How do I make my husband leave me?

Anyways

Get religious have loads of witnesses to you having sober fun don't drink a drop over Christmas and new year but ofc encourage him to continue drinking

This

He is more likely to stay hone if he dumps you I get that I dumped a guy he spent months winning me over only to ditch me within a few weeks his ego literally couldn't take me leaving him after he left me l never heard from him again

Even if he decides to leave you, he might still be a shit and put you through family court. If you want it to end, gather everything you need, quietly, and seek legal advice now. Can you get him to make these threats in writing and screenshot them? For example, text him with ‘I think we should split’ and see what he replies?

OP, please understand that even if he decided to leave, he would STILL be vengeful and would pull out all the stops. Men like this have to punish anyone who does not perform as an adequate 'appliance'. Whatever you do to get him to leave you, you would be falling short of functional wife-appliance status and thus would be worthy of punishment.

Being the instigator of the divorce is the best way to cut his accusations down at the source - "funny that I'm divorcing HIM if I'm a drunk!"

As others have said, take control of your life - because otherwise he keeps control and could choose to divorce you at any time it suits him - and he will then drag you through courts in the way you are so keen to avoid - see above.

@Sapphire387 Whatca facetious thing to say. It is obvious that the OPs husband has shown shitty, manipulative behaviour, so flippantly suggesting she just leaves is daft.

Stop shaving your legs, armpits. Wear clothes he doesn't like.

There is something in this. A fairly high percentage of men leave sick or terminally ill spouses. He'll probably be off like a shot if he thinks there's a possibility he might have to care for you in the future.

I guess it depends on whether bullying you gives him enough pleasure to hold onto the relationship whatever you do, which is surely impossible to assess. Refusing to sleep with him (or pretending you can’t) might merely result in him getting sex elsewhere. Not doing his washing well might just give him more excuses to abuse you more. And in the meantime, your children are witnessing it all.

I don’t have any easy answers for you, OP, but good luck with escaping, however you manage it.

Could you go vegan (assuming he likes meat) and refuse to cook or eat any non vegan meals? If you do the washing, keep doing his but in a haphazard manner so he randomly runs out of pants or work shirts. Stop having sex or showing any interest in him. Play on your phone or switch on the TV when he's talking to you. Buy a couple of extravagant items for yourself from joint money but buy him a really cheap Christmas present (or start to separate your money as much as possible).

To me, it emphasises how many men are what the Freedom Programme calls Dominators.

Assertiveness doesn't always mean standing up and being direct. It can mean stonewalling, fogging, and various other techniques borrowed from an abuser's handbook - especially when dealing with irrational bullies.

Anything you do that would make him leave you would trigger the same response in him though surely. I left because she did x, y, z

But it really emphasises how many women sadly don't?

Agreed

Where do the "you're a drunk" threats come from?

You're going to have to do it OP. I don't think my ex would ever have made that decision. We'd still be living in misery together

Are you fearful of his behaviour if you walked out?
Threats do not mean he will "win" nor does how he plays you into fearing a split.
The courts see this often it won't be the first idiot or the last.
When he has legal fees to pay, he might change his mind and focus on the actual issues of the children's care, not stories about you as a mother, if not q
Who cares he's a desperate moron.
Keep any notable abuse!

I don't know what to say to you @JackTheSad but I do feel for you.

I urge you to take advice on how you could work this out for yourself.

Just don't be left like some of who no matter what we did, couldn't get the bastard to move out because it's "his house" - although it's just as much mine! - and can only live in hope of his early demise...

If you have a spare bedroom, get it sorted as you want it & move in. Stop shopping, cooking & washing for him, just do it for dc & you. Get a TV in your room & treat it like a bedsit, have a kettle, mugs, hot drinks of choice, buy a mini fridge for snacks. As soon as dc go to bed, go to your room to relax, no small talk, just get up & go. Separate as much of your finances as you can, get all your money in your own account, get your ducks in a row, get as much financial information about him as you can, book an appointment with a solicitor to get an idea of where you would stand financially. At home, treat him as if you have already separated & grey rock all his threats, keep a diary of him showing off as it could be useful to prove abuse if you need to.

If he is as vicious as you say, could you get video or recorded evidence of these acts. It might really help.

Make him believe that he can get a better woman than you. Inflate his ego and point him into right direction ( away from you).

@JackTheSad

You say you “irritate” him, that the kids “irritate” him and that you don’t “think” you love him!

How old are the children? How long have you been together/married? How old is he?

You say that life will be easier without him - this might be true, but how is life harder with him?

What does he do to make you think he’s “irritated”?

If/when you decide to leave, take the wind out of his sails! Think of all the things he might say about you, then before you leave, tell everyone you know, mutual friends, family, etc., that he has said that he will tell xxx lies about you, so that when he does, they’re not surprised and they don’t believe him! If possible, try to record him saying these things to you.

You say that he’s “v. good” with the kids - isn’t he irritated by them?

How could you coparent effectively with a man who will lie about you, and “put [you] through hell”? What does that look like?

You are being ridiculous if you think there’s some magic solution that you can fall back on to make your H leave.

Anything you do to try to to get him to leave will backfire - putting on weight, lying about a disease/illness, crying all the time - these things will make you look unstable (not the weight gain).

The only way that you could engineer a scenario where he leaves you, is reasonable and doesn’t put you through hell or the courts, is if you write a script and give him a copy of it, so he can learn his part.

If he puts you through hell and through the courts, your children won’t suffer because they won’t know anything about it, unless you tell them, and why would you?

It seems like you want to get divorced and not put any effort into it, like some magic bullet that ends your marriage on Monday night and all's good by Tuesday morning. That’s not reality.

Get your financials in order, copies of his wage slips, bank statements, mortgage/rent statements, keep a diary everyday of what he’s doing/his irritation/threats of alcoholism, etc., so that you’re prepared and most of all, seek help via Women’s Aid, a solicitor, and anyone else who is prepared/wants to help, find somewhere to live and leave.

A family member (with grown children, albeit they still lived at home) didn’t want to leave the marital home, fought tooth and nail for it and ended up not being able to afford it and selling it at a loss and moving into a much smaller, decrepit house, which 20 years later is still decrepit as they can’t afford the repairs! Plus the ex spouse put them through hell and I said then, as I’ll say to you, no house is worth your mental health!

Some exes can’t be reasonable, so no matter what. Your H may be one of those unreasonable ones. Offer 50/50 for the children, where he has them one week and you have them the next. If he’s as irritated by them as you say, he might not want this, or he might try in the short term, realise that he doesn’t want to be a single parent for 26 weeks of the year and tell you that he would rather have weekends or some other arrangement.

Your H can only drag you through hell, or the courts, if you’re offering an unreasonable (in his eyes) amount of time. So don’t do that. Offer him a proper 50/50 arrangement and let him be the one to say he doesn’t want it.

If he’s such narcissistic, unreasonable and selfish man, he won’t leave, no matter what and he will get pleasure from any weight gain, crying, or any other thing you try to get him to leave. So protect yourself, and seek legal help 🌺

OMG, I've only just realised (all these years later!) I wrote "perhaps his internal marriage model included an evasive husband and a wailing wife".

He finally left after I'd stopped "wailing" and, indeed, stopped making any effort whatsoever to have an emotionally meaningful relationship with him. My reptile brain must have figured it out back then - that was what he expected, and my instinct instructed me to deny him. He said he wanted me to be more detached but, actually, he fucking hated it. You wouldn't believe some of the provocations I ignored.

@JackTheSad, what marriage scenario d'you think your H is playing out in his emotionally dysfunctional mind? Long-suffering husband of a nag? High-minded professor who must be left in peace? You've only given us a very brief sketch; I'm sure you've got an in-depth view.

You can't trick him into being nice so don't do it. Get your financial ducks in a row, find someone who can explain to you the worst case where he goes out of his way to make life hell for you and what you can do to not let that happen.

Staying with him sounds like am incredibly toxic environment for your children and will affect them later in life. Just leave him and get it over with.