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Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 04/12/2023 14:04

Be grateful he wants to spend that time with you. Change your plans to accommodate him. That's what parents do.

ManateeFair · 04/12/2023 14:03

YABVU. He's an adult and he has no tradition of spending Christmas with you. He's offered to come out on Boxing Day - it's not his fault you and his dad have prioritised seeing extended family during that time. And of course he wants to go out on NYE with his mates, because he's 19 and that's what people do at 19.

Talking about him 'not considering us his real family' is awful emotional blackmail and you're being very melodramatic.

Has it occurred to you that, as you have young children, he is well aware that you already have a family Christmas regardless of whether he's there, and that maybe he feels his mum just needs him at Christmas more than you do?

Frazzledmum123 · 04/12/2023 14:02

I can totally see why you feel hurt but I have to agree with what @Sirzy said I'm afraid. If that was my son, nothing would be more important than seeing him and I would cancel all other plans with extended family so I could spend all the time possible with him. £400 would be a lot for me too so I do understand but again, my priority would be him over travelling later in the year etc and if it meant doing overtime or cutting back here and there throughout the year I would. The fact of the matter is, if it was really the most important thing to you, you could do it and make sacrifices elsewhere. I'm not having a go but that's the truth so you can't really complain that he also isn't willing to make sacrifices and prioritise you.
He wants Christmas at home, as I would and the UK is home. And he wants new year with friends which is sad for you but not unreasonable of him

BeaLola · 04/12/2023 13:59

It sounds like you are not wanting to make the effort but expect him to.

I would pay £400 for the flights and not see the extended family so you and your young children who want to see their big brother have ample time with him to create/make bonds .

If that is t possible because extended family cannot be missed offer the January dates for the true Spanish celebrations - who knows that could be one the new tradition

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2023 13:58

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:48

So basically your not willing to prioritise him yet your expecting him to prioritise you.

This.

Seaweed42 · 04/12/2023 13:57

When you are 19 Christmas is not that big a deal.
Loads of people 'expect' you to do this that and the other.
And it's a pain in the arse trying to please people.

The lad has already had to be shunted back and forth between the UK and Spain every holiday in order to keep contact with his family members.

Due to no fault or choice of his.

Now he gets to choose and respect that choice.

Octavia64 · 04/12/2023 13:57

He's a young adult.

He wants to see his mum and family, and his dad and family, and his mates,

He's offered you four days.

I'll be honest, when I was 19 I would not have chosen to spend Christmas with little kids - yes magic of Christmas and half siblings etc but to young adults they are just annoying.

He is prioritising you.

Overthebow · 04/12/2023 13:56

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

Why don’t you prioritise him and not go to wider family during that time? You can’t ask him to prioritise you without being willing to do the same. He’s 19, of course he doesn’t want to spend the whole of his Christmas break visiting family. 4 days is perfectly reasonable.

LBFseBrom · 04/12/2023 13:55

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:38

Pay for the flights and enjoy the time with him. Don’t guilt him into things.

I agree with that but remember it is possible his mother might feel hurt that he chooses to break with what has become a tradition of Christmas with her.

If he can come out on 26th, it is Boxing Day and still the season of Christmas until the epiphany. It will be fun and he'll see his siblings.

lingmerth · 04/12/2023 13:55

Suck up the cost and don't see extended family while he's with you. Then 2 days becomes 4 which is reasonable. You can travel to family for New Year.

eujk · 04/12/2023 13:53

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

After Covid, flying Spain-UK for £70-80 is a thing of the past, specially during holiday times.

He could fly the 2nd to the 7th and spend Reyes Magos with you.

Bobbotgegrinch · 04/12/2023 13:53

Sounds like you want him to change his plans around in order to prioritise you, but you're not willing to do the same for him.

Let him spend his Christmas where he wants to, if you're not then willing to accommodate him when he is available, that's up to you.

Mariposista · 04/12/2023 13:52

In Spain they celebrate Epiphany and Reyes Magos in January- have him then and open presents all together. I guess your kids are growing up with this culture (but DSS isn’t- it won’t be as big a sacrifice for him as giving up Xmas ‘the way he knows it’)

Patchworksack · 04/12/2023 13:52

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

Well then actually you are prioritising other wider family over DH’s son! If the flights are unaffordable then ask him to visit another time and/or DH flies to see him on a day when they are cheaper. Don’t Uni students have long holidays? Could he not come well before Christmas or after new Year ?

StoneColdAlibi · 04/12/2023 13:51

DisquietintheRanks · 04/12/2023 13:49

Could he not come to you 2nd-7th January. 12th night is when Christmas is really celebrated in Spain anyway isn't it?

This, Kings Festival is the bigger celebration so he can get Xmas with his mum, New year with his mates and =Fiesta de Los Reyes in Spain, winning all round.

Helenahandkart · 04/12/2023 13:51

When I was 19 four days with my family felt like a lifetime. All I wanted was to be hanging out with my mates.
I agree with Pps - get him the tickets and enjoy those 2 full days. Make it a great little holiday for him. Don’t put pressure on him, because there’s no surer way of putting him off from visiting again.
He’s always spent Christmas with his mum, that’s what feels traditional and ‘correct’ for him. It’s not about who he loves best, or who he prioritises, it’s just what feels right and usual and comfortable for him.

BeautyFromBad · 04/12/2023 13:51

When I was a teenager, my dad always wanted me to fly to his new country for Christmas. I never wanted to, or only wanted to go for a couple of nights. It wasn’t personal. I just wanted to do other things too. I know this isn’t super helpful, but I’m sure he’s not trying to hurt your feelings. It’s just tricky with parents in other countries, trying to get that balance.

GetYourBaublesOut · 04/12/2023 13:51

But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December.

I am not sure why 'home' is in inverted commas when it is clear later on in your post that it IS his home. That's where he seems to have resided through the later part of his childhood, with frequent visits to see you.

Personally, I couldn't be faffed with dealingg with airports and flights on Boxing Day so I think the fact that he IS willing to do that shows he does consider seeing you to be important.

At 19 I was at uni and that was probably the first year I never bothered going home at all - I just spent Xmas with mates. I never went home for New year, that was always out with friends. So him offering 26th-30th seems like a generous offer, to me.

I'd accept it with good grace, myself.

I also think the phrase 'cannot justify' is always one of those things we say when we just don't think something is worth the expense, but want to describe the choice as being out of our hands. A way of distancing ourseleves from the decision.

kweeble · 04/12/2023 13:50

You are making this hard work - accept his dates and pay for the travel if you can.
He can choose what to do and he’s coming for a good chunk of time between Xmas and new year.

meganorks · 04/12/2023 13:50

If he spends every Christmas with his mum and her family and always has done, I don't think it's that unreasonable that he wants to continue to do so. That is his tradition and he wants to continue it. I also don't know of any 19 year old that would want to do anything other than spend new years with their mates!
He has said when he can come, if that doesn't work for you then tell him. But i don't think you need to be so hard on a 19 year old!

QforCucumber · 04/12/2023 13:49

so, You can't pay for him to come between Xmas and new year, but still expect him to change the Xmas day he has had for 19 years to suit you?

He has ALWAYS spent Xmas day with his mum, that doesn't mean he doesn't want to come, it means he still wants to spend Xmas day with his mum and has offered a compromise

DisquietintheRanks · 04/12/2023 13:49

Could he not come to you 2nd-7th January. 12th night is when Christmas is really celebrated in Spain anyway isn't it?

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:48

So basically your not willing to prioritise him yet your expecting him to prioritise you.

Original poster
Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

OP posts:
asplashofmilk · 04/12/2023 13:46

You're reading this all wrong, he's 19! Of course he wants new year with his mates and Christmas with the family he's always spent it with. Offering to come for 4 days in between (let's face it, not very convenient for him) is a sign he really WANTS to see you, not the opposite! Please do pay for the flights.