AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

I am unusually sensitive to this having recovered from an eating disorder but you have a small and closing window in which you need to consider very carefully how you will manage this once your toddler is old enough to start noticing and internalising this weirdness. No-one this weird or controlling around food would have unsupervised or extended access to my children, especially my daughter, and I wouldn’t entertain the possibility of secretly eating with her. I’d start ensuring now that you do not see these people over meal times. Sorry OP.

What bonkers ILs you have…

Get some Quaker Porridge Oat Bars in Mixed Berry flavour (red pack) to keep in the nappy bag and you will never be completely stuck again. They’re a lifesaver!

They sound barmy, and absolutely oblivious to their horrid manners (ironic considering how rigid they seem to be about punctuality). Their approach to food is disordered at best.
I feel quite sad for your DH to have grown up in that sort of environment, and can see it must be very difficult for him now where he knows they’re not behaving kindly or generously, but they’re all he’s got.

I find this so odd that they both only have 2 meals a day and their dinner is half a sandwich! Do they have a full English breakfast in the morning? If not and it's a small breakfast too, i don't know how they aren't anorexic!

Do they maybe save the main course for when you are gone?!

Did they eat this little with your husband was a child?

I think they are incredibly rude to starve you all like that. Regardless of arriving at 2pm or whenever. Not even a cooked meal after driving for two hours to visit is very rude in itself.

I hope you don't go to theirs for Christmas day!

So the answer to everyone’s question of “why didn’t you eat” is you are human? 😂 I don’t understand why everyone’s so hard on you right now 😅 stuff happens and you lose track of time! Glad you’ve gone to get food!

They are SO rude! That is a crime against hospitality. To wait an hour for a hot drink! To have a sandwich for dinner! That is so hopeless.

We always have some biscuits or some fruit or a round of toast available. Anyone coming in the house for 60 secs gets offered tea or coffee.

It is shameful behaviour on their part, absolutely shameful. Baggsy me NOT go to theirs for Christmas…..

They are rude and inhospitable.
They don't eat all day so don't see why anyone else should either.
I don't like the fuss about being late either. Yes, we should aim not be late but it's not always possible - especially with young children.

I wouldn't expect to be offered lunch if I arrived at 2pm but normally you'd be offered a cup of tea or coffee when you arrived, or something else to drink. And maybe a tea break at 4 or so with tea and a couple of biscuits. And then if you'd been invited to stay for the evening meal normally that would be more than a cheese and lettuce sandwich.
Fucking weird that you have to sit there with a water bottle because they won't provide you with a drink. I wonder if they actually enjoy controlling other people in this way.

Some people don't seem to need to eat for hours on end - I've got relatives like this. But surely if you have guests you must realize that not everyone is like you and that you should offer something even if you wouldn't eat at that time yourself or would never eat a biscuit etc.

However I do think YAB a bit U because you know exactly what they are like from previous experience and you still showed up at 2 pm not having eaten and you refused the McDs so as not to be late. You could have had chicken nuggets and chips from the drive thru which are easy to eat in the car - no need to go into McDs and sit there for half an hour.

I would cut the length of the visit in future so that it really is between meals - ie. you arrive at 2pm and leave at 5.30pm, before the evening meal. When they invite you and say a specific time just say you'll be leaving earlier before the meal. And don't put up with any nonsense, whinging and moaning about it.
Make sure you eat before you go and shove a Nature Valley (they are great for an energy boost, eat them all the time when hiking and feeling like I'm about to pass out...) in your bag for half way through if you can't manage 4 hours without eating.

I'm gobsmacked.

They didn't offer you a hot drink until an hour after you showed up? Then when there was food on offer, it was a sandwich? That's piss poor to be honest.
I would have thought they could have adjusted their routine and hand a hot dinner in the evening just the once that their son, daughter-in-law and grandchild were visiting. That would be normal. What they did wasn't normal.

As for your MiL sighing when you returned from the shops, that was an opportunity for your DH to say "Well mum, @Lizziebest wouldn't need to go to the shops and stock up on something to eat if there was any food on offer on our arrival so let's stop with the sighs when you see her coming in with a shopping bag of food, ok?" but I'm guessing that he hasn't ever really stood up to his parents about anything that they do, has he?

Everyone is different. I have breakfast, don't eat lunch, maybe a bag of crisps with morning coffee. I can't eat later than 5,(various gut problems) you should swap mil, mine expects you to be eating from the minute you arrive,till you leave,THEN you get a "doggy bag". They think I'm weird. My DKs now complain, when I keep offering food,say you're turning into Granny*!

This brings back memories. First time I met the in laws, invited for a barbecue, to arrive at 12. No food was served, at all, until 6!!! No crisps, nothing, no food in sight. DH and his siblings joked about how they make sure they are starving for dinner. No snacks in their house. Dinner "not worth it unless you're proper hungry. Wtf does that mean?

I now have muffins and sandwiches in my hand bag when we go see the in laws and I eat them secretly when I go to the bathroom.

DH is ok with starving himself for dinner. I'm not. If I eat nothing for 8 hours and then eat an enormous meal, I feel ill. DH was raised to think it's some kind of a reward. Weird.

Only read OPS update.
I just can't understand why the 'amazing' DH didn't just go & make you a sandwich, or toast, or cereal or soup or something.

It's 100% not normal to have to leave the house, park up, wander the high street and eat a panini in the street rather than asking your family for a snack.

God, it puts mine & DH's own strange families into perspective.

Dinner was a cheese and lettuce sandwich!!!! No I wouldn’t go again.

When I travel 4-5 hours to see someone I build in a stop at motorway services at lunch to eat, as it's good to have a driving break after a couple of hours. However, my aunty or whoever would normally always ask if we had eaten and provide tea and biscuits when we arrive by default.

Goodness me, OP. You would think your ILs would be keen to build a meaningful relationship with you and your DCs, given they are their only grandchildren! They're lucky you are accommodating.

I cannot understand them at all. How can they not see that failing to offer food is inhospitable at best and downright rude at worst? I wonder if it's because appetites tend to get smaller as people get older, but still, you wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a warmer welcome!

YANBU. That sounds completely miserable and inhospitable. But then my family is South Asian and you can't even swing by a relative's house to pick someone up without being dragged out of the car and made to eat something.

Also the VERY IDEA someone would turn up at my house and be told to wait for an hour before I would even deign to give them a hot drink - I swear I'm getting the vapours. The shame!

They sound barking mad. A cheese sandwich is not a dinner and I would die before I'd serve it as such to guests in my house. Bloody hell.

Just come with food, eat it without shame in front of them and more importantly in front of your kids (especially if daughters) - they don't need that kind of fucked up attitude to food kowtowed to in front of them. Food is not moral weakness!

Really strange for people to expect guests to arrive at a set time on pain of very obvious disapproval , then fail to offer so much as a biscuit, make them wait 4 hours for 'dinner', then give them a measly sandwich.

OP they sound joyless. They may love their DGC but that was one arid afternoon. Anyone coming to my house for a visit would be offered a drink immediately and asked if they wanted anything to eat, no matter whether it was an acceptable mealtime by anyone’s standards.

You did know what they’re like so I agree that part should have come as no surprise to you, so maybe a bit more forward planning next time would be useful. I also worry a bit about their rigid attitude to food being communicated to your dc - I assume your DH doesn’t share their obsession?

I would definitely always offer guests something to eat, regardless of what time I'd invited them. Not necessarily a full meal, but I would always, at the very least, offer them cake/biscuits/snacks/nibbles and a constant supply of drinks. If someone arrived at 2pm I'd ask them if they were hungry and offer them sandwiches if they hadn't eaten.

Really strange to turn up at the home of someone known for not feeding you, AFTER lunch then expect feeding.

Friday night dinner? I don't think it's cultural as DH is Jewish and everyone always offers food, cup of tea and proper meal if planned and sometimes if not planned. I'm English with an Irish mother and my parents always offered visitors drinks, snacks and proper meal if planned or sometimes if not planned. DH and I, despite different backgrounds, are very much on the same page with hosting guests, whether casual or not. We pride ourselves on offering choices so we usually over cater but better that than be stingy with guests and there's always leftovers

They sound beyond bizarre.

However, I do think it is entirely on you that you turned up having missed two meals and refused the McD's stop. I wouldn't routinely offer food at 2pm, just a cup of tea, since I would assume you had just had lunch.

With the further reveal that your DH explained you had missed lunch and breakfast, I would obviously offer a sandwich/toast/fruit/whatever else I could find.

my mother in law overfeeds. She asks me days in advance what i want for dinner (we visit every friday evening) and theres always a nice cake to go with it.
My mother is pretty much the same.

My XMIL was like this - you might get a biscuit (just one mind) and a cup of coffee, but that'd be it until tea-time, which in itself was always meagre.

She herself has a HUGE appetite, as witnessed on many occasions when someone else is paying, or at our house, when she'll routinely say she couldn't possibly manage whatever is on her plate before demolishing it and taking seconds...

Look after you and yours @Lizziebest and plan ahead for all visits, including taking plenty of food for you and the DC as necessary.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Unless someone specifically invites us over for lunch or dinner then I wouldn’t expect food to be served. I would offer tea/coffee etc and we usually have biscuits/crisps or something in anyway. But i wouldn’t expect food unless the invite was for a meal.

The in laws wouldn’t have known that you hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch that day. And 2pm isn’t really a meal time. I would have thought most people would have already eaten if they came at that time. Yes, a lot of people would think it polite to offer some sort of nibbles maybe. But others won’t and you already knew they were fussy about food so I would have eaten before, brought something or stopped on the way to get something.