How do I make my husband leave me?

You could phone an advice line for women who are suffering abuse or are in danger from their partners. You seem very scared of this man and what he might do. And/or find some counselling.

Could you record him being coercive and controlling OP? Maybe then get the police involved.

Does he get arsey when he's pissed? What are his weak points?

This

Tell him you've been told you can't drive anymore owing to an eyesight/ neurological issue.
He'll have to do the shopping, etc..

Just. Leave.

I think you’re clutching at straws thinking he’d be reasonable if he left you. He won’t.

Just bite the bullet and make the applications to court yourself.

Start treating him like crap, piss and moan at him over any and every single nuance. Start keeping "score" about who did what etc. Those are the things my DH did when he wanted to end the marriage, but didn't want to be seen as the "bad guy". He became a giant, petty, miserable arsehole, in the hope that I'd leave him, so he could "save face" and be the victim.

Ignore the comments from people who have no idea of how vengeful an scorned man can be.

Men kill women for trying to leave them. All the time.

But you will have to do it. Protect yourself, save money if possible, get emotionally stronger. Tell people about what goes on in your house. Write things down.

Lots of women do it, and they're usually happier after, even if it's very hard.

How old are your kids op?

Cat fish him and tempt him away with a fake profile?

Were these threats about saying you're a drunk and winning some sort of "what if" joking around, or do you think he is also unhappy and would like to leave, you just don't want to be the one that calls it?

If he doesn't want the relationship to end, I doubt any amount of ideas you could dream up would get him to suddenly decide he'll leave. By all means stop the pretence things are ok so if you don't want to have sex, don't, if you don't feel like doing stuff around the house, don't etc.

Ultimately, you can't live in misery out of fear, even though it's understandable. Try to think about what your life will be like in 5 years' time if you do or don't make this decision. You could be looking back on this as a tough time but have moved on, or you could look back and still be in the same position.

I would do everything you can to get your ducks in a row - financially, support network, kids etc and then approach it maybe by dropping hints initially to see where he is. It sounds like the best approach is to do it in a way that makes him feel like it's his idea e.g. "I can tell you're unhappy, I know you've thought about leaving too, do you want to call it?" sort of thing and hope he takes the lead? Maybe it doesn't matter who leaves who, it sounds like it's about him saving face.
Best of luck

"He seems so irritated by me and the kids"
"He will tell everyone I'm a drunk."

Is he justified with the comments with your drinking?

I'm going to sound harsh here, but you've said he's a good dad, just that he's irritated and says/thinks you're a drunk? Those comments don't suggest bad man, just frustrated/stressed man.

To me, if anything, this sounds more like you believing he's fed up with you and the kids. If you're drinking, and that makes his life harder as a result, I could see why this is the case.

So I think there needs to be some clarification...

He won't leave you. Why would he? He has nothing to gain as he already holds the power and has freedom and autonomy, and he has a lot to lose in a wife who he can dominate and who meets his needs. The only way to be free of him is to leave him. You think it would be harder than if he left, but remember, to get him to leave would require you to do something pretty bad to him (in his eyes) at which point he wouldn't be reasonable in any settlement anyway, because he'd be angry with you.

Didn’t realise how old this post was so please ignore my response and hope things went well.

Hello I'm going though the same. Can u message me privately?

You're being overly paranoid about this. He is highly unlikely to get custody of your children and is clearly just making empty threats.

Of course this is true intellectually. But women who have been subject to men who use gaslighting and manipulation and coercive control often struggle to see this because they are used to believing and being controlled by this man's threats.

And even when they DO see it, they know that he can make life hell for them in the meantime. They can threaten and lie (and believe me, their ability to lie not just to the woman involved but family/friends/random others is mind blowing). They can find that one point of weakness and play it up, possibly with additional lies. They can threaten and bluster and refuse to leave.
The one I know has, at various times:

• Told her that he will fight her for custody and win because she is a terrible mother and because she works full time and he barely worked, they will give it to him (for the record, while he worked part time, or not at all, she STILL did the bulk of childcare, school runs etc...)
• Threatened her (and, bizarrely, her family including her siblings and mother) with social services for everything from her using weed now and again(with him, FYI), to her mother being left in sole charge of their children (he wasn't stepping up and her mother is capable, albeit not as mobile as would be preferable), to her asking her brother to move into her house for the weekend when she had to go away and her ex had refused to have the DC.
• Cried to the children about how mummy is breaking the family up, he loves them all so much but mummy doesn't love him any more and is making him leave.
• Told friends and family that she was physically abusive towards him. This one was harder to prove/disprove, but these accusations came AFTER he openly admitted to the same family and friends that he had a) physically threatened HER (he claimed it was justified) and b) he had locked her in a room and left the house while leaving their DC in the house without her being able to access them. So let's face it, everyone already knew he was a liar and a twat.

Yes, all of this is abuse and yes, ultimately she managed to get away from him but it's more than 2 years later and it's STILL ongoing issues. It's not as easy as just saying, "the court wouldn't give him custody".

An arsehole is an arsehole , in my experience, he will behave like one whether you initiate the split or he does.

I can't see if you work outside the home. Get some money saved, research housing choices, see a solicitor and move out. Don't pre warn him.
Might take a year?
I made the mistake of telling my exdh I was going to divorce him etc and he turned from useless lazy neglectful man to bitter vengful and nasty.

He might still be angry at you if he leaves. A friend's husband cheated on her, refused her offer of counselling, be wanted to leave, but still blamed her for everything and was really nasty and dragged her through the courts. You may be no worse off just doing it yourself.

He could just as easily make things difficult if he's the one to leave.

You're being overly paranoid about this. He is highly unlikely to get custody of your children and is clearly just making empty threats.

Just leave him.

You need to speak to a lawyer first and then be an adult and tell him. Avoid all the childish manipulative
ideas on here

Wow, how privileged do you need to be to think that it’s remotely normal to be able to just buy a second home

hey darling, I’ve decided to buy you a second house. Just so you’re comfortable and we can have a weekend break place. You can thank me later.

😂

By the sounds of it relying on his guilt if he were to leave isn't a great idea. It's more likely it will be "your fault" whatever you do. If you make up some lies or dangle another woman in front of him or stop making any effort this will still be your fault because you have become boring / fat / sexless and you aren't meeting his needs. None of the reasons he might leave you, even if you could engineer something, will be his fault - he won't like feeling guilty so he will do whatever it takes not to feel guilty by making it "your fault". I think it will be difficult to engineer a scenario whereby he feels happy and guiltless and inclined to benevolence towards you. Unless there's any chance that he could take a job in a different country or something.

The only other thing I wonder is why do you think he wants to stay in the relationship if he himself isn't really that happy? Would it be at all possible to have that conversation? Rather than saying you aren't happy yourself say you sense that perhaps he isn't happy? Or would that just be taken as criticism and cause a blow up?

I think PPs are right, carry on behaving as usual whilst you get your ducks in a row, line up an excellent divorce lawyer - explain his modus operandi - and see what they have to say about the best way to proceed. Then you can choose what you want to do next, but you've given yourself properly informed options - including best and worst case scenarios.