Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this really what mum life is?

61 replies

jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 19:37

I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable - maybe I'm lazy / selfish / not got my priorities right?

I'm finding being a mum sooooo hard. DS is 10 months old and I just feel like I do nothing but clean the house, do things that have to be done or chase my DS around the house.

I know the house is being made worse by Christmas decorations, but I feel over-stimulated ALL the time when I'm home. It is never just nice and tidy - we have a cleaner so I'm not too worried about cleanliness, but keeping the house tidy with a baby, a dog and two adults in the house is a full time job. DH does his fair share but it still feels like too much.

The 'to do' list is also endless. Household tasks like shopping etc, packing DS's bags for childcare each day, unpacking from the current day, organising and cooking his meals, pick this up from here, go there to buy this thing, walk the dog, feed the dog... we do spend plenty of time with friends and family but by the time we've seen them and then tackled some of the to do list, there's no time left even for a solo bath! Again, DH does his fair share but we just don’t ever stop.

DS is crawling, trying to walk, grabbing everything, crying when he isn't doing exactly what he wants to be (though who knows what that is at any given moment), throwing food (that I've just cooked) everywhere. There are glimpses of a happy baby when we're doing things or if I get it right in a given moment, but I feel like I get it wrong 90% of the time.

My AIBU is.... is parenting just this hard and I have unreasonable expectations??
YABU - suck it up and stop making a mountain out of a molehill!
YANBU - yep! It's painful!

And if anyone is able to give me glimpses of future happiness, I would appreciate it!!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Isabellivi · 03/09/2024 06:30

TBH yes with my first, and apparently firsts are the most difficult in temperament and also because it’s a huge adjustment. So I do remember feeling overwhelmed.

But every baby since has been easier and easier…. I just had to let go of the need to have everything tidy and organized like it was before kids

Time goes by fast and one day you will be nostalgic for the baby years so try to make light of the drudgery

jetsamb · 03/12/2023 23:57

I have an 18mo now and at 10m things were busy but always fun. I've always been relaxed about tidiness and keep chores to a minimum during her awake hours (I get stuff done while she sleeps). No pets so no extra work involved there. All shopping is done online (usually after 10pm after baby is in bed) as it's so much easier than trying to keep a baby patient in store. Mornings always spent out at a class or activity so that they can think up interesting things to amuse my child and I don't have a big tidy up in my house. Trips out to museums and libraries and galleries. DD is pretty content and amused most of the time and communicated well with me. My focus for her awake time is play time and interaction so I just forget about chores as it's a lower priority for me, and I find it more fun to get out and about too.

HR313 · 03/12/2023 23:37

My eldest is 6.5 yrs, all I ever get is moaning, whining and back chat from her (clearly raising her wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️) and my youngest who turned 2 in September is feral. They’ve completely broken me. I honestly dread as they get older… just as I hit the perimenopause… my OH has already said he’s leaving 😂 I actually give up now - my house is a constant mess etc. today my toddler pushed the ironing board over (luckily me and OH both nearby) and the iron flew off and dented our new skirting boards in our kitchen and scraped fresh paint off the wall. I’m just thankful my little one wasn’t hurt - pre kids I would have been devastated about the dent etc now I couldn’t care less as I just don’t have the time. It’s hard.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 03/12/2023 23:34

I’m also an older mum, although a little ahead of you.

I found 10 months to be the peak of the tough times…so far. I’m sure there more to come but for me, so far, that was the hardest.

At about 11 months, things got easier. Baby was more interactive, could be left in a safe place to play by herself while I did something on the other side of the room for, oh, at least 3 minutes! 🤣

Your child is just going through a phase. Everything here is just a phase.

I promise you that things will change. Hopefully for the better. (But that is the bit I can’t promise).

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/12/2023 22:58

My baby is the same age and I'm ill at the moment - it's so hard!

Devilsmommy · 03/12/2023 21:50

ditalini · 03/12/2023 21:46

I've got a bit of video of ds2 aged c12 months slowly and methodically emptying a bookcase which I took because it was so damn cute, and I rewatch it fondly now.

But after the gazillionth time refilling that bookcase it was considerably less amusing.

Ah, 10 years distance soft focusses the memories wonderfully.

Show quote history

😆 I've got 2 big bookcases with about 400 books on and mine has emptied it so many times I ended up covering one with a coffee table and the other I pushed the settee up an pooped a table there so he couldn't do it anymore 🤣 it wouldn't have been so bad but he was trying to rip and chew them. Can't wait til my living room can be set up how I want, not blocking everything off🤣🤣🤣

PeloMom · 03/12/2023 21:48

YANBU. It often sucks but eventually you accept it.

Wednesday6 · 03/12/2023 21:47

I'd say if you can drop your expectations about how clean your house should be. Even a perfectly clean house will be wrecked in a few hours by a toddler. Food on the floor, toys and things everywhere. I enjoy being out with my one, connecting with other mums, being to nice places together. It's going to get easier.

ditalini · 03/12/2023 21:46

Devilsmommy · 03/12/2023 21:41

When mine was 10mo he was walking independently already and it was a bloody nightmare. He's 14mo now so still constantly needing me and unlike you I've got him 24/7 as I'm a sahm. It is relentlessly tedious doing the same thing constantly and never having a moment to yourself but I'm just waiting for the time to pass and for it to get easier to know what he wants 😁

I've got a bit of video of ds2 aged c12 months slowly and methodically emptying a bookcase which I took because it was so damn cute, and I rewatch it fondly now.

But after the gazillionth time refilling that bookcase it was considerably less amusing.

Ah, 10 years distance soft focusses the memories wonderfully.

KThnxBye · 03/12/2023 21:45

When my first DC was that I age I was a single parent with caring responsibilities for other family members, I had a dog, I was working nearly full time and not using childcare (because I couldn’t afford it). I also couldn’t afford a cleaner, dog walker or car to get to my family. I didn’t have any heating or hot water in my home back then and had an endless black mould problem.

I still remember it as a happy time but yes, it was an endless merry go round of cleaning, chasing the baby, working, getting the bus to my family, cleaning there, chasing the baby, walking the dog, getting the baby to bed and then working more. I’m not sure the madness of running around after kids has ever actually stopped, even now they are bigger - I now have three. It’s just a different kind of running around. School runs, homework, projects, packed lunches, clubs, hobbies, endless medical appointments, bedtime stories, friendship angst, teenage upsets, getting them to bed, collecting them from parties, youth clubs, friends houses. And this time of year, Christmas fairs, Christmas disco, christmas lights, trip to Santa, Christmas stockings, Christmas dinner for 20, hyped up kids and meltdowns.

Id have to say, yes, this is about it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/12/2023 21:45

I think you'll feel better once you are used to the new routine with going back to work. It's an adjustment but it gets better with some time.

Libre2 · 03/12/2023 21:45

jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:43

Another interesting point. I do wonder whether coming off social media, where all these people with perfect homes reside, might do me some favours.

There's a pattern here isn't there. I'm creating the problem. I should be enjoying cuddling my DS rather than worrying about tidying the kitchen while he's asleep.

Show quote history

And yes, the best piece of advice ever "comparison is the thief of joy". It's true.

Libre2 · 03/12/2023 21:43

OK - future vision - I have just had one of the best weekends ever. I took DS (nearly 15) to stay with his godmother near London. We pottered up on Friday (and yes I took him out of school) listening to podcasts. Saturday morning, I got up, left him watching shite on YouTube and I went and did Parkrun, then we got the train into London, wandered round the square mile, had lunch, went to the science museum, had a fun, chatty evening with my friend, then pootled back today. At one point I nearly had to pull over as I was laughing so hard.

DH has also had a lovely weekend with DD.

It is not always like this and DS is a royal pain in the arse on occasions and we have our moments of hell and tedium. BUT I would not go back to the toddler years - it is unremitting hard work. Hang in there. Life is fun - just rexognise the fun moments and get through the rest.

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:43

Heatherbell1978 · 03/12/2023 21:31

That age is tough but you need to lower your expectations. Your house won't be as clean and tidy as it was before you had a baby. Once you make peace with that, you'll find less to do. I have a friend who is constantly complaining of being exhausted with 2 DC but emulates Mrs Hinch and literally wakes at 6am to scrub skirting boards.

Another interesting point. I do wonder whether coming off social media, where all these people with perfect homes reside, might do me some favours.

There's a pattern here isn't there. I'm creating the problem. I should be enjoying cuddling my DS rather than worrying about tidying the kitchen while he's asleep.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 03/12/2023 21:41

When mine was 10mo he was walking independently already and it was a bloody nightmare. He's 14mo now so still constantly needing me and unlike you I've got him 24/7 as I'm a sahm. It is relentlessly tedious doing the same thing constantly and never having a moment to yourself but I'm just waiting for the time to pass and for it to get easier to know what he wants 😁

bucksfizz23 · 03/12/2023 21:41

If you are always chasing him around the house, get out of the house! Honestly it's so much easier to go out than stay in sometimes. A run in the park, a museum, even a cafe. Even watching the world go by from a buggy will be stimulating for him and tire him out for when you get home.

The to do list is always endless. The mental load never really goes away. It just changes from 'have I refilled to nappy bag' to 'have i signed that form for school'.

And you have a cleaner and dog walker which is more than most!

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:40

LadyofLaundry88 · 03/12/2023 21:25

Pregnant with 3rd. We can’t afford a cleaner, so your life sounds lovely tbh and I definitely look back on time with DD1 now with wistful longing 😂 a hindsight phenomenon but you are INCREDIBLY mobile/agile with just one to manage—I imagine you likely still get ‘nap breaks’? Try if you can to make the most of it! Go out for a coffee/to the shops/to see Christmas lights—just one pushchair to manage! Bliss!

Ha ha - point taken but no... he doesn't really nap unless he's on me so I spend quite a bit of time nap trapped and frustrated about the things that need to be done!

OP posts:
curaçao · 03/12/2023 21:40

The first 20 years are the worst!

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:37

Tortoisetowers · 03/12/2023 20:57

Are you swamped with toys and clothes?

Could you declutter or try toy- rotation so fewer items are out?

Yes! This is on my to do list. Someone up thread asked if I'm the kind of person who can’t relax until things are done. I am and I think this might be the best example because I want to rotate toys but I've been waiting until I can afford to buy somewhere 'nice' for the not-current toys to go. But I could just put them in a box somewhere, couldn't I, and get the task done!? Own worst enemy maybe?

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 03/12/2023 21:36

Yanbu but you need to get out !!! Leave the mess and crap for a day or two, because this age onwards they just make mess behind whatever you are tidying. Plan some nice trips out and sod what the house looks like.

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:34

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 03/12/2023 20:51

I don’t really remember it being a huge issue. Babies/small kids can be messy, when dd2 was about 2 her and her friend used to have almost daily toothpaste fights in the bathroom!! But I just never remember it being such a big deal. I didn’t have a cleaner or a dog walker, but I did only work evenings when the DC were small and I was only in my early 20s so had loads of energy. Now late 30s and not sure if cope so well now, despite being fit and active.

This is interesting... I wonder if me being an older first time mum has anything to do with it. I've been trying to get to the gym to be a bit stronger and fitter hoping I'll be able to keep up with him!

OP posts:
Heatherbell1978 · 03/12/2023 21:31

That age is tough but you need to lower your expectations. Your house won't be as clean and tidy as it was before you had a baby. Once you make peace with that, you'll find less to do. I have a friend who is constantly complaining of being exhausted with 2 DC but emulates Mrs Hinch and literally wakes at 6am to scrub skirting boards.

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:30

Leafysuburb · 03/12/2023 20:44

Get cupboard locks for everything too before DS pulls out every single thing you own 300 times a day

Ha! Did this today. I now have to use a magnet to open my cupboards which will be a blessing in the long run but definitely made today harder!

OP posts:
Whalewatchers · 03/12/2023 21:28

After they are asleep (9pm), it's me time. Pre me time it's meeting their needs and getting jobs done (in the main). It's a slog alright. It's supposedly less intense when your youngest child is around 6.

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:27

StBernie · 03/12/2023 20:31

Try and make life easier for yourselves. Do your food shopping online, batch cook so you’re not cooking every day, declutter so there’s less stuff around. Don’t worry too much about having a tidy house.

I can’t relate to the packing/unpacking nursery bag issue - isn’t it just shoving clean clothes in there and then once they’re dirty putting them in the laundry basket? Or do you have to pack lots of other things too?

It's more that we have more than one childcare provider and they all want slightly different things. I do think this task will become easier as we get into a rhythm. I only went back to work last week.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread