AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

This is an odd thread.

I totally agree in principle hosts should feed guests, but adult guests should also take responsibility for their own needs. Choosing not to have breakfast and then choosing not to stop at a McDonalds for fear of upsetting the ILs when DH is the one to suggest it, is just odd. As is getting the hump because you're not offered a meal at 2pm.

You should come to Northern Ireland, it's the opposite problem when we go. If you visit people you get offered plates of food regardless of time of day or night.

One memorable time we visited my DGF and Duncle. I'd deliberately chosen early afternoon as the house hygiene wasn't great, only to be offered steaming bowls of Irish stew ( which I hate). Thankfully DH loves that sort of stuff and ploughed his way through several bowls of it.

After a NI visit I can't face a scone for months after being force fed them when visiting people.

@Lizziebest

For the record I always offer food to my guests and my family do too but that doesn't change the fact you didn't eat before going to your in laws when you know how they are.

Yes people are different but this was down to poor planning on your part.

This is the type of attitude that leads to mothers of sons bemoaning the whole 'A daughter is a daughter all of your life; a son is a son until he takes a wife', thing, and wondering why their grown children don't come and visit them very much.

Does she live 20 mins away or 2 hours?

You would expect your breastfeeding DIL to be responsible for her own snacks, when she's come to visit you with the grandchildren? Shame on you.

Why do you leave yourself no time to eat? And even if you do why do you not stop on the way for a sandwich or a maccies or kfc or something like normal people who need to eat on a long journey? Or even, as a guest, stop at the nearest shop to buy them a box of chocolates/some flowers, and buy yourself a snack while you're at it, ate it in the car (5 mins to eat a sandwich, innit) then present them with the flowers when you get there, with your belly no longer rumbling.

I mean, what is so hard about looking after your own food needs? Are you not used to travelling any distances? Or are short of money so only stop for petrol or something?

HNRTFT…Am just on a work break ,I just find it odd that OP cannot just say ‘ I am really hungry,can I make a sandwich’ ? Other alternatives ,OP husband has a word with his parents about their bad manners , OP takes own food or eat beforehand 🤷‍♀️

I always offer food if people have travelled to get here. Otherwise might just be a biscuit or cake with tea or coffee.

The mumsnet consensus yesterday on the toddlers taken out by relatives for 5 hours and not given food or drink was that is perfectly normal and you should take your own if not. I'm clearly a feeder, would be offering drinks at home almost immediately and an excuse to have some treat food, ect.

YANBU. They must realise that their eating habits are outwith the norm. Fine for them but it's odd not to have snacks available for people driving a considerable distance to visit, even if they don't normally have them in.

In our house, breakfast, lunch and dinner are offered as standard. Anyone popping in between those times would be offered tea/coffee/juice/cake/biscuits/crisps according to preference. And if anyone said "I'm hungry" to me and a biscuit wasn't going to cut it, I'd offer toasted cheese, scrambled eggs, a sandwich or start enumerating the contents of my cupboards, fridge and freezer. Both my mother/father and MIL/FIL would do the same.

I was brought up to ask guests if they need anything, have they eaten, would they like a drink/snack etc etc. No matter what time they turn up. (I also take them at their word so if they say no thankyou, they'd better mean it as I won't push it!)

The OP isn't technically even a guest as such, shes fucking family, surely she should feel comfortable enough to ask for food, or go to the kitchen and make something quick/simple like toast/soup/cup of tea and a biscuit?

I would be ashamed of myself if my family/guests felt they could not ask/help themselves/eat in my home!

@Lizziebest Put an end to this stupid shit now - take food with you when you go there, if you need to eat before their pre-planned mealtimes, get up and say 'ok im going to make myself x, would anyone like anything' and then do that. Ignore MIL's looks or huffing, she will get over herself or if she REALLY can't abide others in her kitchen, she'll learn to ask and provide appropriately!

I wonder if there's a correlation between don't feed guests people and don't answer the front door unless someone has a pre arranged appointment people...
I am very much a help yourselves to anything, offer food , open the door to whoever knocks person. I do have both Scottish and Irish recent heritage though and this thread implies that means something. FWIW I also spent several years working for an Indian family owned and run business and culturally with visitors, food etc that was the same.

It would seem odd to me if nobody offered food OP. DH and I went round to my in-laws house today and arrived around 2pm. My DMIL offered sandwiches, crisps, chicken nuggets or just a buttered roll if we wanted and my DM is the same. We were at my parents house having all just eaten 2 or 3 double rolls so sausage or bacon and potato scone followed by profiteroles. None of us could move and my DM was still worrying in case anyone was hungry and if she should get crisps and nuts out. My DH never eats lunch but will always offer food to others.

I'm so glad of my in law's! I walk in and invariably MIL has been baking, I mention or DH does that we're peckish and in a blink a buffet seems to appear 😂 there's also no issue with us helping ourselves, putting the kettle on etc. DS has to be reigned in from just raiding their pantry. They just laugh and say he can have whatever he wants. They're pescatarian and made us bacon sandwiches for breakfast last time we stayed. (They know we're all fine not eating meat but they like to make us welcome and know of DHs love of bacon sandwiches with tea strong enough it makes your hair stand on end)

Personally I don't think that's a lot. I would eat way more than that. The hunger was unreal. The body needs lots of fuel when feeding a baba. And don't forget you use more calories than that. That's just on top

Do you think she might be sighing because she thinks you're trying to make a point? ie mean, most people would turn up at 2pm having had lunch (on the way if necessary). You already knew you were staying for your evening meal. So from their point of view, to disappear off out soon after getting there to buy all that is slightly odd.

The whole situation is just odd!!! Why can you not all just communicate your needs to each other?! Why doesn't your DH, when invited over by the inlaws, ask them should you eat lunch first? Why, if you need to stop to eat on the way, don't you ring them on the way to say "Just letting you know we didn't have time for lunch at home so we've just stopped on the way for something, we'll be 20 mins later than we said."

I just can't imagine a family situation where you wouldn't have such basic discussion!

I find it bizarre in the extreme that anyone would invite someone round and not have some biscuits or something for an afternoon snack, or not offer your guests a sandwich or something if it was clearly between meals?

I'd actually be quite upset if I had visitors and they were hungry or thirsty.

@Punkkitty I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me I'm not Irish and I'm 100% with you!

And yes, @CurlyhairedAssassin I would absolutely accept a "no thank you"!

Some posters are seemingly so into the "I hate guests" thing they're happy to be rude.

They've obviously never breastfed. You do need to eat more. You use 500 calories a day

At no point did I say breastfeeding women don't need to eat more. I said a panini, crisps and a banana plus 2 bags of snacks for before and after a dinner was too much. That's literally all I said.

That's a hell of a lot more than 500cals.

And there's no way you could learn from this and, you know, eat before you go?

She had lunch out and did a food shop. 😂

The minute she arrived!

I don’t understand this post at all! You didn’t eat breakfast, or lunch so arrived at their house starving. Declined to stop at McDonald’s because you didn’t want to “be late”. From past experiences you know they do not eat lunch and probably would not offer you any food? But you still got your self into this position? Even if they are strange about food this one is completely on you.

When you arrived did they offer you and husband a drink??? Did your husband tell them you hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch? Did your husband offer to make you anything to eat? This is just so bizarre to me that your husband wouldn’t say anything and let you go off to buy food in town. Absolutely bizarre that you felt like you had to be “on time” but then leave as soon as you got there to get food.

I think most people have three meals a day don't they?

Even if I didn't I'd like to think that I'd have something in for people arriving at 2pm to help themselves to a late lunch if necessary.

However knowing that they don't do this then it was up to you to make sure you ate & sod being late!

That was exactly my point

I doubt "a piece of fruit or a biscuit" would have been enough for OP.
Of course but as a grown woman who knew this about herself and knows the IL's dont do food, had the options of bringing her own food or asking for some. She did neither.
Yes I think its disgraceful they dont offer anything at all, I could never do this myself but you have to be responsible for yourself.

But sneaking out for a lunch and buying bags of snacks before a dinner albeit small, seems extremely unnecessary and dramatic before even asking. Especially since (I might be wrong) the MIL has not actually said "you cant have food/more food" or "you're not allowed into the kitchen" op is saying it's a vibe or a look...
Just be assertive and dont make it complicated

I do think it's rude as a guest to arrive at 2 pm not having had lunch and then moaning about being hungry so this one is definitely on you.

The general eating habits of ILs sound weird but so does your attitude of turning up at a friends house proclaiming you are hungry and proceeding to order food at their house outside mealtimes. I think all parties involved seem to have some slightly unusual attitudes to food.