Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
Littlewhitecat · 05/12/2023 08:27

You don't really want him do you - you like the narrative of the mean first wife keeping him away from his DH for all the previous Christmases. Think of all the money that mean woman had saved you by controlling her son at expensive times to travel. All you've done is identify the ceiling cost for your desire to have DSS visit you. Your DH sounds like a really flakey dad.

Londonrach1 · 05/12/2023 08:26

Yabu. He offered to come for four days

Viviennemary · 05/12/2023 08:24

Seems like you want things your way. Even in your first line you are dictating as to what posters can and can't post. In a bit of an aggressive way. If this is how you approach things in general not surprised you are running into problems.

Zoreos · 05/12/2023 08:23

So basically, you don’t actually WANT to spend Christmas that badly with the one person you’ve never spent Christmas with. You can’t justify spending that much time driving or paying for your husbands child who’s never been able to spend Christmas with you due to him having insane pressure from his mothers side of the family. You’re just choosing to be upset over the fact he won’t go against his resident parent for someone who won’t pay or put time to facilitate his journey or stay because the days “aren’t convenient”. If you’ve spent more than £400 on your other DC and spent more than 4 hours driving them places then YABU. I have seen your update that your grandparent is unwell which is obviously very sad but to me that should have been mentioned from the beginning and really not directly related or controlled by your DSS. From your own admission it’s been out of his control that he hasn’t been able to visit before and I expect he probably feels like an outsider by comparison to your own DC with his father. He’s making the effort and he’s a very young adult.

Camerasforinthehouse · 05/12/2023 08:22

crumpet · 04/12/2023 13:40

He’s young, he’s never celebrated Christmas with you, he is only just becoming an adult, he might also have pressure to spend Christmas with the other side of the family, if he’s been living away from home he might be looking forward to familiar traditions , there are lots of reasons.

just keep the door open, make it clear he’s always welcome, and don’t make him feel guilty.

Edited

I agree.

Id be feeling sad too though OP.

Gymmum82 · 05/12/2023 08:15

Christmas isn’t a big deal in Spain. None of my Spanish friends/colleagues go home for it. They all go home for the kings day in January. That’s when the celebration is.
The kid wants to see his mum, his dad and his friends. If xmas flights are too expensive and you are going to see grandad get him to come in January and have a second xmas if you will.
When I was a kid we would often have 2 or 3 separate xmas days with various family members as children we thought this was brilliant

SevenMoon · 05/12/2023 08:13

I could understand wanting to see his ill grandfather on Christmas if he had spent many with him in the past but he hasn't, he hasn't spent a Christmas with his dad's family for 12 years! Why wasn't he seeing him every other Christmas all those years at the very least? Flights are very cheap over Christmas if you pick the right day. It doesn't sound like DH made much effort after his son moved to the UK, he can't expect much now.

TiaraBoo · 05/12/2023 08:11

Is there another airport he could fly to?
To be honest, he may not want to come if he has to spend 2 days of it travelling and 2 days visiting relatives.

BobbleWobbleHat · 05/12/2023 08:10

Either you have £400 or you don't. Choosing whether you think it's "worth" it vs how many days he comes just sounds manipulative. You can't possibly insist he comes for all of Christmas to "justify" spending the money - it's blackmail. I strongly suspect flights on 24th will be even more expensive tbh.

I think you're being unfair, unreasonable and unrealistic. Take what you're offered, with gratitude and do the driving/make it work, or don't - but don't make that his fault.

Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 08:10

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 08:00

Yes this.
Quibbling about Christmas period flights being expensive when you've only bothered to look a couple of weeks in advance is silly.

If it's really too much then suggest that you get flights for DS in January when it will be cheaper and he can come and spend time with you then.

Show quote history

He wouldn’t commit and couldnt give us dates prior when we asked in the summer. Hard to book when we didn’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 08:08

Spirallingdownwards · 05/12/2023 07:48

The irony.

A post moaning that he can't prioritise you but really it's because you don't want to prioritise him.

Show quote history

Grandpa is ill

OP posts:
Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 08:07

Grandfather is ill. That’s the priority this year, he may not be with us next year.

OP posts:
Tinker1292 · 05/12/2023 08:04

This is exactly what I was thinking tbh. Op- are you sure you're genuinely hurt he isn't spending Christmas with you? It was the comment "DH can't justify spending £400 on one person" he isn't just any person that's his son. It might be a lot of money to you, but for the one year dss has said "yeah I'll come over" and it's like the excuses are rolling out for him not to come. It's almost like it's your way or the high way and you're not willing to compromise? Why not reschedule seeing extended family somyou spend time with him?

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 08:00

WillowTit · 05/12/2023 07:56

i think you should have made plans earlier in the year, when there were cheap flights, if they ever were

Yes this.
Quibbling about Christmas period flights being expensive when you've only bothered to look a couple of weeks in advance is silly.

If it's really too much then suggest that you get flights for DS in January when it will be cheaper and he can come and spend time with you then.

WillowTit · 05/12/2023 07:56

i think you should have made plans earlier in the year, when there were cheap flights, if they ever were

QueSyrahSyrah · 05/12/2023 07:54

With respect OP the flights will be expensive at any stage over Christmas because you're looking at them in December. We often travel to family at Christmas and if we've not booked by June or July we usually consider ourselves priced out. Why is this only being considered now?

How about if you didn't all go trek to visit extended family, but just had DSS come to you? Would that squeeze some more quality time out of the 4 days?

TwistedKeys · 05/12/2023 07:50

I can see why you feel hurt and it isn’t unreasonable to feel that way. But you are not his tribe. Even his mum isn’t his tribe now. He is now old enough to make his own choices and he will choose to spend his time with his friends, workmates, partner. His world is expanding. Try to be glad he wants to spend even 4 days with you at a time when his life holds nothing but promise and potential.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/12/2023 07:48

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

The irony.

A post moaning that he can't prioritise you but really it's because you don't want to prioritise him.

BowlOfNoodles · 05/12/2023 07:46

You might want to consider that he only comes at all to be polite and not push it

BorrowersAreVermin · 04/12/2023 17:05

I always spent Christmas day with my mam's side of the family, boxing day with my dad's. If it's what he's always done maybe he would feel bad about not spending Christmas day with his mum.

5128gap · 04/12/2023 16:14

My best advice to you is (kindly) stay at an appropriate distance, and try not to let your 'hurt' be a thing here. You have asked and been answered by DSS, and that's that. If you can't afford the flights then you will have to see him some other time. If this is difficult for you, I can imagine it's even more so for your DH, and the best thing you can do for everyone, is to try not to fuel that hurt by adding on your own. Stay positive about the decisions made and plan another visit for everyone to look forward to.

caringcarer · 04/12/2023 15:56

Patchworksack · 04/12/2023 13:42

YABU. He’s a young adult who also wants to see his resident parent and his friends. It’s not his fault you live in different countries. He’s offering you 4 days, not saying he doesn’t want to come.

Take the 4 days he is offering. It's natural he wants to see his Mum on Xmas day and his extended family and friends over the New Year. I think he is being very fair.

SparklyFrogg · 04/12/2023 15:21

It is very difficult when family live abroad but you have your own adult life and you are trying to make everything fit.
I’m glad in another response you said you could start to see his point of view.

Prepare yourself- over time this will likely be a continuous ‘issue’ as he gets older. As his life gets busier travelling abroad regularly will get harder. It’s sad but unfortunately part of living so far apart. Maybe you have thought about this but maybe you haven’t.
There will likely be some years he can’t come at all, especially when he gets a full time job. Please try not to take it personally and start mentally preparing now. It’s so hard to feel torn between your own needs and pleasing your family. He won’t have school holidays where it’s easier to come for much longer. It is very hard to feel split between trying to please many different families, yourself and the contributed time of travel.

Can you try and introduce some alternatives now, like regular video calls?

Also if you can, in the future, I urge you to try and visit him in the UK (maybe you already have), even if it’s just your DH.
Although I know you have smaller children, the responsibility of keep travelling back and forth to maintain the relationship should not solely be put on him because it’s ‘easier’- it just creates resentment. Again not saying you do this and I acknowledge it’s tricky - but first hand experience shows effort on both sides is important.

Of course maybe he will come regularly as he gets older, I just think it could be useful to mentally prepare to manage expectations.

Good luck hope you can have a nice Xmas in the days you do spend together xx

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 15:17

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 14:06

Thank you all, I see it now. I didn’t see it before, just felt hurt. But from his perspective it probably makes sense.
DH’s dad is ill so may be the last Christmas with him, we can’t not go this year, he would like to see grandson too. Obviously if there’s no other choice we would pay up and have him over. But it seems the dates he offers are not confirmed, so he may not even want to come for four days. He said he’ll confirm later. Besides DH and I still need to discuss about finances.

Don't spend too long discussing.

Whenever he travels, it's very close to Christmas now. Those 400 quid flights might be a lot more expensive next week.

Too late now but why on earth didn't you all sort this out months ago?

autienotnaughty · 04/12/2023 15:15

Obviously it's tough for u guys but ultimately the family situation is not his responsibility. I'd except the four days and make it work.