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Original poster

AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

386 replies

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:52

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

OP posts:
Rachealreid · 02/12/2023 17:44

My in laws do this too! When we leave I am normally rushing about to leave with no time to eat. I get there starving and my partner is never hungry for some reason when we get there.
The option is for me to starve or go out to shop.
I personally think it is rude

wineoclock90 · 02/12/2023 17:43

Pluvia · 02/12/2023 17:29

Oh, look — one of the virtuous non-eaters has arrived. Good for you that you can live on fresh air and the occasional green smoothie. The rest of us need to eat.

Show quote history

They've obviously never breastfed. You do need to eat more. You use 500 calories a day

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 02/12/2023 17:41

Can't wait to hear what you get served for dinner op.
Betcha dh gets a penis portion though..

adriftabroad · 02/12/2023 17:40

I doubt "a piece of fruit or a biscuit" would have been enough for OP.

She needed a lot of food and created her own drama.

sprigatito · 02/12/2023 17:38

I actually think they are really fucking horrible. The fact that they - like a lot of older people - don't need to eat much doesn't excuse their appalling lack of hospitality. If you have people coming, especially a bfing mother and a toddler, you would have something to offer them. The bit about grudgingly allowing you a crap sandwich once and making you feel uncomfortable about it is unconscionable. It's bad enough when you're breastfeeding and looking after tiny kids, your body isn't your own and you get so hungry and tired. Making a mum feel bad for needing to eat is just nasty and unwelcoming.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/12/2023 17:38

Reallybadidea · 02/12/2023 15:05

Of course YANBU but this is MN so people will fall over themselves to tell you that you're the problem.

So far they're saying OP could be the solution.

Tourmalines · 02/12/2023 17:38

Lilithlogic · 02/12/2023 17:33

My Nanna used to say the warm feed others and the cold themselves.

She was right . I just don’t get how you can not have food there for family or visitors. Who fucking cares what time of day it is either. Food is fun , is joy, is togetherness. This nonsense of ,oh well, it’s past 12 pm now, too late, wait for dinner. It’s bullshit. .

Lilithlogic · 02/12/2023 17:33

My Nanna used to say the warm feed others and the cold themselves.

Notimeforaname · 02/12/2023 17:33

Oh, look — one of the virtuous non-eaters has arrived. Good for you that you can live on fresh air and the occasional green smoothie. The rest of us need to eat.
Oh look, one of those twats who makes up a load of shit about a stranger from the internet 🤣
Whatever keeps you occupied love, you sound a bit mad.

IDontHateRainbows · 02/12/2023 17:32

I'd be on the phone to Just Eat or Deliveroo

Original poster
Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 17:30

Okay last message for now but I wonder if all the non food offering hosts realise they probably have hungry guests?

Joking!

But there's definitely a clear split I wonder what causes the obvious difference in attitude? Cultural?

None of this money related everyone in scenario is comfortable (ILs v comfortable)

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 02/12/2023 17:30

I think it's more odd to leave the place you're visiting to buy food and eat in secret than its is to say, "Is it ok to grab a piece of fruit/bread, a biscuit/cup of tea please"? And If they said no..then fine, theyre freaks, you go out and get food.

But to not even ask and then go eat in secret while wondering how they will judge you, sounds like your problem rather than theirs.

Pluvia · 02/12/2023 17:29

Notimeforaname · 02/12/2023 17:14

have eaten a panini and a packet of crisp and a banana (in the street)

I've also popped in to sainsburys and bought 2 full bags of food and snacks

I've got enough to keep me going until and after the tiny dinner.

Thats a hell of a lot of food to me. Way more than anyone needs over a period of a few hours, breastfeeding or not.

Oh, look — one of the virtuous non-eaters has arrived. Good for you that you can live on fresh air and the occasional green smoothie. The rest of us need to eat.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 02/12/2023 17:28

My parents are a bit like this.
But, I know I won't get fed if I take my little one for a lunch time visit so I either get something on the way there, or on the way back. It's just one of their (many) quirks.
More annoying in the past when they'd say they'd do X for dinner, and then wouldn't.

Lilithlogic · 02/12/2023 17:24

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:16

Snap!

Show quote history

Snap x 2, hate the thought of anyone being hungry in my home, like my Grandparents and mum the least offered is always a brew and a biscuit. It just feels like good manners.

Scirocco · 02/12/2023 17:23

I'd always offer a guest a cup of tea/coffee and a snack. Unless I don't like them.

burnoutbabe · 02/12/2023 17:23

PuppyMonkey · 02/12/2023 16:57

This is fascinating - so you’ve gone for a visit at the requested time of 2pm and you’re on MN while sitting there with them? And then you’ve gone out to buy food and eaten some food on the street? What did they say about you going out? It’s all very weird frankly!?

This

Surely it's far ruder to arrive at 2pm then you leave for a few hours than arrive 10 mins late having eaten at McDonalds and blame baby for delay.

wineoclock90 · 02/12/2023 17:22

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 16:55

This is insane. So you ate a panini, a bag of crisps and a banana and also bought 2 full bags of other food, all to survive a couple or hours at your in laws?

I don't think your in-laws are the ones with a food problem

Have you ever breastfed? Totally normal. I would eat that or more.

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 17:20

But you wouldn't have been happy with a biscuit or something out of the fruit bowl as you went to the supermarket, ate a lunch and then proceeded to do a food shop. Why did your kids need buying for btw, I thought you said your husband gave them lunch?

quizmasterr · 02/12/2023 17:20

OP I do think this is on you as well. They say may have got away from you, as you put it, but why is that your IL's fault especially when your DH even offered to stop at McD's on the way? Sorry but you sound a bit ridiculous.

I think sometimes doing more than one thing can be too much such as going to soft play and your in laws.

For the record my in laws rarely feed us even though they live a 3 hour drive away so we've always eaten before we get there or we order a takeaway for all of us.

Original poster
Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 17:19

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 16:55

This is insane. So you ate a panini, a bag of crisps and a banana and also bought 2 full bags of other food, all to survive a couple or hours at your in laws?

I don't think your in-laws are the ones with a food problem

Yes would you like to know what I bought?

Not all to be eaten now.

A multipack kiddylicious veg sticks
Multi pack walkers cheese and onion
Bananas
Grapes
Bag of easy peelers
Some breakfast bar things
Hobnobs
Fanta
Sandwich

The comments from lots of mums about always having something available were helpful so going to put some bits in the nappy bag, some in pram pocket etc.

If anyone is interested MIL sighed when she realized id been out to shops.

Whoever said eating is seen as a sign of moral laxity was right I think.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 02/12/2023 17:18

Also, I would have been happy to pop in to kitchen (if this was deemed acceptable)
They have told you its unacceptable to go into the kitchen or have any food??
Or are you just presuming this because of an "unspoken vibe", if the latter, just bloody ask them.

Zanatdy · 02/12/2023 17:18

I’d always feed guests if arriving at a meal time, 2pm I’d have assumed they’d have eaten. Can’t you ask for a sandwich or piece of toast in future?

Inertia · 02/12/2023 17:17

It’s rude of them not to offer food, especially a breastfeeding mother.

It’s insanity to be a breastfeeding mother and deliberately skip breakfast, lunch and the offer of food on the journey knowing that you’re visiting people with weird food issues.

To be fair to your husband he’s given you at least 2 chances to eat.

So you’d have been late - so what? It’s not as though dinner would have spoiled!

Coconutter24 · 02/12/2023 17:16

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:58

Yes you're right. My sister said the same when I text her. There's such a weird vibe around eating previously I've had to secretly eat while feeding the baby and hidden wrappers in my pockets.

Maybe I feel weird about it because they are v thin and I'm not.

Show quote history

This sounds like a you problem if I’m honest. You know their eating habits so know they won’t be eating around the time you are there. It is odd that nothing even a biscuit was offered with a cup of tea or something. You arrived after lunch, was they expecting you to stay till tea or did you leave before this? You are breast feeding and know you missed breakfast so snacks etc you should have got for yourself or asked husband to pack if you were busy.