Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

Don't guilt him. 4 days is probably loads to him at 19.

He's being stretched between all these people.

He is a grown man who can make his own choices.
For years my two ‘had’ to spend Christmas Day with their father because ‘it’s just easier Mum because he will kick off if we don’t’
Once they reached driving age that was totally knocked on the head. They literally drove over and spent an hour with him. This year they aren’t spending any of Christmas or NY with him ( it involves flying now)
I let them chose and treated them like the adults they are with minds and choices of their own. He didn’t. And they have chosen me.
It’s his choice and not yours.

YABU to expect him to leave the county he lives in, his family and friends for the main part of the Christmas period to go to a country where it’s just you his dad and siblings , when it’s clear he doesn’t want to. I don’t think you are doing it with any malice and I do feel for you , it’s lovely that you care for him enough as a stepmother to be sad about his absence and I would love my children to have a stepmother with that love and care for them , but he’s at uni , is he living away from home ? This means he doesn’t see his mom and friends from where he lives as much as he used to so this time is probably precious . He’s used to being away from you all so it’s probably easier to be away but he may not be used to that with his mum . I would understand more if you lived where he did but this is another country . Back home he probably has extended family , friends that he will go to the pub with Xmas eve etc , yet with you it sounds like it’s just you and dad. Yes it will be lovely to see his siblings but let’s face it once they have opened presents they will be focused on their toys probably?

It’s a shame , but with seperated parents usually the child is closer to one parent. My youngest loves me to bits but at his dads he Is an only child and spoilt rotten ( in a lovely way ) so he prefers his dads Xmas celebrations, whereas my eldest loves his dad to bits but definitely is closer to me and prefers being here . It’s nothing against either parent!

Don’t pressure your DSS , it’s his Christmas too , instead make the time you have with him magical . Maybe hold a few of your children’s presents back and give them a second Christmas Day when he is there , that is something they can look forward to x

So you have decided what he should feel, that is not fair on him

You’re being silly. He is a grown man who wants to be with his friends and primary family. Most people feel the same at Christmas. Stop making it about you and leave him alone.

If Spanish don't celebrate Christmas like we do why is it so important to see this extended family?
And if Grandad is dying surely that makes it more important that his grandson visits him on Boxing Day or whenever you do.
I think it would be very hurtful to not accept this young man's kind offer of four days and maybe not bode well for future relationships.

It really is all about you isn't it.

You're 'hurt' that an adult who has never spent Christmas with you won't fall in line and do exactly what you want when you want and how you want.

Why do you want him there? In your post it appears to be because your children want him to be there or you have some ideal of a 'family Christmas' with everyone together.

That is not how your family is. It's certainly not how his family is - the reality of his family is split parents and split loyalties, being pulled in different directions.

He is offering to come and see you when he can - be grateful for that and facilitate it if at all possible.

My teenage stepsons have never wanted to spend Christmas with us either and we live close. We have a tradition of seeing them on boxing day instead and it's nice.

Incidentally, I used to fly to a destination in Europe for £60 return. It's now £180 return. No change in dates.

If money is the focus, think how much money you’ve “saved” over the course of his life by him not living with you.

I agree with this. But also it’s okay to feel sad. Just don’t let it spoil the good.

Could he come for día de Los Reyes instead?

Yep, as said, Spaniards don't celebrate Christmas like we do. It isn't a big hoo ha. This to me again says you are just turning it into a weaponised drama.

And all these conversations are taking place on 4-5 December? THAT'S why it costs 400 quid!

Can't he fly to an airport nearer to where the grandparents are, meaning you don't have the eight hour drives?

Might even be cheaper.

Could he come for día de Los Reyes instead?

Christmas is an insanely busy time for every one, your ds wants to do the traditional thing and see his family at Christmas, he wants to see his dad, and like any older teen it is important to him to have new years out with his friends.

He is not being unreasonable. He never made the situation where he had parents in different countries. If it is important for your dh to spend time with him at Christmas then work around the days he is available and don't make him having other things on over Christmas a battle.

He is only just an adult, playing the "own free will (not dictated by his mother)" card just makes you sound like you are trying to get him to choose visiting you as point scoring.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams I think your suggestions are great, this type of thinking is the way forward to build a positive relationship in the future.

You are being totally unreasonable.

Do not lay the guilt on him. And honestly yes, maybe he doesn't consider you his real family and that would be fine. It's one of the sad realities of divorce and remarriage.

I haven't celebrated NYE with my parents since I was 12. NYE is for mates Xmas for friends.

So he has been brought up by his mum back in the UK, since he was 7, which was 12 years ago? Also, he has a Step Dad who has brought him up here, and maybe possibly siblings too. Am I near right here?

If so, that made his dad living in another country most of the year, and the child has grown up with little relationship with him. That's no ones fault. It is what comes when you divorce someone who is from another country.

He's 19, his world is his mums and his step families, his friends and his partner. He probably just doesn't want to come.

I suspect that this isn't an issue for you at all. You say your young children want him there to open their presents with. I doubt that. They will hardly know him, and he is an adult. You also complain about his mum monopolising him. No, she is just his mum, who loves him. There is no way I would want my DC plane hoping to other countries when he was young, even with his dad. I'd want him within my vicinity, just in case he needs me. Not controlling, just caring.

I think your thread is kind of a reverse. I think you don't actually care whether he comes or not, but have highlighted these things that are off, or are issues, for your own entertainment.

This. If you have to pay it anyway why not just for a few days.

Otherwise YABU. He’s allowed to spend time with who he wants at Christmas, he’s an adult now and free to make his own choice.

Pick a Spanish holiday. Kings day, local Feria etc and give him a good reason to be with you all at a time where there are less personal conflicts. Make it something he wants to come to, with a friend, girlfriend, children eventually. My cousin lives in Andalusia. Her children come this way for Christmas, back to Spain for Kings day and everyone visits them over the Easter holidays every year before it gets too hot,

My three DCs university days, Christmas was a squeeze anyway with studying for exams, seeing family, New year with friends, we didn't get to see them a lot it's a short break.

For goodness sake. You really are making a problem here where there isn’t one.
it’s perfect normal for a 19 yr old to want to meet friends at new year.
it would be wise to graciously welcome him on the days he is coming. He’s coming in Boxing Day isn’t he, lucky you.

Your poor stepson. He's willing to commit 4 days of his holidays and do all the travelling and he's getting a hard time. It's not his faulty his parents live in separate countries. It's not his fault that logistics are difficult on those days because you have different priorities. He has his family traditions like your kids do - when your kids are 19 you'll want them home with you like DSS's mum does. You are being really unfair and selfish on this one.

Genuine family love is about quality not quantity. Yes it sucks needing to spend so much and drive heaps for effectively 2 full days together. Bug you will still spend that much and drive lots for “forcing him to stay longer”. Please don’t pressure him or make him feel bad. Embrace the experience for what it is and if could be super lovely for everyone.