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Original poster

How do I make my husband leave me?

140 replies

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:14

I'm desperate for him to leave me. He seems so irritated by me and the kids and I would find things easier if he wasn't around all the time. I don't love him I don't think.

But if leave him he will make everything impossible. He "jokes" that he will tell everyone I'm a drunk. He has made comments about "winning" if we split. He's v petty.

If he leaves me, we will manage things. He's v good with the kids and we can co parent together I believe. But if I leave him, I suspect the kids will suffer as a result of DH putting me through hell and courts

Am I being totally mad to try and get him to leave me? Just stop making any effort. Am I being really ridiculous or could that ever work?

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 03/12/2023 22:52

You could catfish him. Set up a fake SM profile pretending to be a local woman, get him chatting, that sort of thing.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 03/12/2023 22:52

He’s not gonna leave you my love, if he wanted you left he would’ve left you by now.

MelsMoneyTree · 03/12/2023 22:49

He has no reason to leave so he won't. And it's doubtful you can manufacture a reason that will work.
Your fears regarding access and vindictiveness are understandable but as a PP said, his responses are his and you can't actually control or manipulate them.
Speak to Women's Aid. Their advice might help you to see your options differently.

Perfectpeonies · 03/12/2023 22:45

This is actually incredibly smart.

if you leave him he will never forgive you and you’ll be punished for the rest of your life.

make it his idea and he’ll feel like he’s ‘won’.

very careful get your affairs in order - be careful not to get found out

Aposterhasnoname · 03/12/2023 22:43

Sorry, but you are kidding yourself if you think he’ll be reasonable if he leaves you. There’s an entire script, in which he’ll rewrite history with you as the bad the guy. Search mumsnet for the script, it’s all there.

stonedaisy · 03/12/2023 22:40

Can you talk to him, say to him dont you think this is done? Wouldn't we be better off apart? List the benefits

wildwestpioneer · 03/12/2023 22:37

I think you need to do your homework beforehand, get good legal advice with a solicitor that is experienced in dealing with people like your dh. Find out what family courts will be like (not just gossip) and what things you'll need to have that will help.

Get all documents etc copied online with what your solicitor tells you.

Then hunker down for the long run. The sooner you kick off divorce proceedings the sooner it'll be finished. Leave it another year and you'll be a year further down the line before it's finished

JanglyBeads · 03/12/2023 22:36

That sort will never leave, you'll have to do it.

And as others have said, there is absolutely no point in trying to make him behave well / not blame you and do abusive things as a "consequence". He'll manufacture Dep thing to blame you for whatever happen.

Original poster
JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 22:35

@ThinWomansBrain Definitely not Daily mail stuff. BBC investigation. Numerous Guardian reports. I totally get I can't live in fear but the family courts being shit and traumatising for kids is not sensationalist reporting, but fairly well understood.

OP posts:
laclochette · 03/12/2023 22:34

If you "make him leave you" you're still really leaving him, as you're the instigator. I can't see a way that he wouldn't see and experience it that way.

I couldn't agree more with @Verybadbride - you can only control your actions. You can't control his. Get your financial ducks in a row. Get all the evidence you can to support your case. Get evidence of his threats and assertions, if there are any in text messages etc.

GrumpyOldCrone · 03/12/2023 22:31

I don’t think it’s a good idea to pretend to be seriously unwell. But I do think it could be effective in your situation. The gamble would be if he discovers the lie, which could make everything much worse.

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 22:30

You can’t control people.

Just gather all your financials and go see a solicitor

ThinWomansBrain · 03/12/2023 22:27

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:21

@Eyesopenwideawake have you read stories from family courts recently? I wish things were going to be that simple. I'm trying to protect my kids.

Ever considered that the Daily Fail etc reports the stuff that are exceptions? And probably overdramatises them.
Plus, if he physically threatens the judge as reported last week, it's hardly going to go in his favour.

Original poster
JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 22:22

everybluesock · 03/12/2023 21:23

The amount of women I read here who feel they don't have any agency in their own life is really upsetting.

It's not that I don't have agency. I have a very heavy mistrust for the family courts & legal system, and a real knowledge of how vindictive my husband can be. I'm trying to work out the way to be without him, while mitigating risk.

It may be that I have to grab the nettle as others have said, but I'm not scared or dependent, I'm trying to be smart.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 03/12/2023 21:41

OP for the love of god. You can do this. Just say neither of you are happy, there is no love anymore so you might as well start divorce proceedings and tell him you hope you can co-parent well then flip the conversation fully to the kids.

Make the divorce a foregone conclusion.

Go see a solicitor first.

NuffSaidSam · 03/12/2023 21:38

If you're having sex with him, stop. Tell him you've been diagnosed with a condition that means you can't ever have sex again. Tell him you don't want him to suffer through a sexless marriage and although it would break your heart, you'd be ok if he wanted to leave to pursue another relationship.

samqueens · 03/12/2023 21:38

Verybadbride · 03/12/2023 21:23

You are making the mistake of trying to manage his behaviour through your own actions.

You cannot ensure he behaves in a particular way; you cannot appease him to ensure he behaves well, you cannot tie yourself in knots so that he is reasonable. If he wants to be an arsehole, he'll be an arsehole. You cannot engineer the circumstances of your split in the hope that if you do it "right" he'll behave well but if you do it "wrong" he'll behave badly.

You need to leave him and accept that he'll behave however he wants. Think about what your kids are learning about relationships from you both, if you stay.

This is great advice. You can only manage your behaviour, and not his.

If there is anything at all you think he’ll use against you then do as much as you can to neutralize it as a possibility (eg. don’t have a cheeky glass of wine on a Friday evening if you think he’s going to try and make out you’re a drinker - it’ll be a lot harder for him to do that if you just don’t drink).

Accept that you might need time to build your exit strategy and give yourself space to do that - get all the advice you can for free and make sure you have your own bank account so you can also get decent legal advice about divorce.

If he enjoys hurting you, being unkind etc etc then I reckon he is very unlikely to leave you - and if he does he will drag you and the kids through hell emotionally first anyway.

You might find Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? helpful (read discreetly, download on kindle app/Apple Books).

I hope you’re in a manageable financial position to make a divorce feasible. Don’t have any expectations of him vis a vis the children post split - if you can co-parent amicably that’s a massive achievement, but all your talk of court suggests he is unlikely to be that easy to deal with. Just take things as they come - you can’t see everything that’s going to come, just try to manage what you can.

good luck 💐

ALightOverThere · 03/12/2023 21:36

Just leave him. He’s not going to leave you while he can enjoy provoking you. He might be a shit, you’re right- let your lawyer deal with it.

ChanelNo19EDT · 03/12/2023 21:36

I know what you mean op. My x hated me for leaving him. I left with nothing, debts and dependents and still he hated me, for years if you asked him now 17 years later, he'd still hate me. If only he'd been the one to make the decision.
Ideas.
Another pregnancy,not really obviously
Find religion
Be sick so he has to look after kids more
Tell him you are having tests to see if you have MS, OR describe the symptoms and make him think I've got to end this before I look like the bad guy

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 21:34

I completely ignored my exdh. Watched tv upstairs every night. Took kids out in day. Basically acted like he wasn't worth speaking to. He got sick of this and decided to stay at his mums to 'show me what I'm missing' I changed the locks. Met him in a pub and told him it was over. Bought him out the mortgage and never looked back.

OhmygodDont · 03/12/2023 21:33

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 21:29

Who ends a marriage as the other person farts 😂

Show quote history

I mean not the farting alone but if you add it all together he might find her repulsive 🤞😂

C1N1C · 03/12/2023 21:32

Just stop sex altogether... guys have a low tolerance for that.

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 21:29

OhmygodDont · 03/12/2023 21:26

Stop making any effort at all for him. Be that his washing or dinner, or even how your dress/make up when dossing at home (if you do) don’t have sex with him. Maybe start loudly farting infront of him. Make yourself not desirable to him and hope he takes off with another women basically.

Who ends a marriage as the other person farts 😂

OhmygodDont · 03/12/2023 21:26

Stop making any effort at all for him. Be that his washing or dinner, or even how your dress/make up when dossing at home (if you do) don’t have sex with him. Maybe start loudly farting infront of him. Make yourself not desirable to him and hope he takes off with another women basically.

ThreeRingCircus · 03/12/2023 21:26

Your children are living in a home with parents that don't love each other and don't particularly like each other by the sound of it. Damage will already be being done now and you want to drag things out longer and make things even more awkward? You're not being rational here. You need to make the move to leave.