Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

I would be asking your dd about how her friend is feeling about constantly having her mum around and not being able to go on a girls holiday without her mum, is there something wrong with her friend that she needs her mum there all of the time and why this woman never lets her friend out of her sight.
I would mention about her friends unease about being in your house. Is it something you have done or is this about her friend always needing her mum or what her friend doesn’t like about your dd’s home

I would also ask why when your dd has told her friends mum that she can’t go somewhere. Her friends mum ignores your dd and calls you. I would say that you realise that friends mum still thinks of her dd as very young and not capable of organising herself but this mother needs to realise that not all 17 year olds are like this and why she feels the need to check up on what dd has told her

I would also enquire if this girl is allowed to go to university or college away from home or will her mum be a expecting to live with her in student digs
You mentioned that your dd’s friend has older siblings. Do I take it that the friend is the “baby” of the family and this woman is facing life without having children around so is hanging on to her youngest child for dear life.
Where are all the other children. Do they live at home?

I wouldn’t come out and directly criticise this woman but I would concentrate my observations and concern around dd’s friend not being able to get freedom from her mother and experience life without her mother present. And concern for the mother in the desperate way she tries to control situations and not having anything else in her life when her dd eventually leaves

I would start to make your dd and yourself unavailable by going to college and university open days and planning for your dd’s future. Or just having girly days out and Wowcher Spa days

I would tell dd to not talk about what she wants to do specifically after school to anyone until she knows she has got into the course and university she wants and everything was set in stone as it just invites bad feeling and competition

Just be vague about what she is going to be doing.

@LindyLou2020 of course 😊

@Winterslopes Could this be your "in" to speak to your DD - explain that you'd always thought she would be fully honest and upfront with you and this feels the opposite of that - Explain that you never want to stop her having fun but her part of that deal is that she must always give full disclosure from the off, not piecemeal. Maybe she will then let on if she is always aware from the start whats happening or if the "manipulation" is something that is put on her by friend and her Mum.

Narcissists simply laugh at your boundaries.

I take it you have been lucky in never being preyed upon by one.

I've dealt with exactly the same thing. They always appear to be the "cool" house, the laid back one where its always "fun" I tried to talk to my DS he was 16 at the time anyway long story short they manipulated him he moved out and into their place.

Fast forward a year they kicked him out.

Strange creepy people in this world.

😂😂😂😂

Are you reading the same thread as the rest of us??? 🤔

@clpsmum
Sorry, I posted before reading your apology for your comment that I quoted.
So, I hope you can accept my sincere apology to you

Does no one else think that an adult providing alcohol for teenagers is a bit creepy?

That was the bit that stood out for me.

OP, unfortunately the problem has arisen because of your poor boundaries.

This woman is pushy and sounds absolutely awful.

She is demanding your child at hers but refuses hers at yours?

Why wasn't that a huge red flag?

I think you need to clearly spell out your concerns about this woman to your daughter.

Her not accepting No and calling you was your time to push back hard.

This has gone on years and I came across a bit of it with a similar parent, but I just said no to her taking the girls to things.

I just said no thanks to the lifts, we will make our own way there.

She sounds deeply insecure and unfortunately by giving in to her for so long she has become emboldened over the years.

Speak honestly to your daughter about your concerns.

Have her watch the videos mentioned above.

Unfortunately it may be difficult for your daughter to see your point as you have allowed it to go on for so long.

I certainly would have felt deeply uncomfortable about someone who wouldn't allow their child at ours, but was so pushy about my child being at theirs.

I would have had enormous reservations and would have stopped it.

This woman doesn't care about you in the slightest, stop caring about her.

But that's your experience, none of that applies here.

The OP has clearly explained that she DOES welcome friends to come over and tries to make it happen more than it does.

Your experience is your experience but it's not what's going on here.

@EdinGirl and @clpsmum
Sorry, but you are talking bollocks.
Have you not read all OP's posts?
TPlease take no notice of these comments, @Winterslopes
The other mother was trying to get OP's daughter to say "how far she'd taken things with a boyfriend".
That alone is totally inappropriate, intrusive, and way out of line.

@pizzaHeart where did you get that from??

I know someone like this and it's about control, control of her own daughter. She makes a point of befriending all her daughters friends, messages them and their parents, chaperones them everywhere so the daughter doesn't get to have a relationship of her own with anyone because the mum knows everything! Most of her friendships eventually break down because of this.

This is important!

She has a collusive relationship with her own child which is exactly what happens with cluster B personality disorders!!!

Narcissists create narcissists and your daughter is potentially being groomed by 2 of them. She needs to understand in advance that there will be a pattern to this behaviour which will lead to her being very painfully devalued (or worse).

Please watch some Dr Ramani with her (or Sam Vaknin if she's academically inclined). This will be invaluable to her when she flies the nest to uni because she will be pre-warned of the pitfalls of predatory narcissists in intimate partners.

You and your daughter won't like me for saying this but the only way to stop it is to put up firm boundaries, and if that doesn't work cut all contact. Toughen up and lead by example.

In my situation this woman got really spiteful and underhand to the extent she convinced my child I was nothing short of the antichrist and why on earth would my child ever want to go home. I'm not being melodramatic when I say get your child away from this woman.

That does sound manipulative. Unless there’s a genuine reason, eg she has anxiety about her DD being driven by anyone else and wants to get in first with her lift offer so she can take both of them, then I’d put a stop to it. You don’t have to be rude. Just stand up to her very politely.

Also, play her at her own game. Find out what social events are upcoming and get your offer in first. Think as if you’re her, and then you’ll be able to pre-empt more of this.

Would your daughter watch Dr Ramini on youtube?

It might be useful for her to understand psychological manipulation and attachment.

I really do feel that you are right to feel suspicious OP and that this woman is potentially psychologically disordered and seeking 'prey'.

@Winterslopes My son had birthday party thrown for him but I wasn’t invited
Plus they invited him for Christmas Day.

Turned out he didn’t have a good time due to the drunk relatives.

It’s a strange thing to do.

It IS excluding you - I hope your daughter wakes up to what is happening.

My friend's teenage son's girlfriend's mother (that was long!) became weirdly obsessed with the boy. 25 years older than him.

She would text him more often than her daughter did, sometimes late and night, and would invite him round when her daughter wasn't there or would sit for hours with him after her daughter had left for work ect.

My friend didn't know what to do. She'd hear her son on the phone for ages to whom she thought was the girlfriend - and would ask and be told 'oh no that was [girl friend's mum] she rang to see how i was after we had a few beers last night .... 😳

It ended a few weeks AFTER he broke up with the girlfriend. He got bored and moved on thank goodness. I had no idea what to advise.

Love bombing is a term to describe how narcissists and/or abusers hook people in. They are talented at making people feel special and like they have a special bond with the abuser. It’s also a stage of the abusive relationship that is used when someone is trying to leave the relationship to hook them back in. It’s come to also mean over-the-top generosity/affection that feels insincere.

It describes what’s happening here - eg seems generous to host the daughter a party, but clearly the real intention is not to benefit the daughter or her mum would not be excluded.

This is so uncannily like my own experience with my son and the other family-

It’s all about control- I never got to the bottom of it-but it came to a natural end in time.
Very inappropriate.

Yes and it wasn't a position of insecurity from my end until it became a real issue that I got Wendyed by this woman! She used to 'just' invite my child round constantly and 'just' offer to bring them back again but 'forgot' what the time was so 'just' had them to dinner and what seemed like a nice gesture turned into my child effectively being fostered by this woman!

Now they're an adult they can see what this woman did but at the time the impact on our family was disastrous!

Wow, my mum and aunt with aimilar age gap had a similar dynamic. And my aunt tried to undermine my mum to me. I resent that part of my younger days and my mum for not standing up because my aunt at times, desite being affectionate, was highly critical and damaging to me.