at the same time

Redpaisley · 06/12/2023 13:32

Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 13:21

I have marked out boundaries and said no to going on holiday with the other mum, kept sleepovers balanced. But it's been difficult sometimes, I've felt awkward and it's a huge mental effort constantly being on guard. The other mum is quite clever with how she'll engineer something. When they were younger she might ask whether DD can come over one day after school, and I'll say yes, then she'll change the invite to a sleepover. It's then difficult for me to day no because I've already said DD is free to come over.

At other times she'll message me to tell me what time she is collecting my DD to take them to the same social event, rather than ask me whether DD would like a lift. And I'll somehow feel I'm being rude or awkward by turning down her lift.

If she can be rude to you by not asking and only informing about picking up your daughter we r changing plans from visit to sleepovers, you should not be so worried about coming across rude. You are not rude for saying plan was for visit, not sleepover.
You should also tell dd that while you want to support her independence and friendship woth other girl, you think there needs to be a balance. Some sleepovers at your place, if birthday's are joint, they include both mums, not just friend's mum. Sounds like your daughter is close to you, so she will listen to you if you tell her in a balanced way, justing saying no to your daughter, might make your daughter feel your are being strict with her unlike her friend's cool mum. But if you explain her the imbalance, any reasonable kid at 17 would give it a thought.

Makethemostofit · 06/12/2023 13:31

The delicate thing in this situation is asserting boundaries without it backfiring on your relationship with your daughter. I agree with Zeppelin that spending time with your daughter is a good method. Something I would recommend, would be for you to take your daughter to concerts of her favourite bands or pop stars (maybe bring her sisters too). That will help you to ease her into the adult world under your watchful eye, but you get to spoil her, and up both hers and your, at the same time. You could even invite her friend. The investment would pay handsome dividends.

pictoosh · 06/12/2023 13:30

It won't last now that the girls are getting older. Your daughter will soon do something utterly heinous like saying no to this woman, or making a new friend unconnected to the group...or another independent mature move. At this point she will be dropped like a sack of shit as a threat to the mother's control.
Just hang on in there and give her enough rope...

LimePi · 06/12/2023 13:29

Sorry but this could also be grooming 🙄
in any case:
if just ONE mum makes you uncomfortable you might be picking up on the fact that something is not quite right there

Darkdiamond · 06/12/2023 13:29

Safe and trusted adults are the ones who have appropriate boundaries with children.

yes!

TraumatisedatChristmas1986 · 06/12/2023 13:28

I knew of someone like this. She turned out to be unhinged and had done the same thing with other young adults. She even began calling one of them by a different name, at the supposed behest of a 3 year old. It appears it was all to augment her status as a philanthropist. The families of those who (temporarily in 2 cases) lost siblings and children for a few years felt differently.

It also transpired that there was a long history of narcissistic behaviour which had greatly angered and distressed others.

Pay attention to your instincts but tread carefully,it is clear she doesn't value your feelings or opinions.

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 13:25

The other girls seem to really like the other mum. She constantly compliments them and hugs them, love bombs. What 's not to like when you're a teenage girl?

My DD is not an only but is the eldest of 3.

OP posts:
ZeppelinTits · 06/12/2023 13:24

This feels creepy and invasive of her, and I'd also be uneasy in your situation. It sounds like the other mum is quite a manipulative person and possibly trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter? I'd be prioritising one on one time with my teen as much as possible away from this woman and her daughter. So that you have an unshakable and warm bond she can't dissolve or come between. Some people are messed up or insecure and behave like this because on some level they want to 'win'. Listen to your instincts here.

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 13:23

With the alcohol, when I dropped them off, she had a bottle in her hand and said, in front of the girls, you don't mind if they have a little tiny drink do you? Had I said no, I'd be the strict unpopular parent. It was manipulative.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 06/12/2023 13:22

Allowing my under age child to drink would make me the most uncomfortable. How does your daughter feel? Is she able to distance herself from the mother when she wants privacy or to do her own thing?

Motnight · 06/12/2023 13:21

Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:44

Another example is when the girls were planned to have a joint birthday celebration and the other mum would only go ahead if she hosted at her house, and I wasn't welcome to stay and help organise or supervise. The truth is I'd really like the girls to have a joint birthday but not if I can't also be there to enjoy it and share the experience with our daughters.

So you say no, and explain why.

laveritable · 06/12/2023 13:21

is your DD an only child?

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 13:21

I have marked out boundaries and said no to going on holiday with the other mum, kept sleepovers balanced. But it's been difficult sometimes, I've felt awkward and it's a huge mental effort constantly being on guard. The other mum is quite clever with how she'll engineer something. When they were younger she might ask whether DD can come over one day after school, and I'll say yes, then she'll change the invite to a sleepover. It's then difficult for me to day no because I've already said DD is free to come over.

At other times she'll message me to tell me what time she is collecting my DD to take them to the same social event, rather than ask me whether DD would like a lift. And I'll somehow feel I'm being rude or awkward by turning down her lift.

OP posts:
Highlyflavouredgravy · 06/12/2023 13:20

It's grooming behaviour.

Sheepskinthrow · 06/12/2023 13:19

Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:14

I feel insecure about it. I lost my mum at birth and so the mother daughter relationship is something I feel like I'm guessing at sometimes. My daughter and I are close and do lots together, but I am her parent and there are times when I need to say things she doesn't like, like being home at a reasonable time if she goes out in the evening. Obviously with the friend's mum there is none of this and she is very fun - she is always treating them and lets them have a drink at her home.

Is she letting them drink alcohol do you mean op? Did she run this past you? I wouldn’t like that! But it depends on their age I suppose?

Now I’ve read your update op, I think she wants to be a cool mum. Or she just genuinely is more at ease with things bc she has been there and done it! I wouldn’t like the idea of her inviting herself in to the friendship group either but rest assured most teens hate that too!