Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

I would say just this year, this is a tricky time as he's just an adult, that you suck up the money (if you can stretch really hard just once) and the inconvenience. It's a turning point this year. Tread carefully. See it as an investment in future Christmases.

@Superaline991 as others have said, Saudi Arabia is a strawman argument.

To be blunt, your husband failed his son. He prioritised whatever he was doing in Spain / letting his ex take him away to be the real day to day parent, over properly bringing up and having a close relationship with his own child. Unbelievable.

He's lucky his son is even considering spending time with him over the Christmas period when he could be spending it with the family he grew up with/his friends and he should bl**dy well pay the £400.

So you’re complaining because you think he is prioritising the other side of the family and friends yet you don’t sound like you’re prioritising DSS and you want him to come but on your terms? Could you not see extended family once DSS goes home or have him on the dates he’s asked for and suck it up and do the drive

Saudi Arabia 🤔

Seriously clutching at straws with using that to try and support your arguement.

If your husband was truly prioritising his son's happiness, he would have moved to the UK to be around him, after splitting up with his wife.

It sounds like he did his best to visit, but long weekends etc and short visits are not the same as having your dad around all the time.

You said yourself, he is 19, a young adult. The world has just opened up to him.

He has offered some dates that mess up your husband's plans to visit other family.

Let his son lead on when he wants to visit. If he is guilted into it, are feels railroaded being given different dates to what he has offered, he will stop bothering, start avoiding your calls etc.

This. The fact that his dad doesn't appear to care what his son actually wants (to spend Xmas at home), and thinks that this offer isn't good enough speaks volumes.

Poor guy. When you have divorced parents, Christmas brings a shed load of guilt and unrealistic expectations from various family members. He will offend/upset someone no matter what he does, because he can't be in two places at once.

It's bad enough being in that situation without your parents acting "hurt" and actively guilt tripping you.

Wanting to spend Christmas in his home country with what he presumably considers his nuclear family is completely understandable.

A nineteen year old not being interested in spending time with his mates over Christmas is more of a worry than one who doesn't.

It's not mum v dad. It's much more than that.

Are you seriously comparing Spain to Saudi Arabia?

international custody agreements are possible (if both parents are willing).
Or your DH could have decided to move to the UK.
Or spend the holidays with his son (in the UK).

he did not. We do not have enough information to know whether your DH truly prioritised his son’s wellbeing when making that decision.

maybe it was. But decisions have consequences. In this case your DH’s decision mean that the UK is his DS’s home and that his mother is his primary parent. Wanting to spend Christmas in his home country with what he presumably considers his nuclear family is completely understandable.

@Superaline991 there are a lot of "we think" in your original post.

Please just go to your DH and ask him what he wants to happen and listen to his answer without interrupting.

If you genuinely can't afford £400 then there's nothing to discuss. If it's more that it seems like a high amount for such a short trip and not what you're used to paying, then it's different.

I bet your DH wants to see his DS, this could be resolved by one phone call tonight and a flight booking.

Why are you talking about Saudi Arabia?

That's a total and utter strawman argument which has fuck all to do with anything but to try and win your argument on MN.

Bottom line: step son is willing to fly to see you, but you don't want to accommodate it because it's expensive and doesn't fit with other plans which you are prioritising over seeing the step son. But you don't want to admit this. Instead you want to sling mud at the step son for not coming on the exact dates that suit you and are calling him selfish for not prioritising him. Even though you wouldn't prioritise him on dates that suit him better.

If I were him I'd just think 'fuck it' and say in the UK rather than deal with this bullshit.

Saudi fucking Arabia. Good grief.

How long do you expect him to visit to get your moneys worth?

Goodness, is there anything worse than family pressure at Xmas? Pour soul, at 19, he's got years of it as well.

So he has exams, cool. Forget christmas and work out when is convenient for a visit.

At 19 I think it's fair enough to want to spend new years with friends. He's offered you four days over the Christmas period. I'd accept it.

@Superaline991 my point is the same but I meant UK - he should have moved UK to be with his son, or if there was absolutely no way he could move, block the move until his son was close to adulthood. Being "very traditional" would be a child being brought up both of their parents, not just one. A child having their father as a normal active part of their everyday life is irreplaceable and far more important than the ex's wishes. A father is not less important than a mother.

Your husband was given a choice. A loving parent who wants to be an active everyday part of their child's life would never agree to their child being moved to a different country. If you broke up with your husband and he wanted to move country with the kids, would you let him? I expect not, and you'd be very right not to let him do so.

I think you don’t want to spend the money so turning your poor stepson into the bad guy to make you feel better about yourself! How does your DH feel about this? Doesn’t sound like their divorce was as amicable as you are saying seeing as you’ve outright implied that your stepson has been manipulated into staying at “home” all these years.
He sounds lovely bless him. No way I would be flying out on Boxing Day to be met with an eight hour drive across the country. Why can’t you visit your family members at new year instead? It’s only a couple of days and they are all adults so would understand surely

I think you need to step back and let DH make the decision.

This should have been a happy event - DSS is choosing to take 4 days from his small window to spend with you. He will get to see his DGF for what might be the last time. He will have lots of time with his DF on the journey- car journeys are great for getting teens to talk.

Instead you have made it about your hurt feelings and money.

His Christmas tradition os to spend it with his mum in that home.

Pay for his flights. 4 days is plenty.

YABU sorry @Superaline991 And get used to it - because the older they get, the less time adult children will want to spend with their parents. (Til around mid 30s, when they have grown up a bit/got kids of their own.)

This!

He's a teenager and has always spent Christmas with his mum and doesn't want to change that. Seems she didn't dictate to him at all as this is what he wants to do

This.

@Superaline991 Just read he's got exams. In which case you're lucky he's coming at all. In his place i wouldnt. Certainly not for a dad who chose never to be part of my everyday childhood life anyway. If your DH really cared, he would have moved to Spain so he could see his son much more often during his childhood. Your DH is reaping what he's sown. If I was a parent, there's no way I would live in a different country from my child. Would you?

If i was his son, I would have instead visited another time of the year which was less pressured study wise. And he's coming to see his dad rather than you or your kids, who realistically dont have anything to do with him.

He's going to have your kids around making noise, trying to interact with him etc which would make it harder for him to study so he's making a real sacrifice. Plus his dad also having to naturally share attention with his younger kids so he won't have full on father son time either.

You could always celebrate Christmas on the date that he comes, you can bet your boots he won't even spend that much time with his mum because at that age they would rather be out with their mates.

Look at Flyla. They do cheap late booked flights for students.