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Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
Workworkandmoreworknow · 05/12/2023 10:45

It's his home as far as he's concerned not his 'home'. Wow.

I am not sure why you expect a 19 year old to favour spending time with family for the whole of the festive period? He's happy to visit, just not on your terms.

CottonC · 05/12/2023 10:34

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:48

So basically your not willing to prioritise him yet your expecting him to prioritise you.

@Superaline991 remember it's not his fault his parents split up. The reason why you're all in this situation in the first place is because your DH and his ex decided to break up his family. Kids are always the ones who suffer the most and continue to do so in adulthood (this is why all this 'LTB' nonesense on this forum for every single marital problem is so selfish because it doesnt adequately consider the permanent impact on the kids). While other kids with intact families can enjoy drama free proper family Christmas with both parents around in peace , he's been forced to navigate fractured relationships and inter country travel which is no fault of his own and must be stressful for him, at a time he should be relaxing.

Give him a break and let him celebrate Christmas where he wants. Also it's understandable he doesn't want to spend Christmas with a bunch of younger children who aren't his full siblings since he won't have anything in common with them as he's now in a different stage in life. I understand you want them to be close but at the end of the day, they're part of you and DH's "new" family so it's not the same as having full siblings with the same parents.

Badlylitdescent · 05/12/2023 10:28

Beautiful3 · 05/12/2023 10:01

He does love you all, but he is a young man now. He wants to hang with mates and see women. I'd leave him to it. He can always facetime you guys, when the kids are opening presents on Christmas day. He probably won't want to come for 4 days. When he's a bit older and has a girlfriend, he'll be more inclined to visit. Hopefully it will be in advance, so booking won't be an issue.

^^ Exactly this!

Do not take this personally or “be hurt”. This isn’t about you! I don’t have experience of step children but I do have teens! This is a perfectly natural and normal reaction at his age!

Instead be happy that his mother and father annd you have instilled enough confidence in him that he wants to flex his wings a bit this year. He has to break away during this teenage years to become a man, at which point he will come back to you and your dh. Don’t hinder that process and be suffocating or take things personally, or he will stay away!

andyourpointiswhat · 05/12/2023 10:26

Christmas tradition for this young man is to spend it with his mum, not sure why you think he is suddenly going to want to change this because you want him to. He is offering to come on Boxing Day so he is clearly happy to spend time with you and his dad but it is absolutely not unreasonable of him not to change his traditions to suit you.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/12/2023 10:23

I don't think there is anything personal in his decisions. I noticed with my adult..single kids they want Christmas to be the same every year. They just want to be home and everything to be exactly as usual. It's like a comfort thing for them. Also one of my ds flies in from abroad for Christmas. We will be lucky to see
him for 2 days as he is catching up with friends from college..popping here and there to parties .
Forget about Christmas and don't bother building it up to a big lathing. When his exams are over fly him over for a long weekend and enjoy seeing him. That age hate to be under pressure. Just let him be.

BrimfulOfMash · 05/12/2023 10:23

It’s not his fault that the flights are expensive, you and DH have chosen those days to go to the country or that he has young siblings that mean his trip can’t be afforded.

Go to the country over Christmas and stay in town for his visit?

I can see it is sad for you and DH that he prefers to stay in the UK for Christmas and NY, but he has hard choices to make, and limited time before going back to Uni.

Maybe your DH should have set up an ‘alternate Christmas’ arrangement from when he was small. Or moved to the UK.

123sunshine · 05/12/2023 10:17

My stepson hasn't spent Christmas day with his dad in 12 years. He's always had a tradition where he comes on Boxing day. When I met my husband and my children began alternating Christmas day with their dad, it wasn't always convinent for the adults involved and with Stepson so fixated on the day he visited, but we made it work so the kids were happy. Though one year we did mix it up and escaped for a week by ourselves on holiday and did Christmas early. Teenagers do like traditions of Christmas i.e. in your case always spending Christmas day with his mum, plus there will be an obligation in their too. Which is maybe how he feels about comming to you in the period between Christmas and New year. A lesson for next year is to make those decisons a lot earlier when the flights will be cheaper. Also he may not want to travel around to see extended family in Spain. Everyone has their own agenda and options in the dynamic. When I was 19, I was out Xmas eve with friends, and out again boxing day night with friends, the bit in the middle with family, really wasn't a priority!
This year my ex is overseas for the xmas duration, my daughter isn't going at all as she has a part time job over xmas and wants to keep job and earn money and my son who is back from uni is going after xmas to the new year (as he wants to spend some time with dad but alos I suspect as he's broke and hasn't got the money to go partying this year!) You have to let them do their own thing at that age. Any pressure creates tensions and then the tenagers just ruin everything sulking!

Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 10:13

jolies1 · 04/12/2023 14:22

Totally agree with other posters why not suggest he comes after NY if flights are better and make a new tradition for your kids and your SS? It sounds like you have a lot of valid reasons why the dates SS has given don’t work for you but aren’t willing to consider he also has his own valid reasons for wanting to come then?

Because he has exams after new years and need to revise, he’s very studious. He said after new years won’t work as he will literally sit in his room 6 hours a day.

no I did not invent the inconvenience. Seems a lot of posters just want to be nasty for the sake of it

OP posts:
RedGreenYellowSchmellow · 05/12/2023 10:12

It is very normal in divorced families. 26th is still xmas? My step brother who was in this same situation would come 27-30 to us after spending 25th with his mum. I think rather than complaining and making it into an issue, you should actually have a care for him, appreciate him having to travel around between two families to make everyone happy...

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 10:03

Tbh I think you're seeing it through the eyes of having "young children". It is really NOT the same.

Don't be hurt.

Beautiful3 · 05/12/2023 10:01

He does love you all, but he is a young man now. He wants to hang with mates and see women. I'd leave him to it. He can always facetime you guys, when the kids are opening presents on Christmas day. He probably won't want to come for 4 days. When he's a bit older and has a girlfriend, he'll be more inclined to visit. Hopefully it will be in advance, so booking won't be an issue.

IHeartBiscuits · 05/12/2023 09:55

I'd accept what he can do with good grace personally. You are still getting to see him over the Christmas period. Personally, when I was 20/21 and at uni, I couldn't wait to get the family Christmas over with to go and stay with my boyfriend (fortunately I got on very well with BF family) and see friends from that area from 27th until Jan 4th. At that age it's all about friends mainly and also familiarity. He might just really, really like Christmas at his mum's, it's what he's always known.

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 09:55

If you can't afford £400 then you simply say so and say next year you'll need to get something booked a bit sooner.

You can't say oh we would pay £400 but only if you stay for longer and on Christmas Day, that's appalling .

Poor lad no wonder he's vacillating about it now. He thought he had found a solution to appease everyone and allow him to spend NYE with his pals, but instead his DF seems to expect him to spend the whole holiday with him or he won't pay for his flights.

Next year I imagine he won't be visiting at all.

Baftler · 05/12/2023 09:51

If he is at uni does he not have a long Christmas break? Ds has 4 weeks, we are picking him up this weekend. You can check his term dates online. Could he come either before Christmas or after New Year so he can spend longer with you all?

His Christmas tradition has always been to spend it with her maternal side of the family so I can see why he is gravitating towards that. It is sad for his Dad and you and his siblings. But understand he is probably being pulled in that direction from his Mum. Her tradition is to spend it with her son. Very difficult.

emmypa · 05/12/2023 09:50

YABU. Pay for his flights and rearrange the visits with DH's other relatives.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 09:48

Given you’re in a different country to where he grew up and him always having Christmas at home I’m not surprised that’s where he’s rather be.

I agree. I wouldn't read too much into it.

Theunamedcat · 05/12/2023 09:44

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it

Maybe next year

ActDottie · 05/12/2023 09:40

As you said yourself he’s free to do what he wants for Christmas so let him. Pay for the flights for 26-30 and enjoy the time with him.

Given you’re in a different country to where he grew up and him always having Christmas at home I’m not surprised that’s where he’s rather be.

Guesswho88 · 05/12/2023 09:35

Ridiculous.

Anisette · 05/12/2023 09:32

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

Rearrange the visit to the extended family for early January?

Bookworm1111 · 05/12/2023 09:28

Maybe he doesn't want to come at all across the festive period and that's why he's being non-committal about confirming dates. He's back from uni and probably wants to catch up with his old school friends while enjoying his usual Christmas with his mum and her family. That's no reflection on your DH and the rest of you, it's because he's 19 and probably doesn't want the faff of flying to Spain on Boxing Day and then having a four-hour car drive into the countryside only to do the return journey a couple of days later. I would basically give him an out and say that you'd love to see him over Christmas but it's okay if he wants to come at another time instead.

shearwater2 · 05/12/2023 09:27

It's nice that he wants to come for four days just after Christmas, I would encourage that.

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 09:27

Can he get flights that arrive near his DGF ? May be cheaper and cuts out a lot of the driving.

Zwicky · 05/12/2023 09:22

we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother)

It’s pretty normal for a 19yo who has spent every Christmas of his life with his mum, even if they have a dad who has made a real effort to stay in touch, to still spend Christmas at “home”, or even at home, with their mum. It’s batshit to say the mother, who has actually brought him up and still provides his “home” is some sort of dictator. You expect him to love his mum less than your dc love you, or your dh loves his dad. It’s a busy time, he will have friends, his mums family, studying (normal to have assignments due and exams in January) and presumably has some sort of work too. It’s not his fault that his dad lives in Spain, it’s not his fault his grandfather lives so far from his dad, it’s not his fault that his dad and stepmum think it’s not worth visiting for 4 days, it’s not his fault that last minute flights in Christmas week are expensive. Maybe when he gets a break in between semesters it would be a good opportunity for a holiday and visit with his grandad if it’s not worth coming for 4 days. You are prioritising other family members and but are snippy when he gives you dates he is available.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 09:19

Los Reyes?