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Original poster

How do I make my husband leave me?

140 replies

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:14

I'm desperate for him to leave me. He seems so irritated by me and the kids and I would find things easier if he wasn't around all the time. I don't love him I don't think.

But if leave him he will make everything impossible. He "jokes" that he will tell everyone I'm a drunk. He has made comments about "winning" if we split. He's v petty.

If he leaves me, we will manage things. He's v good with the kids and we can co parent together I believe. But if I leave him, I suspect the kids will suffer as a result of DH putting me through hell and courts

Am I being totally mad to try and get him to leave me? Just stop making any effort. Am I being really ridiculous or could that ever work?

OP posts:
Justanything86 · 04/12/2023 10:48

I actually think being sick is the best option. Nothing serious just maybe post viral fatigue for an extended period of time so no makeup, no sex, minimal housework, lots of going up to bed early so you don't have to be around him.

BlueGrey1 · 04/12/2023 10:36

@PTSDBarbiegirl

Get a lawyers letter instructing him to leave the family home as you are separating.

What a strange thing to say, you cannot instruct someone to leave THEIR home

Zleep · 04/12/2023 10:26

Buy a second property where he can stay during the week/weekend closer to work. Start creating an easy exit for him where he knows he will be comfortable.

MsMarch · 04/12/2023 09:58

ChanelNo19EDT · 04/12/2023 09:35

A lot of people don't understand that an unreasonable man does not suddenly become reasonable when you leave him. My x would have taken me down, even though the children were passengers to that.
The agency over your own life is the goal but to get to that place you often have to walk around landmines. You can't control somebody else's behavior, no, but you can attempt to minimise the injury to his ego.

My x abused me through the courts. I won't go in to it, but although he hated me, he was outraged that I ended it. He is still furious about that 27 years on.

It's not that I had no agency. I wanted to get through it not completely depleted and eroded.

I have my own job, pension, secure home, some savings, but to get away from my x and to get to this place without destroying myself or traumatising the dc, I had to "manage" his ego.

Yes, I agree. And I think posters on here have been sympathetic and they're right to say that trying to get him to leave is not likely to work, but it's obvious which ones think it's just a case of "getting your ducks in a row" and which ones understand the reality of emotional y abusive and manipulative men.

OP, you do need to start making plans. Definitely seek legal help. Keep records of his behaviour. Have a concrete plan when you're ready, and stick to it.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2023 09:49

I suppose it depends how your life is now. Are you still having sex? Are you running around pretending you're happy? I suppose all you can do is be honest. Stop having sex you don't want. When it's just you two do stuff that makes you happy. That way there's no come back, you're just making your needs important.
Harder with kids as their needs matter too but I'd stop putting on so much of an act of you are

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 09:39

ChanelNo19EDT · 04/12/2023 09:35

A lot of people don't understand that an unreasonable man does not suddenly become reasonable when you leave him. My x would have taken me down, even though the children were passengers to that.
The agency over your own life is the goal but to get to that place you often have to walk around landmines. You can't control somebody else's behavior, no, but you can attempt to minimise the injury to his ego.

My x abused me through the courts. I won't go in to it, but although he hated me, he was outraged that I ended it. He is still furious about that 27 years on.

It's not that I had no agency. I wanted to get through it not completely depleted and eroded.

I have my own job, pension, secure home, some savings, but to get away from my x and to get to this place without destroying myself or traumatising the dc, I had to "manage" his ego.

I think a lot of people understand that, in fact everyone posting, the point being made is making your marriage so awful he feels forced to end it, is hardly likely to make him be reasonable.

hydriotaphia · 04/12/2023 09:39

Get some proper legal advice now.

ChanelNo19EDT · 04/12/2023 09:35

A lot of people don't understand that an unreasonable man does not suddenly become reasonable when you leave him. My x would have taken me down, even though the children were passengers to that.
The agency over your own life is the goal but to get to that place you often have to walk around landmines. You can't control somebody else's behavior, no, but you can attempt to minimise the injury to his ego.

My x abused me through the courts. I won't go in to it, but although he hated me, he was outraged that I ended it. He is still furious about that 27 years on.

It's not that I had no agency. I wanted to get through it not completely depleted and eroded.

I have my own job, pension, secure home, some savings, but to get away from my x and to get to this place without destroying myself or traumatising the dc, I had to "manage" his ego.

chocorabbit · 04/12/2023 09:14

If you leave you can't just take the children with you as he will call the police and say you have kidnapped them. If you leave without your children he will be the primary caregiver or you will show you don't care enough for them and he will be given most or all responsibility by the court. As @Crystalballplease said start gathering evidence of his threats and abusive behaviour. Then when you have enough abusive messages and insane accusations with him admitting "but nobody is going to believe you MWA HA HA" initiate divorce procedures. It's the only way. Try to force out of him as many written statements as possible on various pretenses over daily family life.

Nimello · 04/12/2023 08:35

The starting premise is always that the children's best interests is served by having both parents in their lives as equitably as possible

That's not true. It depends on what the children have experienced up to that point. If the children have had a SAHM and a dad who works long hours and hasn't been particularly involved in their day-to-day care, these children would have a reasonable expectation that this pattern would continue, albeit with their parents living separately. In this kind of situation, they would probably see their father every other weekend and one weekday night (or some such). If, however, the children have been equally cared for by both parents (if, say, both parents have worked f/t or p/t), then the expectation would be for their care to continue to be shared, and contact would be ordered based on that expectation.

Crystalballplease · 04/12/2023 07:51

Start gathering evidence of his threats and abusive behaviour

ALightOverThere · 04/12/2023 07:49

By the way, the advice to pretend to be ill is the worst on the thread. OP is trying to reduce trauma for her kids- making them think their mum is seriously unwell will hardly do this. And when it comes out that she’s faking (which it will) he’ll really have something to hold over her.

BigDahliaFan · 04/12/2023 07:48

He’s a bully and the only way of dealing with then is standing up to them and taking back control for yourself.i. Get some real life support…and good luck.

Dustpantsandbush · 04/12/2023 07:47

I don’t think him leaving you is suddenly going to make him reasonable towards you. However it ends, he’s going to be a cunt about it.

pickledandpuzzled · 04/12/2023 07:42

I can see why OP is trying this. And I think many women instinctively appease men and make their life comfortable. I think you can withdraw that attention without them really recognising what the difference is.

He’ll be uncomfortable and look elsewhere without being able to pinpoint why it’s your fault. Do not drink!

Cook meals he doesn’t much like. Forget to remind him about appointments, be less attractive- easily done for most of us, to be honest. Stop trying.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2023 07:38

Men nearly all threaten to drag you through the courts, take the kids and destroy your reputation OP. I've been divorced three times. 2 of them just gave up and went off without any fuss after threatening the above. The first tried it all on. The judge was having none of it. They have seen it all before trust me. All you have to do is keep your cool and refuse to engage in the tit for tat.
The courts couldn't give a monkeys about his thrates. They will allocate funds, kids fairly.
Go ahead and divorce him, keep calm, maintain a dignified silence, don't put up with his shit.
My ex went for custody of DS in a full on assault with lies and nonsense. In the end I was awarded full custody and it was ordered that he not see DS until he was 18 as the court felt his adversarial behaviour would harm DS.
Go ahead. Get your divorce. Be free.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 07:35

OP, I totally understand where you're coming from. SIL used to say the same. But you know he won't. He's mean and cruel and manipulative but.... he's like that by choice. This is what makes him happy so he won't leave.

And, even if he DID leave, it would STILL be your fault and he'd still be angry and resentful that YOU "made him" leave.

The best you can do is think carefully and clearly about wha you will do. Seek legal advice in advance and then harden your heart and close your ears to the venom and lies he will spill once you do leave.

Buffypaws · 04/12/2023 07:32

I second developing an illness. Also, read The Housemaid by Freida McFadden

ALightOverThere · 04/12/2023 07:30

Seriously, OP, the best way out is always through. Going vegan or stopping shaving your legs or whatever isn't magically going to make him leave and leaving isn't going to stop him being a shit.

Go and see a solicitor, make a plan to leave, get copies of relevant financial documents etc. If your accounts are all joint, open an individual one and put some money in it (not to hide cash from him but to ensure that you have money to live on if he clears out any joint accounts).

Plenty of men take the view that they'll "win" in the event of divorce- that's why we have a court system. They still get left. You sound like you're caught up in his games of winning and losing- get your head out of that space and take practical steps to sort things out. You're not in The Twits.

Tessabelle74 · 04/12/2023 07:29

You don't sound any better than he is. Your poor kids!

Brefugee · 04/12/2023 07:19

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:21

@Eyesopenwideawake have you read stories from family courts recently? I wish things were going to be that simple. I'm trying to protect my kids.

protect them from what? you said he's a good father. 50/50 seems a reasonable starting point for a good father.

Your issues with your DH are nothing to do with your children. You move out if you want to end it.

Epidote · 04/12/2023 07:14

I think you have a wishful thinking believing he is going to be nice if he leave. That is very unlikely, he is mean being in and I think he will be mean being out.

curaçao · 04/12/2023 06:59

Goldbar · 04/12/2023 05:16

There is something in this. A fairly high percentage of men leave sick or terminally ill spouses. He'll probably be off like a shot if he thinks there's a possibility he might have to care for you in the future.

Show quote history

I think it will have the opposite effect.He wont want to he judged for leavung his terminally ill wife.one day your manipulation will get to your kids.How do you think they will view someone who would do such a thing? Same with havung an affair

Howbizzare22 · 04/12/2023 06:51

He’s coerced you into staying with him by making all those threats about “if you leave me I’ll do this” but is awful to be with. Very abusive. He’s not going to leave you OP he’s enjoying the control and being abusive.
Listen your children are already suffering by you staying in this unhappy set up. Ignore the threats and leave- once and for all. Get out of this set up and move on. Short term pain for long term gain. Do you really want to continue in a life of misery. The sooner the better OP.

Mirabai · 04/12/2023 06:48

I can’t imagine this will work OP. You could stop having sex with him, stop talking to him, cooking and doing his washing, but this will simply make him as angry and vindictive as if you said you wanted a divorce.