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Original poster

AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

386 replies

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:52

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 19:58

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 19:47

I wondered this myself.

Show quote history

We were asked to arrive at 2 and a late arrival caused a bad atmosphere last time. Both pil visibly upset and tense as a result. So I wanted to avoid that. He is their only son and our kids are only grandkids (who they do love) and I want as much as possible to keep things good with them.

OP posts:
OhNoOhNo · 02/12/2023 19:56

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 18:43

Who cares about what a person would do if they were Irish or Welsh? I'm French and if somebody came to my house at 2pm I would offer them a coffee. Does that help the debate?

Exactly, all these boastful posts from Irish, Scottish and Welsh people are quite irritating.

I’m an immigrant to England but in my experience, English people, of whatever race or religion, are very welcoming and generous hosts, with plenty of food and drink on offer.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 19:47

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:29

We drove past a McDonald's DH offered to stop but I stupidly said no not wanting to be late, with no plan on dealing with the hunger later.

Not wanting to be late for what? It wasn't lunch, clearly, as you said they don't usually have it. So what were you worried about being late FOR?

I wondered this myself.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 19:47

Well, 2pm isn't a meal time.

They're not very hospitable but they aren't beyond the pale. Still, in their shoes I would have bread, cheese, ham and Coke just in case.

In future you should prep sliced/cubed cheese, crudités, maybe some crackers, croissants and hard cooked eggs to take along.

Or go to McDonald's instead of soft play.

Fightarealfire · 02/12/2023 19:46

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 19:26

An update

Lots of ppl asking what was offered on arrival.

We walked in said hi, exchanged pleasantries, lovely greeting of grandkids. Mil said thanks for being on time (we have been late previously and it soured the mood) They asked how the traffic was DH replied saying it was okay but we had a busy morning and that I had skipped breakfast and lunch was there anything going? Fruit? MIL said well I'll be making a coffee at 3 and dinner will be at 6 as usual but she could refill both our water bottles. We then sat in living room they played with toddler and had general chit chat. They aren't terrible people tbh just weird about food, money and time. They were lovely to toddler and fussed over baby. DH had a black coffee at 3.

So dinner was at 6 it was a cheese and lettuce sandwich per person. DH asked if there was anything else she said she had nothing in after looking like she wanted to kill him prob thinks I put him up to it but I genuinely didn't. I was actually fine having eaten the Panini etc.

At 6.25 FIL said you'll be off now will you?

Driving home now DH is eating from my bag of snacks while I read this thread aloud to him. He is partly being defensive about his parents (it's a generational thing) and that he had sandwiches for dinner as a kid and partly agrees it's inhospitable.

No visit for a few months now but I will definitely never turn up unprepared.

Hang on, you arrived at 2 on their instruction, but weren’t offered a coffee until an hour later?! So come in, sit down, and no brew?

Fucking hell that is rude!

burnoutbabe · 02/12/2023 19:39

It sounds like this is not about hospitality but they just have issues around food.

Expecting food to be provided would be like expecting drinks at a reformed alcoholics or a lavish spread at an anorexic's place.

So you just take snacks with you if you know what they are like. Or don't go got more than an hour. They have always been like this pet your husband. What use is it for a bunch of mumsnet people to slag them off?

Fightarealfire · 02/12/2023 19:38

I don’t get it- in my world you offer a brew and biscuits or cake to everyone who even pops in (mince pies at this time of year too).

If someone is invited over at 2 I would have tea, coffee, wine (and port in the winter) plus /biscuits/cake/nice crisps/mince pies and cheese straws.

Not that I expect it to all be eaten, I just couldn’t not offer!

ThePineapplePrincess · 02/12/2023 19:37

I think there’s two extremes here.

They clearly don’t have a normal appetite and don’t eat (or serve) enough, but equally, you are an overeater (breastfeeding is no excuse, I’ve breastfed for three years and never needed to eat in excess) and your family are feeders.

So it sounds like both of your families have issues surrounding food, meaning you’ll have a hard time bringing up children to have a healthy relationship with food.

Particularly in regards to today, you turned up AFTER lunch, having not eaten even though you were free to do so and knew you wouldn’t be having dinner until 6. That’s on you. Scoffing so much junk food isn’t healthy, and you need to work on that before your toddler picks up your bad habits.

Maggiethecat · 02/12/2023 19:36

Have only read the OP and my first reaction is that she’s visiting family FGS.

If ILs haven’t put food on wouldn’t DH be comfortable enough in his own parent’s home to make his wife a sandwich or something to eat even if she is not comfortable enough to do so, especially since OP is breastfeeding?

Very strange dynamic if not!

Differentstarts · 02/12/2023 19:31

User1789 · 02/12/2023 18:32

Why? Because these people want their guests to feel uncomfortable around food, as they are not comfortable around food, as they have ascribed moral value to food.

Weird food people are about as uncomfortable around other people's enjoyment of food, as prudes are around other people's enjoyment of sex. You can fulfil your biological functions (as far as THEY deem it necessary), but not in public please, and how desparately rude to talk about it.

I imagine OP would be about as welcome to go into the kitchen and make herself a sandwich as she would be to give her DH a blow job on the couch in the living room.

But you knew that didn't you, and you are just being obtuse.

Show quote history

What are you on about did you even read my comment

Goldbar · 02/12/2023 19:30

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 18:43

Who cares about what a person would do if they were Irish or Welsh? I'm French and if somebody came to my house at 2pm I would offer them a coffee. Does that help the debate?

It has to do with the scale of the offence, I think.

In some cultures, denying your guest sustenance might be viewed as delivering a salutary lesson in self-control and against over-indulgence. While in others it merits a full-on braying mob hurling fondant fancies and chocolate teacakes at the offending house.

diddl · 02/12/2023 19:28

I don't think that 2 is necessarily after lunch time.

Depend how long people are travelling I think.

If they were setting off at say 12 I'd be having lunch together when they arrived.

Original poster
Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 19:26

An update

Lots of ppl asking what was offered on arrival.

We walked in said hi, exchanged pleasantries, lovely greeting of grandkids. Mil said thanks for being on time (we have been late previously and it soured the mood) They asked how the traffic was DH replied saying it was okay but we had a busy morning and that I had skipped breakfast and lunch was there anything going? Fruit? MIL said well I'll be making a coffee at 3 and dinner will be at 6 as usual but she could refill both our water bottles. We then sat in living room they played with toddler and had general chit chat. They aren't terrible people tbh just weird about food, money and time. They were lovely to toddler and fussed over baby. DH had a black coffee at 3.

So dinner was at 6 it was a cheese and lettuce sandwich per person. DH asked if there was anything else she said she had nothing in after looking like she wanted to kill him prob thinks I put him up to it but I genuinely didn't. I was actually fine having eaten the Panini etc.

At 6.25 FIL said you'll be off now will you?

Driving home now DH is eating from my bag of snacks while I read this thread aloud to him. He is partly being defensive about his parents (it's a generational thing) and that he had sandwiches for dinner as a kid and partly agrees it's inhospitable.

No visit for a few months now but I will definitely never turn up unprepared.

OP posts:
Tiiredofthiss · 02/12/2023 19:22

Arriving somewhere at 2 (so, shortly after lunch time), I wouldn't expect to be offered food. Maybe biscuits with a cup of tea a few hours later.
But you knew what they were like so definitely could have just brought your own food or popped out to get something.

BeFrankforonce · 02/12/2023 19:04

Hoping for an update on what OP got for dinner?

Sceptre86 · 02/12/2023 18:54

I don't get it. I would always offer tea, biscuits or cake if it's between meals. If you came to mine and said you'd not eaten I'd make you something or get you to help yourself. I ask at my mum's out of politeness and she always tells me not to be daft and just help yourself. My mil would make me something if I asked or allow me to help myself. They tend to eat much later but she's always aware that the kids and I eat earlier so always offers. I don't like the thought of a guest coming to mine and going hungry. I just wouldn't do it. I might not have fancy stuff in if guests are unannounced but I'd share whatever we have and in your case anyway, it was a planned visit.

Lilithlogic · 02/12/2023 18:44

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 18:43

Who cares about what a person would do if they were Irish or Welsh? I'm French and if somebody came to my house at 2pm I would offer them a coffee. Does that help the debate?

Who asked you to care?

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 18:43

Who cares about what a person would do if they were Irish or Welsh? I'm French and if somebody came to my house at 2pm I would offer them a coffee. Does that help the debate?

WimbyAce · 02/12/2023 18:43

If I get invited to a buffet I will normally eat a meal before regardless just in case there isn't much I like on the buffet. Then anything is a bonus. Nothing worse than being hungry and trying to socialise.
If I invite people to mine for food I tend to have it ready immediately or well underway as I hate the thought of people sat there starving and looking at their watches wondering when the food is coming.

Lilithlogic · 02/12/2023 18:37

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 02/12/2023 17:52

I find it bizarre in the extreme that anyone would invite someone round and not have some biscuits or something for an afternoon snack, or not offer your guests a sandwich or something if it was clearly between meals?

I'd actually be quite upset if I had visitors and they were hungry or thirsty.

@Punkkitty I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me I'm not Irish and I'm 100% with you!

And yes, @CurlyhairedAssassin I would absolutely accept a "no thank you"!

Some posters are seemingly so into the "I hate guests" thing they're happy to be rude.

Irish Granny and Welsh Nanna, they'd both have had my guts for garters if I didn't offer guests anything.

WimbyAce · 02/12/2023 18:35

I am very much someone who needs to know where their next meal is coming from so if I'm going to visit someone I need to know what's up for grabs eg a full on cooked lunch or just nibbles for example. If I am at my parents I am quite comfortable in asking for snacks if I'm starving so I would expect your other half to ask if there is any food available. If not I think its fair enough to say just nipping out to buy a snack as I missed breakfast/lunch whatever.

billy1966 · 02/12/2023 18:34

Weird be haviour IMO.

Tea and snacks would always be offered within 15 minutes of arriving and a sandwich, crackers, cheese etc., within two hours.

Dinner times would be established while checking was anyone peckish.

Both our families are big foodies so great food is always on offer everywhere....thank goodness.

Not offering any food is strange.

You need to firm up your boundaries now you have children.

They may not offer food but you need to be firm as to what suits you re visiting with children for eating meals etc.

See less of them if its an issue they refuse to be flexible about.

ttcat37 · 02/12/2023 18:33

They’re obviously weird but also shit hosts. Arriving at 2 and breastfeeding, I would ask if you’ve had lunch and make you something if not. And probably put some crisps out after. First thing my mum asks when I walk in her house is “are you hungry?” And I wouldn’t have it any other way

User1789 · 02/12/2023 18:32

Differentstarts · 02/12/2023 16:41

Why are people on mumsnet so uncomfortable at their friends and families homes. Can't you just go make yourself a sandwich or something

Why? Because these people want their guests to feel uncomfortable around food, as they are not comfortable around food, as they have ascribed moral value to food.

Weird food people are about as uncomfortable around other people's enjoyment of food, as prudes are around other people's enjoyment of sex. You can fulfil your biological functions (as far as THEY deem it necessary), but not in public please, and how desparately rude to talk about it.

I imagine OP would be about as welcome to go into the kitchen and make herself a sandwich as she would be to give her DH a blow job on the couch in the living room.

But you knew that didn't you, and you are just being obtuse.

Stridingthroughtheglade · 02/12/2023 18:28

Gosh this is so unwelcoming and joyless and basically poor manners on behalf of your ils op. They are not thinking of your wants or needs as a breastfeeding mother but assuming that you will fit in to their way of doing something.

The only exception to this would be if they are very hard up or something?